Friends – Page 8 – Apron Strings for Emily

25 March 2009

Joy and Pain

I have this incredibly horrible habit of pulling myself away … of freezing up with this indescribable fear … when good news surrounds those I love.

It’s not that I’m bitter about their happiness, or jealous of such good news. If anything, I am typically very excited for my friends and family. I’m absolutely overjoyed with their wonderful news.

But the thing is, it never seems … at least in my humble opinion … that I come off as sounding genuinely happy whenever I congratulate the receiver of such good news.

To me, it’s an awkwardness that I can only compare to expressing sympathy for the passing of a good friend’s aunt or uncle … I realize how important this family member was to my friend, however because I may have never physically met this family member … never really knew this person … I just can’t quite understand how much this death will have affected my good buddy.

Nevertheless, that clumsiness is socially acceptable. That feeling of ineptness is considered “normal” in most circles.

Whereas the ineptness I feel whenever whenever I attempt to express my happiness for my loved ones … Well, it’s as if I lack grace. Or elegance. It feels, although not purposefully, as if my smile never quite reach my eyes … as if the light bulb in my brain is permanently set on dim. It may appear to others that I am only “blithely” expressing my happiness for my loved ones, my friends. But that, I can tell you, is not the case.

In full disclosure, I do feel a bit of sadness. But this sadness is not directed at my loved ones. It is truly a sadness just for me … and is directed for myself alone.

I know I’m rambling incoherently here. And I know that despite the utter happiness I feel for my friends and my loved ones … I continue to have this emptiness in my chest (or in my uterus, as it may be).

I know, as Dr. SIL so eloquently stated, that another person’s biggest joy could very well coincide with my biggest grief. And I know this is the reason I find myself pulling away from those that I love during the happier moments in their lives.

I know all this. And logically, I also know that I’m allowed to feel such sadness for myself … to pull away during those snippets in time … all in order to move forward and away from my grief, and so I can remain strong in the face of my own personal demons.

Sunshine after the Rain (notice how dark the clouds are in the side mirror)

But … it doesn’t stop me from continuing to feel the guilt. And this logic doesn’t stop me from feeling as if I’m such a horrible person for feeling the things that I do. Or that I’m downright being plain selfish by having such thoughts of sadness for myself, any myself alone.

And it certainly doesn’t help that society follows that same train of thought … that sadness in the midst of other people’s joy is neither polite nor socially acceptable.

That … that “social nonacceptance” is the basis for my irrational fear whenever good news is sprung in my direction. This is why I freeze.

Because quite frankly, I’m not sure if I should be honest with myself and allow myself to feel the way I do. Or if I should just “shut up” in order to remain socially acceptable.

Either way, it’s happiness mixed with a little angst. A bit of joy mixed with pain. A little sunshine with the rain.

And a whole lot of frustration and isolation (self-inflicted, of course) to boot.

13 March 2009

It's All About ME (and K, too)

Amazing … this is two posts in a short span of time. And when I mean short “span” I do mean that literally, this post and the last were written within an hour of each other. Despite the fact that they show two different dates.

Yeah. I should be sleeping, as it’s past midnight. But instead I’m still slightly wide awake. Hubby and I have been video-chatting … and it’s been nice to just see his face (even if it IS of him just watching TV) just to feel as if we’re close to one another. I swear … the wonders of modern technology!

Anyhoo … tonite I got to spend the evening with one of my favorite high school buddies, K. She’s the pal who directed me to where I should look for places to live in the big city … and when I did find the place where I’m at now, we realized that we lived only a block and a half away from one another. She’s also the one who, one evening, I had more than an hour long conversation via Sk.ype … and we both thought how ridiculous it was since we could be over each others’ place in only a few minutes. But hey … there was something about video chatting while in our pajamas that made it feel like a “sleep over.” Minus the bowl of popcorn, sleeping bags and scary movies, that is.

While over her place, I got to spend time with her beautiful daughter. “ME” … as K’s dad has nicknamed her … is such a cutie! And she’s grown so much in just the past two months since I first met her. Really … she went from barely starting to crawl to standing upright and walking around the table (grabbing it by the edge, of course) in just that small window of time.

But oh … does she have an adorable personality. ME, that is. I mean K has a great personality, too … but seeing as if we picked up right where we left off some 12 years prior … getting to know little ME even more was just so much fun. I can’t wait to see how much more that personality developes the older she gets.

Well, seeing as my eyes are starting to droop … I guess I should wrap this tiny post up. I just wanted to share some pictures of ME so that K can snap a few of them up and perhaps put it on her bloggie. Because … well, who wouldn’t want to share these adorable pictures?! Oh … and maybe so K’s dad would stop pestering her to add more pics to the blog. (Grampa just loves his little ME!).

YAWN … okay. Good night. Oh and thanks, K for such a wonderful evening!

09 March 2009

"Me"-dia

Imagin me wearing stirrup stockings with this dress and kitten heel pumps ... yep, how 80's!

Well, since I finally made it home this weekend I got a chance to find a couple more 80’s pictures … including that one picture of me in a dress that reminded me of this one … the one I wore at the Addy Awards last weekend.

It’s actually quite funny, when you think of it. Because both dresses actually are a mod dress inspired from the 60’s fashion styles. And yet … here I am wearing one dress in the 80’s and another one, some 20 years later again. Amazing how fashion styles recycle.

Anyhoo … Pretty scary that I was only 14 years old in that picture. And I seriously can’t believe my parents let me out of the house in that dress. What’s even more “scandalous” (well, at least in my eyes), is that my Mom was the one that picked this dress out. Because looking back at this picture now … it’s a pretty sexy dress for a 14 year old to wear, don’t you think?

But I remember the occasion at which I wore this dress for, which was a family friend’s 18th Birthday/Cotillion. It was during the summer before starting high school and I remember feeling quite self-conscious in the outfit. Which is probably why I can recall how socially “awkward” I felt that night.

And I realized this past weekend how some things never change. Hubby & I had some time to spare before heading over to my in-law’s house to celebrate my nephew’s 13th birthday. So we headed to the local mall just to walk about. (It was such crappy weather all weekend long, that doing anything outside was useless …)

Anyway, as we were there I headed into the local Sep.hora to look at some body lotion that a co-worker recommended to moisturize skin, but not leave it all moist and clammy especially when in the midst of a hot flash*. Now, I’ve never been inside a Sep.hora before; the reason behind it pretty obvious to anyone who knows me. I’m just simply not into make-up and dressing up.

I mean, I’ll dress up … when the occasion calls for it, I clean up quite nicely … but on an everyday basis? I’m the type of gal that’s more comfortable in a pair of jeans and a tshirt. And coming from a company where we could wear jeans daily to a company that requires leadership to dress business casual every day … well, that’s been a challenge.

So getting back to Sep.hora, I figured that while I was there I’d get some lip gloss to moisturize my lips … and maybe add a little color to it. Except I couldn’t believe how many choices were out there and I simply became overwhelmed. I mean seriously … all I wanted was a “leeetle” plum-rose color to my lips and what I saw was 50 zillion different varieties of plum or raspberry. I ended up just walking out of there with nothing.

But going back to the “some things never change” bit … I’m just not a “girly” girl and I never had been. I was the girl that climbed trees and ran her bike through muddy trails. I was the same girl who loved walking through puddles at school (seriously … whenever it rained, there would be this huge puddle in the middle of the parking lot that I believe I named “Lake St. Vincent”). I was that pre-teen (or “tweenager,” as they’re now called) that still loved to stay up and watch the movies at slumber parties rather than play dress-up or put on make-up.

For that, I still believe it’s because I never had that consistent female “bond” with another girl … a sister, or a mentor that could coach me through some of those things. And I still believe it’s because I was that first-generation Filipino-American; my parents not quite familiar with what typical American things that pre-teens (or even teenagers) do.

This pic was taken after one of my "modeling" classes I took. I think this is the class they taught me how to put on makeup ... ha!

I give my parents credit though. They did the best that they could do. And they, particularly my mom, did try to encourage me to do things that most teens might do (within reason, of course). One of them was signing me up for modeling classes after I turned 16. Now, I must be honest … this would have been something I would totally wanted to do at the age of 13 or 14. But by 16, my personality was such that doing anything that surrounded using your “looks” to get ahead with anything was something I was SO against. (Helloooo …. New Wave/Goth chick, here!) But I faithfully went; partly out of obligation, as my Mom shelled out a lot of money for these classes. And partly out of sheer curiosity. Because, the girls that were in my class … they were the antithesis of who I was.

And what did I learn from these classes? Posture (which still sucks), poise and grace (which doesn’t work with my two left feet), and that I look best in “Summer Colors” when it comes to clothes and makeup. I think that last thing is the only lasting impression from that class … because I realized recently (after years of simply wearing black and/or white) is that I do like to dress myself in those “Summer Colors.”

Not that it matters too much anymore … but sometimes I wonder how I come across to other people, looking the way that I do. Given that I tend to wear my hair pulled back in a ponytail (or even piggy tails … not. kidding. you.) and I am one for sacrificing fashion for comfort, I think people think that I’m young and immature. (Which I can be … ) But after talking to me for any length of time, these same people tend to realize that I am older and more mature than they originally thought. That I’m smart and intelligent. That I’m knowledgeable in certain areas. But that’s only after they get to know me. And probably after they see how much grey hair I actually have.

In any case, going into that Sep.hora brought me straight back to those days of self-consciousness. And back to such an awkward phase in my life.

But enough of looks and awkwardness and fashion and lack of make-up. Let’s talk about how much fun I had being back home this weekend. We celebrated my nephew’s 13th birthday on Saturday and I still cannot believe he’s officially a teenager now (well, really he’ll be one officially on the 12th …) by having dinner at a local restaurant and then heading over my in-laws afterwards for birthday cake. From the moment he saw us, my nephew didn’t want to leave our side. And as I know those moments are going to start to be few and far in between, I relished every moment of his closeness. I also got to see my niece for the first time since December and I can’t believe how much bigger she’s gotten. She’s now 6 months old and her personality has definitely started to develop. My favorite moment of that night was this following video.

This video was taken while my SIL and I were “video chatting” in iChat on our laptops. We were both in the dining room facing directly across from each other. And when my nephew sat down to chat with me, he took his baby sister with him who, of course, was fascinated by seeing me (and herself) on the computer screen. I wish we started recording it sooner, because the first few times were priceless … but this video is still awesome. She (and my nephew, of course) is such a cutie!!

And Sunday, I was supposed to meet up with a couple of grade school friends for brunch. Unfortunately, since the weather’s been sucking a$$ right now I think we’ve all come down with some sort of sinus thingy; one of my friends worse than myself and my other friend. It would have been great to see them both, as I haven’t seen them since … like, forever … but we’re going to reschedule for the end of this month when I should be back in town to help Hubby move. 🙂

Instead, Sunday was spent going for dim sum with my parents. It was nice to sit and talk with them; and I think I genuinely surprised them by making the time to see them during this weekend home. The truth is, I would have made the time anyway … I just didn’t have a chance to call them until I got into town.

And while at that restaurant, I ran into one of my best friends from Nursing School. He’s now working as a professor for a local University and we’ve recently caught up in Face.book. But nothing beats actually seeing him and hugging him in person. We managed to make plans to catch up next time he comes into my “neck of the woods.” Can’t wait for that.

And now … about 6 hours from now, I’ll be boarding the train back to the City. Another weekend home gone so quickly. This being the second time I’ve been back to Detroit since moving, I realize how much I miss parts of this area. I miss all the shops and the ability to jump in my car and find parking anywhere. I miss how much cheaper going out to eat and/or seeing movies are. I miss seeing Sabrina on a daily basis. But the thing I miss the most? Yep, my family.

But the good thing is … we’re never that far away by email or phone. And not even by physical distance.

Yay family!

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~

* Nope, not having hot flashes so much anymore. But when walking the distance I do from the train to my office building every morning … I do tend to work up a sweat. It usually is worse whenever I take a shower in the morning (and therefore putting body lotion on at that time) … Anyway, I’m sure this was more information that y’all needed to know.

09 February 2009

Can't. Stop. Facebooking.

Whew. What a weekend. But it was a fun weekend, that’s for sure. I flew home to Detroit this past Friday for the purpose of taking my Mom out for her birthday. And for the added bonus, our good friend J’s birthday was also on Saturday. He planned an outing to celebrate his birthday at the local Dave & Busters and had extended the invitation to me. However, in efforts to surprise him I told him that I wasn’t going to be able to make it as I had to work on Saturday. So when I showed up Saturday evening, he was caught off guard. It was great to see his expression and was wonderful to catch up with him.

And yesterday, Hubby & I took my parents out to brunch this wonderful breakfast place by our homes. We sat, relaxed and caught up with all the going ons in our lives. They had just come back from Vegas and looked incredibly relaxed and happy. And Hubby & I filled them in on our new digs and I told them about my job.

I also managed to spend the whole weekend doing laundry. Yep; that’s right. Laundry. You see, our apartment does have a washer and dryer, except it hasn’t exactly been working. So … knowing that I had to take my laundry out of the building to get it washed and still have to pay for the machines … well, I figured I’d send a whole bin-full of dirty clothes home with Hubby last weekend and do my laundry for free at home! So now instead of having one carry-on of stuff (including this wonderful lappie of mine), I will be returning with a second carry-on bag. And Hubby will now have to bring the rest of the clean cloths back with him next weekend. I’ve told him that it could be his Valentine’s Day gift for me. (Woo-hoo! Clean underwear!! 🙂 )

The other thing I had done this past weekend (in between activities and laundry loads) was do a whole bunch of scanning of old photos. I’d been wanting to do this for awhile, but … 1) I had no scanner with me in the new digs, and 2) all the old photos were still back in Detroit. So being at home this past weekend afforded me the time to do some scanning.

And the added bonus was that I could start uploading some of these photos onto my Facebook (FB) page. Well, seeing all the comments from people that I had “tagged” on these photos has been a total hoot! It’s totally brought back so many fond memories of my youth all the way up to those initial post-college / pre-wedding days.

I realize that I’ve been totally addicted to FB lately. And I’m sure the reason is three-fold. One is because I’ve enjoyed keeping in touch with my family; Dr. Bro & Dr. SIL as well as my SIL and her Hubby. Yes, I realize how ironic that is … that I’ve managed to stay more “in-tuned” with my SIL since moving away from the area. But like we’ve both said in passing at one time or another, perhaps distance is what’s best for now. Besides, I know she’s been swamped with school (she’s going back for Nursing) and with caring both Kairi and Tyler. And I know I’ve been just a “tad” overwhelmed with my new job. At least on FB, we can do a quick status update to get an idea of what’s going on in our lives.

As for Dr. Bro and Dr. SIL … since they live clear across the country, this has been such a great (and inexpensive) way to “talk” to one another; to share with each other daily things. And plus, Dr. SIL *now* gets to see some pics of her Hubby in his youth. Ha!

The second reason I’ve been pretty active on FB is because I’ve been getting back in touch with all those friends I’ve lost touch with over the years. Many of them were friends I was really close with in high school; two of which I still get to see every once in a while, and a third who now literally lives a block and a half away from me. (It’s actually quite funny that we’ve chatted on FB and have even “Skype“-ed it one evening … when we could literally be at each others’ place in a matter of minutes!) Then there are those grade school and childhood friends … the ones I haven’t seen in decades. Those ones have been fun to see how much we’ve changed from then … and how we have so many of the same recollection of events. And seeing those photos of us? Yeah … what a blast!

Finally, the third reason I’ve been on FB is because I am simply in a new location without Hubby and have not established any new friendships in the area. And FB has been a way for me to socialize for the time-being. Oh, I know I’ve got cousins and my great HS friend here … but establishing new connections, new friendships? That hasn’t happened immediately. Yet. I’m sure it doesn’t help that I’m constantly at work. And while I have established some connection with a few people, being the “new kid” in both the company and the general area — let alone a “newbiew” in a leadership position — it’s been difficult trying to “feel” people out. And to be felt up in return. (Yeah, so that came out wrong … tee-hee!)

Realistically, I know that this won’t come straight away and that I need to give it time. I just find it strange how tough it’s become to establish new friendships. Seriously … it’s sometimes hard enough to maintain a connection with those people who might not be aware of the childless situation we’re in. Sometimes it’s difficult for either side of a friendship to understand the circumstances surrounding any situation either of us are in or have been in. Imagine trying to establish this connection with anyone new. Yeah, like I said … “difficult.”

But. I just so you know, I am making an effort. I am continuing to be the happy and humerous person I know I can be (and have been, of late). I am trying to show my quirky personality. And I am open in sharing my experiences with infertility to anyone who asks. And maybe that’s why some people shy away, not knowing what to do or how to relate to my childless situation. But I’m cautiously optimistic that they will only see the infertile side of my life as only part of my overall makeup as an individual.

So yes. Wow. I am making that effort to step out of my Infertility Shell. And by doing that, I’ve found myself thinking less and less of it from week to week, month to month. I’m hoping that it continues to head that way. And that I will finally not let my infertility rule my overall life.

But until then … until I befriend Oprah or Jerry Springer, or any other major celeb in the area that might grant me access to the upper eschelon of society (yeah, right!) … I have a feeling I will continue to spend a lot of my social time on FB.

03 February 2009

Time To Hug A Filipino

For those of you that didn’t know … today was a FaceBook “Hug A Filipino” Day. Except since I’m too new to this area, I’ve not gotten any hugs today. Which has been made worse since I haven’t even been able to give my favorite Pinoy … Hubby, of course … a great big bear hug. (Alright everyone … I wanna here a collective “Awwwwrrr ….” 😛 )

But before you go about sending hugs my way, I want to ask you to click over to this blog and give this wonderfully awesome incredible and brilliant woman a hug. She. Deserves. It. Definitely more than I do today. And it breaks my heart that she has to go through this. So pop on over and show her some bloggie love. And maybe if we give her enough love, she’ll continue to write … and stay in our little corner of the blogiverse (hint hint …)

Okay, back to my regularly scheduled nonsense.

I’ve been on this Facebook kick lately (as evidenced by my last post). And while I’ve been on there for the past couple years, it only seems like over the past few months I’ve been finding more and more “old” friends from grade school all the way up to my first post-college job. It’s been fun catching up with them and seeing what they’ve been up to since the last time we talked to each other.

I’ve totally enjoyed perusing through all their pictures; many of them old photos of when they were young. There were even some pictures of me at that age. And trust me … seeing those early to mid 80’s photos just had me rolling on the floor!

Of course, many of them are now married. No … not all of them have children, but I’d say the majority of them do. Not only do many of them have one child but two … or more. And seeing those pictures of their family? It amazes me how some of their kids look *so much* like them; some of them mirror images of how I remembered them in our youth.

I didn’t bring this up to grumble about my childless situation. Or how Hubby and I haven’t been able to produce a biological child of our own. That is simply our reality. Unfortunately. No … the difficult part of reconnecting with these friends and seeing these pictures is seeing how much their lives have changed. And seeing how much having children have enriched their lives. Or how much their daily occurrences revolve around their family. How even reading their “status updates” tend to reflect what’s going on in their household; whether their child is sick or what fun (or even not-so-fun) activities they’ve done that day.

My wish is that my life could have some of that flurry of activity … some of that day-to-day action. And although I am an admitted procrastinator, I tend to work much better under pressure … and thrive on it. While I know that having a child will definitely add extra “stress” to anyone’s life, what I long for is that consistent inconsistency of every day life. Those twists and turns that make the days just a little different than one another. That don’t make the days go by as if it’s once again “Time to make the doughnuts,” a-la-Dunkin’ Donuts.

That last statement does not mean that my daily life with Hubby is routine. If anything these past few months with the new job, subsequent move and current living-in-different-cities has definitely been far from “the norm.” And our immediate future, once we’re together under the same roof, will definitely be a series of new adventures.

But once things settle down … then what? Will my new job suddenly become just “a job” again? What new things can we experience once we’ve explored our new city? Will Hubby & I once again fall back into the “Fred the Baker” routine?

philippines badge I guess that’s what I’m terrified of. That I’ll revert back to a daily “nothing ever changes” routine. That I’ll once again feel “stuck” with where I’m at in life. That Hubby and I will be standing along the sidelines observing everyone else … all those old friends and family members … move forward to new milestones, new achievements in their lives. When, quite frankly, we’d rather be active participants ourselves.

But enough of this bellyaching for now. Instead, I’m going to head back out into my FaceBook world and virtually hug every Filipino I know. Because who knows when the next “Hug A Filipino Day” will come around!