Hubby: “You make sure you wake me up before you take the test, okay?”
Me: “Okay, I’ll tell you when I have to go.”
Hubby: “No. Wake me up and tell me you’re going to take the test.”
So that’s what I did this morning at 6:30 am. Woke Hubby up to tell him I couldn’t hold it any longer. That I had to take the test now.
2 minutes later it was all over. We hugged each other and then crawled back into bed.
Hubby: “You okay?”
Me: (pauses) “Yes.”
Hubby: “You sure?”
Me: (pauses again) “Sure.”
But really I wasn’t. Eventually, I told Hubby the truth. And the truth was that I had mixed feelings about the pregnancy test that I took this morning.
It was negative. And I had mixed feelings about it being negative.
I was sad, that’s for sure. You see, I’m late with my period by over two weeks and there’s the part of me that was hopeful for a positive test after all these years.
I won’t lie … I was already planning ahead; thinking about setting up a doctor’s appointment if the test came back positive. I had in my mind when the “maybe baby” would be due. And was deciding if Hubby and I would want to know the sex of the “maybe baby” or let it be a surprise.
I was feeling hopeful.
Now that we know for sure that I’m not pregnant, I’m disappointed … but on the other hand, I’m also relieved.
Relieved because I know that I’m 40 and I don’t know if I have the capacity to be a good “older” parent. Let’s face it, we’d be closer to 60 by the time our child would graduate from high school. If we were lucky, in our 70’s by the time our child married. And if we were really lucky, we’d have time to enjoy grandchildren.
Oh, I know it’s no longer uncommon for women to get pregnant in their 40’s. However, 40 wasn’t the age I was planning to have children. I wanted them more than 15 years ago.
Besides, I’ve been coming to terms with living child-free after infertility. I’ve started to think of Hubby & me living our lives as a Family of Two. What would having a child now do to this new path in life?
I’m feeling other emotions (like good old Catholic guilt), but sadness and relief are the predominant ones. I’m sure that these feelings will fade with time, as everything eventually does. But for now, since it’s still fresh … I’m just going to let me feel what I feel.
Sending hugs
(((HUGS)))
That’s one of the crazy things about IF. Can’t really control your thoughts and feelings. It’s pretty “normal” to feel relief and disappointment no matter how weird it sounds (been there too). But you’re right…it’s wise to let you feel whatever you feel and let the wave comes when it comes…it’s crucial to be kind to oneself…
I had the exact same thing happen a few years ago… at Christmastime to boot. (Don’t know if you’ve listened to the Bitter Infertiles podcast Pamela & I were on last week, but I told this story there). I was late, at my parents’ house, & wound up sneaking into the drugstore to buy a pregnancy test, like a guilty teenager. :p And I was PISSED OFF. I felt like I was just getting the hang of this childless living thing, and here was my body jerking me around again. It helped me realize that maybe I was further along the road to acceptance than I had thought. (((hugs)))