Category: My Tribe

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Common Threads

Not quite the "suprised" look I was looking for in my batch of pics ...

Wow. Oh, wow! I woke up to a great suprise this morning.

Well, okay … technically I was at work where I should have been updating all my staff’s databases for 2010* … but yeah. Instead I was tweaking some stuff on my blog.

Which, by the way. Like the new look? I figured it was time to shake it up a little, as it’s been about two years since I’ve changed my look. (Really, I’d love to do my own little design … but yeah, that would mean the cheapskate in me would have to shell out moolah.)

ANYHOO ... As I was saying, I was on my blog do some admin stuff when I noticed a particular person’s <clears throat> Mel <cough> website URL kept popping up on my “Referrers” section. So imagine my suprise when I found out some WONDERFUL person wrote a little ditty about how much my blog inspires them.

Wow. That just totally blew me away. I feel like I should be standing up behind the magic mike stand (you know, the one that disappears once the person is done speaking?) to thank the entire blogoverse for allowing me to write as freely as I do. And specifically to thank everyone for actually reading my words.

Oh, and did I mention this was all done anonymously ?! So … seriously, *THANK YOU* to whomever wrote such beautiful words about me. You honestly don’t know how much it means to me …

The "Stirrups Queen" herself (with the Tiara) along with me, Io and Aunt Becky (left to right) at BlogHer 2009

Anyway, for those of you that aren’t familiar with Mel from Stirrup Queens … she is one of the ALI (Adoption, Loss and Infertility) community’s biggest chieftans. She is *the* person who has managed to organize the lot of us ALI bloggers under one roof … and she’s typically the one who puts the “shout out” to all of us when one of us in need of good support. That’s why it’s perfect that she used to blog under the name “The Town Criers.”

Okay … so yeah, getting sidetracked here again. But I thought it’s very important for those that may stumble onto my site for a variety of reasons to know where to find a comprehensive list of resources for Adoption, Loss and Infertility.

HOWEVER … I *am* finally getting to the point of this post and how it ties (ba-dum-dum) into February’s NaBloPoMo theme. And it’s this …

One of the reasons I started blogging about my Infertility journey was because I felt extremely alone. I felt that there was no one in my immediate surroundings that would even begin to understand what I was going through. Throw in the fact that I’m Filipino-American, where being a mother is seen as a woman’s main purpose in life and where infertility or loss isn’t ever talked about amongst even the closest of close family members … well, yeah. Let’s just say that, other than my Hubby, I didn’t feel as if I had any support AT ALL.

Visiting Kara in La Jolla, Aug 2008

But as I began to peruse through other IF-er’s blogs, I began to feel less alone … less isolated. And stumbling onto Mel’s blogroll? Well yeah, I totally hit the jackpot.

From there I managed to find a bunch of other bloggers that have since become closer to me in the blogoverse than some of my IRL friends. I’m sure that part of the reason is the vast internet space that separates us; which, in turn, allows us to be more open and honest to each other than those who might even live under the same roof.

So how does this relate back to the whole “Ties” theme for NaBloPoMo? It’s simple.

Sometimes there is one common thread that ties one complete stranger to another one. In my world … specifically my Blog World … it’s my infertility. And now, as I travel down a new path … it’s my decision to live with my husband child-free after infertility.

Again … thank you Miss (or Mister?) Anonymous for such lovely words. Sometimes it’s those little suprises in life that keep propelling me forward … especially in my quest to find the next grand adventure in my life.

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*What can I say? I’m a month behind? And isn’t that the story of my life?!

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My Favorite "Tie"

Day two of NaBloPoMo; and the theme for the month is “Ties.”

So what will I talk about today? Hmmm … How about my favorite “Tie”? And yes, that would be Hubby.

For those of you that know me IRL, the fact that Hubby is my #1 “Tie” is a double-entendre. Not only is he my favorite thing to keep “tied” to, but well … y’all IRL-ers know *exactly* what I mean. Tee-hee!

I mean, seriously, Hubby is the Tie that I refer to when I think about wanting to be tied to something … er, rather some *one*.

It’s one thing to “Tie the knot” with the love of my life … it’s a completely different thing to want to spend most of my waking hours with him.

Simply put, Hubby is my best friend. And I wouldn’t want to be tied up … er, tied down by anyone else.

Wouldn't want Hubby to "Lego" of me ...
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Em on Em

So I was sitting here watching the State of the Union speech, and I’m found myself entranced in watching this speech unfold.

Oh don’t worry … after yesterday’s long rambling political soapbox I was on, I am not going to debate about how *I* feel the State of the Union is.

No; really I’m more entranced on how Obama delivered his speech; the way he appeared open, warm and humble … the way he infused some humor into the seriousness of each issue he discussed. While I’m sure it’s because he has a team of speech writers that come up with the most appropriate phrases to elicit the most appropriate responses … I also think that part of speech delivery is about personality.

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I was telling Hubby today that there are some days that I don’t feel like I belong in the high profile supervisor position I’m in here in Chicago. And I say that because, anybody that really knows me, knows that I like to inject humor into any situation. The thought is that if I have to do something that I might think is “unpleasant,” I might as well make light of a difficult situation and find humor in it.

The thing is, I don’t think there are many people I work with that share my same view. And while I know that working for a Health Insurance company in the midst of Health Care Reform isn’t exactly a walk in the park, I still believe that there’s a need to break out of such seriousness and have a little fun.

Maybe it’s just the office I’m in, because at the very least … I’ve managed to get the employer group I work closely with to laugh at some of my off-beat humor. That should count for something, right?!

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After writing yesterday’s post … I realized that there are quite a few of my Facebook friends that I knew only from grade school / junior high. With that said, these friends probably have this image in their mind of the sweet little “Oriental” girl in their class. The one that always tried her best not to rock the waves. (Even then, I was conscious about trying to keep the peace …)

These same friends probably don’t know the “Emily” who began to shape her beliefs and values in high school. And who further developed them in college and post-college. The same “Emily” who began to voice her opinions and ideals without holding back. But they also probably haven’t met the “Adult Emily.” The one who recognizes that respect for others opinions and ideals is just as important as being able to be heard about my own beliefs.

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I wonder how strange it is/was for these friends to see how much I’ve changed? Or how strange it must be for the people in my department to see that I’m very much like a “mullet” ( … you know, business in the front and party in the back … )**?

The more I reflect on these two very different situations, the more I realize that I’m really writing about who *I* am as a person … who I’ve grown up to be. And as this fellow blogger (who I’ve just discovered is traveling down a similar path) responded on this older post, I’m discovering that I kinda like who I am.

** Talk about humor … a HS friend said that her son described skorts as a “mullet for your butt … skirt in front and shorts in back”!! I could not stop laughing after I heard that one!

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Embracing Me

There’s this song by the Velvet Underground that seems to always unleash this feeling of nostalgia within me. Perhaps it’s because I “discovered” this song during my freshman year in high school (thanks to my BFF at that time who was also fellow music afficianado). Or perhaps it’s because the song has this uniquely haunting music box melody to it. Regardless, “Sunday Morning” was one of those songs I recall rewinding and replaying over and over again on my Walkman.

Woulda made for a cool album cover, eh? 😛

I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned it before on my blog, but my high school BFF and I had aspirations of becoming incredibly large rock stars. (Yes, laugh all you want … but admit it, that thought probably crossed your minds at one point during your high school existence!) Forget that I wasn’t the best of musicians around … I just wanted to be part of something creative.

In any case, my BFF and I came up with this incredible idea to form a band. Armed with many years of piano lessons behind us, we sought to find other people that might be interested in creating the same type of music that we liked.

We didn’t have to go very far to find a few people. One person in particular (we’ll call him S), ended up becoming a pretty good friend of ours*. And it’s also because of him that we found other like-minded musicians. Although we never went further than playing “cover songs” of other ’80’s alternative bands, we spent a lot of time at each others’ houses pretending to have “band practice.” And it’s during one of those sessions that I learned to play “Sunday Morning.”

The other night, I had the opportunity to “chat” with S on Facebook. We’ve chatted a couple times before in the past, but nothing other than “Wotcha been up to?” This chat came at a really really nice time, though. One that had me contemplating, once again, what my life was going to be like sans children.

I won’t lie. That thought has been weighing heavily on my mind lately. Sure, I’ve officially made the decision to live child-free (finally). Sure, I know that this decision has lifted a great weight off of my shoulders. Truth is, I know that right now my future is limitless.

The thing is, I’ve always envisioned my adult life surrounded with kids. Lots of them. And the Filipina in me, who always put family first, strongly supported that vision. Being a mother and raising children was going to define who I was.

I say this as an absolute because, although I like my career, I’m not passionate about it. Being a mother … it would have been my life’s passion. It would have been  the pinnacle of my existence.

What does my fortune hold?

With the decision to live child-free, I feel I should be finding a new reason for existing. I have this urge to find out what I really should be doing with my life. While I know I should be embracing this opportunity to wipe the proverbial slate clean, I must admit that I’m slightly overwhelmed.

I could continue with my career path and try to remain successful with each new opportunity … but since I already know I’m not passionate about it, would I be happy later in life? At the very least (knock on wood), I know that this future will provide me with the income that Hubby & I need to survive.

I could go back to school and try my hand at something different; forge a new career path into something I know I’d enjoy. But does this guarantee passion? Does it guarantee success?

Or I could go back to that high school dream of becoming an incredibly huge Rock Star. I’ve always wanted to be a kick-a$$ bass player, a-la-Kim Deal.

I told some of this to S while chatting the other day. And although he did suggest I go out and by a bass guitar right away, he did offer me up one piece of advice. In his always calm and gentle manner, he told me that what I do in life (whether it involves being a mother or not ) shouldn’t dictate who I am. I shouldn’t fight against who I am. He said, “Let Emily be Emily.”

So that’s what I’m going to try to do for now. I’m going to let me be me. And maybe, just maybe, my heart and mind will be open enough to find a new passion in life … a new reason for my existence.

* Ironically, he also ended up being my Jr Prom date, while future-Hubby was my HS BFF’s date. How funny is that?

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Storm Clouds and Strength

Hello Blogland. It’s been awhile. And while I haven’t written much more than the quarterly (and now annually) performance evals for my staff as well as politically correct email after email … It’s not like I didn’t have the need or desire to write.

Storm Clouds gathering at the Mayan Ruins of Tulum

Like how, for the first time in, oh … I don’t know, 14 years, I wasn’t too wrapped up on how much the holiday season was about having a child in which to bestow such happiness and wonderment on. While part of the reason was because I was so busy between work and traveling back and forth from Detroit … I think it was honestly because I didn’t feel the need to separate myself from the friends and family with kids as I have in the past. It was rather … liberating, may I say.

Or how a year ago earlier this month, I celebrated my 1-yr work anniversary at my current place of employment. This means, of course, that it’s officially been a year since I’ve moved to Chicago.

That Sunday before my “anniversary,” Hubby and I spend the morning in bed. And as we lay there, all nice and snuggly underneath four layers of blankets, we recalled what it was like for us a year ago that day; how I watched him from our second story apartment window drive away from me back to our home in Michigan, where he would live until April.

And so it begins to rain on the coast of the Caribbean Sea

Hubby & I hugged a little tighter after that brief memory; and rightly so, as I recall feeling as if my heart had broken into a zillion pieces. Especially since we’d  only see each other on the weekends after that.  But Thank G*d for modern technology; specifically, video iChat, which allowed me to literally fall asleep “next” to him … even though we were separated by hundreds of miles of roads and, well, a gazillion miles worth of cable for such an internet connection.

Looking back on that first day of work last year, I still can’t believe how I managed to get through it without falling apart. New city, new job, new place of living … oh, and no car, too. Any one of those things could be considered a major stressor in life, but then throw in the fact that Hubby wasn’t physically there to hold my hand through it? Yeah, like I said … amazing I made it through a whole day, let alone three whole months before we were “living” under the same roof again.

It’s amazing how much one could draw strength at times when it’s needed most. Early 2009 was definitely one of those times. What I can’t understand is how strength can come in many different forms; especially at times when it seems as if things are the bleakest.

What? There's a beach down there?!

Last year, I drew strength from knowing that I was going to do everything possible to make this “new life” successful. I had to make it work; simply because I knew the consequences of it not working would be to move back to Michigan. Not that I wouldn’t do it (or be unhappy about it) if things came to that … I just wanted to try my best so that I could gain some momentum on success in my life.

So what or where did I draw strength from during my lowest point in my IF journey? Good question. Those days I honestly don’t know how I put one foot in front of the other. Because even though I tried my “best” to be successful in creating a family … well, we all know the end results. And how does one find strength from inside when the end result would never be 100% clear? Where the “consequences” of not being successful were just as, if not deeper and darker than the pain felt at the very beginning of the IF journey?

The short answer is that I don’t know. All I know is that, even though my IF journey ended with living child-free, I somehow managed to find a small glimmer of light, a slight silver lining around the edges of the storm clouds of infertility. And I managed to find some strength to find my way out of the darkness.

And I hope that any other IF-ers that read this knows that, even in its worse days, somehow that strength is buried deep inside; it’s just a matter of remembering to use it.

What the H*ll, I'm already wet!!