Oh, Facebook … why do you tease me so? You are a fickle friend who loves to simultaneously bring me closer to family and friends I haven’t seen in ages … and make me feel insanely alone. Especially when seeing “First Day of School” pics or status updates from everyone.
Okay, so I exaggerate a bit. What can I say? I was in the Drama Club in high school.
And truth be told, I love seeing all the cute pictures of the kids; especially as I get to see how much bigger and older they’ve gotten since the last pictures of them were posted.
But yet, there’s the little part of me that feels those tiny daggers stabbing away at my core. The sad thing is … well, I’m not quite sure if my “core” is my barren uterus. Or my heart.
Bit by bit, those daggers are disappearing from my heart … and I’m feeling less envious of those family & friends who have become parents. Rather, I’m beginning to be more accepting of where I am in my life and which path my life is taking me.
Hubby & I bought our 2002 Subaru Legacy Outback with the idea that we’d have this “wagon” for our future children.
Never mind that we had already been on the infertility roller coaster for more than three years by then. And that I was heading into my first laparotomy to clear out some of that nasty endo stuff. Nevermind that we pretty much knew by then that IVF was in our near future.
We just wanted to have a nice reliable “family” type car to own so we’d be able to share memories of road trips with the kids like both of us remembered growing up.
And as we all know, that dream never came into fruition. Well, at least the “kids” part.
Anyway, around the time Hubby & I got our Outback, these car stickers began to pop up on minvans and SUV’s everywhere. They were the kind of clear car stickers that you could place on the rear window and peel off, if you ever needed to. And on these stickers were “stick figures” of all the family members that lived in the particular car-owner’s household. You know, Dad followed by Mom plus how-ever-many kids they had … and even whatever pet they had.
They still have those stickers today; except now you can customize it to whatever you’d like. You can have Dad be a “golfer” while Mom is a “nurse” (or worse … at least for me, pregnant!); and you can have kids be “dressed” in whatever activities they’re involved with (sports, scouts, etc.).
And as much as I began to despise those car stickers (especially in the later years of our IF journey), I must admit that I’ve always wanted to have one.
Of course, our sticker wouldn’t have any children on there; it would only have Hubby & I in our “custom” outfits. And of course we’d have to add our fur-children. So I looked online to see what they had available and was pleasantly surprised to see just how much we could customize them.
I haven’t ordered one; nor do I think I ever will … because geesh! They seem ridiculously expensive for stick figures … but, it was fun imagining what our rear window would have looked like.
It’s a sad day here in the ApronStrings household. We just found out that one of our cat-nieces passed away today at the age of 19.
Mocha was an adorable kitty who absolutely loved to play fetch with you. You could crumple up a small piece of paper and throw it across the room … and she’d find it and bring it back to you.
She’d been my brother’s cat throughout the years of grad school and med school; keeping my brother company as he moved around. And although she didn’t love the fact that there was a new “woman” in Dr. Bro’s life … she learned to live with Dr. SIL all the same. And then she learned to live with a new sister-kitty, Sophia … and eventually “tolerated” her two younger (but definitely bigger) greyhound brothers.
Despite all these changes, Mocha remained a feisty cat. She never loved to be carried (except by Dr. Bro, of course) but loved to paw at you while sitting next to her. And even though I won’t miss being scratched at or bitten when attempting to pet her during one of her “moods”, I will miss her dearly.
As much as I love sunny days, especially in the midst of Winter or during the last days of Autumn, there is something about overcast days that I love. Particularly when it’s a warm day outside.
It reminds me of our honeymoon to Hawaii in early September. It was still quite warm outside, but there tends to be more chance of a tropical rain. And me lovey my warm summer rain falls.
During that honeymoon trip, a local taught us one of the best weather-telling tips ever. We were told that once the wind starts to pick up, that it’s a tell-tale sign that rain is on its way. And to this day, this tip has proven to be accurate.
Overcast weather is good for another thing … and that’s taking pictures. It’s as if the clouds act as a natural “filter” to enhance the colors around nature. Not that I’m much of a photographer, but I love to take pictures outside during these moments.
In any case … today was one of those days in Detroit. Sunny in the morning; but increasingly overcast as the afternoon rolled on. It hasn’t quite started to rain yet, but that wind is kicking up. So it’s a good thing I picked up our Kozzy-girl from her day at the Spa before it begins to rain.
I got an email today from the recruiter of one of the two jobs I was interested in. The one in which I’d have a similar role to the one I recently had, with the ability to do it from home. And unfortunately, I did not make the cut to interview with the department.
I can’t tell you how disappointed I am; as I thought I might have had a fighting chance. I mean, any other time I’ve applied and interviewed for a job, I’ve been relatively successful in being able to present myself. I may have not gotten the job, but I felt good about the interview anyway. And this time, I didn’t even get to the interview in order to “sell” myself and my talents.
I’m not sure if it’s because I’m being forced to find a new job, but right now I feel as if the world is out to get me; to kick me down when the going gets rough.
Realistically, I should know not to let one rejection affect me so much. And realistically I know that I shouldn’t let one person‘s feelings or vindictiveness get the best of me. Yet, it does … despite how much I try not to.
While running errands this afternoon, Hubby and I stumbled upon a bumper sticker that said “Wag More, Bark Less.” And the mere thought of the meaning behind such a saying made me smile, despite feeling so down.
When I picked up Kozzy this evening, I couldn’t help but witness her lovable demeanor (at least to us); all full of boundless energy and happiness, especially the minute she spotted me. It’s as if she wanted to tell me everything that happened to her during her “Spa Day,” all with the simple wag of her tail and nudge of her head up against my thigh.
The best I can describe it to someone who might not know what I mean … it would be like an excited 18-month old toddler who can barely speak, run up to his/her “Mommy” or “Daddy” and clutch his/her parent’s thigh tightly while babbling upwards at them incoherently.**
The best part of that moment? Seeing Kozzy’s new “look.” And even though she has never been a frou-frou dog, Kozzy proudly displayed her new fashionista style to me. And once back home, she promptly decided to drop down in the grass and roll on her back to her heart’s content. All without uttering a single bark. All while proudly wagging her tail.
It’s a lesson to be learned; that bumper sticker and my Kozzy moment. I suppose despite the circumstances of what has happened to us over the past month … I should take a page out of Kozzy’s book.
I should wag more. And I should definitely bark less.
** Not that I have first hand experience in that, but I’ve been witness to many moments like that; especially recently.
Hubby & I are back in Michigan for a few days; and I must admit that it’s good to be home. Especially after the past couple of weeks, post-employment.
I won’t lie. I’ve been completely stressed out over the unemployment issue. Between Hubby not getting paid in a timely manner (despite working non-stop on multiple jobs for the past few weeks) and me not bringing any income … we’ve been up late and night worrying about finances. And my job hunt has been painstakingly slow (well, at least in my eyes anyway).
So being in Michigan … and not having to be back to return on Monday to a non-existent job … has been nice. Minus the multiple loads of laundry we’ve brought back with us and cleaning up around the house we now consider our “home away from the city”, we should be able to relax … even for just a little bit.
We came home yesterday afternoon in time for Tyler’s Confirmation; where Hubby was given the honor of being his Sponsor. Afterward, we spent time at the In-Laws trying to convince Kairi that we were, indeed the same Auntie & Uncle she visited earlier in April. And after dinner, we spent time trying to sharpen Tyler’s Scrabble skills by playing a couple of games. So by the time we arrived back at our house, it was pretty late and it took all of a few moments before the dog was fed and we were in bed for the night.
Hubby & I crashed so hard that when the alarm I set on my phone went off this morning, I picked my phone up and “answered” it. And while I admittedly slept well in our wonderful non-IKEA queen-sized bed … I have to admit that I woke up feeling stressed. It’s as the minute my eyes opened, my mind bypassed neutral and went straight into overdrive.
Yeah. I’m that pitiful.
In any case, after a few moments of tossing and turning in bed I got up to take a very anxious Kozzy out for her morning business. After all, If I couldn’t calm myself down … the least I could do was calm Pacey McPacer down. So I took puppy-girl and headed out our front door. As she did her business next to a couple of bushes on our front lawn, I sat on our porch to take in the morning air. Then Kozzy decided to do the same thing; laying on the grass to bathe in the morning sunshine. It was … the most relaxing moment I’ve had in a looong time.
And because I had to share the moment with my best friend, I went back in and grabbed Hubby. We sat there for a spell, taking in the sights and sounds of a beautiful Sunday morning and absorbing the tranquility of our surrounding. No trains passing by in the distance, no traffic down the street … no taxis honking at the cars in front of them. Other than the sounds of birds chirping and the slight breeze passing by, it was so quiet.
Unfortunately, we had places to be by lunch so we reluctantly went back in. Even Hubby agreed that it was a nice calming moment … saying that the only thing that would make it better is if we could go to the spa and get a massage**. And I couldn’t have agreed with him more!
But wow … what a perfect way to collect our thoughts and start the day. If I could find away to capture that moment and relive it every morning, I totally would. But then I guess this wouldn’t be a moment I’d be able to treasure forever.
** The irony? Our Kozzy-girl is the one with a Spa Day. She gets to go to the groomer tomorrow and get a bath and her nails trimmed … or, as I’ve been calling it, a “Pedi-Pedi”! Is it wrong that I’m jealous?!