Category: Friends

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Such a Gleek

Although this post is not directly related to completely geeky pictures of me, I figured I might be able to get away with linking this to Aunt Becky’s latest game. After all, these are pretty lame high school pictures of me …

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It’s Tuesday night and I’m watching a rerun of one of my other new favorite TV show, “Glee.”

Yeah ... the caption underneath says it all!

I know what it must seem: that I have no life other than watching TV or movies, Facebooking, and blogging. Which, in addition to work, is pretty much accurate. But I’m okay with that. Really.

Anyway, I love “Glee” because it reminds me so much of being in high school and the search for belonging to something. Not that I belonged to one particular group or another back then. Even though I had my core group of friends, I managed to surprisingly float amongst all cliques.

But “Glee”? It brings me back to Varsity Choir and Drama Club. It reminds me of the days where a good friend, K and I used to hang out in the Sophomore hallway listening to some Dead Milkmen and Bauhaus on our Walkmans. It also reminds me of the days where a couple other friends and I used to harmonize quite a few early Depeche Mode and Erasure songs.

But mostly “Glee” reminds me of one of the other things I love to do, which is sing. I blame it on my parents need to record me singing “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” (and hitting Dr. Bro on his head with the mic) at the age of four.** And the whole early-edition karaoke machine we had in the mid-80’s.

Yep, "Gleeky" Emily (front and center) in Varsity Choir

In any case, there’s been this ongoing fake pregnancy story line between the Glee Club faculty advisor, Will Schuster and his wife, Terri. This couple had been together since high school and have, for years, been trying to start their family. While one would think this infertility story would be one that I would’ve liked, it actually annoyedme more than anything. But thank G*d, the “fake pregnancy” story finally resolved with the “winter finale” this past December. Unfortunately, it ended with Will leaving his wife after all the lies she weaved.

Watching the repeat of this episode tonight, I was reminded of a line that Terri Schuster said as she made her case to “win” Will back. She said:

“It’s just … I wanted so many things that I know we’re never going to have. But that was okay; as long as I still had you.”

And the thing is, when I heard this crazy woman say those words … I completely understood her.

I understood what it meant to do anything that I could to have a family with my Hubby. And I understood how much it would mean to me to share these things … these experiences … with my Hubby. But the difference between Terri Schuster and me is that I would never lie to my Hubby at the risk of losing him.

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And now for my Lenten acts.

Senior Year ... Future SIL and I were SOOO cool! LOL!

Random Act of Kindness Du Jour: It’s been a strange couple weeks at work regarding staff member’s families. Last week, one of my new Case Manager’s father passed away. And this week, another one of my Case Manager’s sisters unexpectedly passed on. To show our sympathies, our department typically sends flowers. Which is nice … but that’s not the good deed for today.

My good deed surrounds speaking one on one with the staff member whose sister passed away. This same staff member, who received the news yesterday at work, still came in to work this morning. When I spoke with her, I asked her how she felt and how she was coping. And yes, I offered to let her go home at any time. However, this staff member told me that it was probably best that she work so as to keep her mind off of the situation surrounding her surviving family members. When I pressed just a little further, I managed to get her to open up more. Without going into details, basically what I did was provide her with the support she needed as she wasn’t really getting it from anywhere else. And, while it didn’t make her feel a 100% better, at least I know I provided her with some comfort.

Gratitude Du Jour: I can’t tell you how grateful I am that Hubby drives me to work in the mornings. First of all, it allows me to arrive at work feeling less sticky and out of breath. Second, it allows me to feel less rushed in trying to make the El train in the morning. But most of all … well, it just allows me to sleep in for just a few moments longer. And anybody that knows me, knows that I love my sleep!

And with that said … I’m officially off to bed. G’Night all!!

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** Seriously, there is tape-recorded evidence of this!

I was even a Drama Club chairperson (again, front and center)


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Identity Theft

Big "L" for Lame Blog Friend

Since I’ve been blogging a lot recently, I’ve been trying to make an effort to “socialize” more. I admit that I am decent at writing posts, but not so great about commenting on other reader’s posts or comments in regards to my posts.

If it makes anybody feel better … I’m pretty much consistent with responding on Facebook and Twitter!

Anyhoo … I’ve been trying to read and comment on those blogs of people who I’ve been following since the beginning and who have followed me through those difficult years. There are three gals that I wish we could all get together in the same room and just shoot the sh*t; two I’ve met IRL and one … well, she has always been such a bright spot in my day.

Don’t get me wrong. I’ve met and have gotten pretty close to those other bloggers out there; it’s just that these three gals … well, I think there’s just something about them that seem to tie us all together (had to get one last February NaBloPoMo theme in … even though it’s March). And even though our shared bond was/is infertility, this friendship seems to have gone beyond it. So even though I had “disappeared” there for a bit (I blame no one but myself), I’m trying to make sure I keep these friendships up.

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I’m also branching out and trying to “socialize” with new bloggers. In the midst of writing daily, I’ve noticed that I had more “followers” and “lurkers” than I thought I did. (Thank you WordPress Blog Stats!) So yes, I’ve been trying to follow these bloggers and comment on their posts as well.

One of those new bloggie friends wrote a post about stigma and “spoiled identity” as it relates to her life and her struggles with infertility. And as I read her post, I realized that I had never quite described that feeling of social isolation and exclusion as being stigmatized. Or that feeling of not being able to contribute to conversations about child-rearing or pregnancy as being “socially discredited.” But that’s exactly what had happened in my IF journey.

It’s funny how I can learn new things, new perspectives from others going through what I had already gone through. Which, when going through my journey, I would have probably found any new point of view either comforting … or annoying.

Comforting, only if the person shared my same point of view or emotions. And annoying, if the person brought up something that hit a little too close to my soul … and sometimes (quite honestly) below the belt.

But reading these new perspectives now, after coming to terms with my own journey, they’re … well, refreshing. And, given what I learned today about my identity during that journey, I’d like to think I’m still learning about my IF journey, even if I’m no longer on that path.

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These three “original” IF friends … we’re all on different journeys now than when we first “met” via our own separate blogs. One of us is currently pregnant and two of us are currently off that crazy train called infertility. And one … well, one is at a point in her IF journey where I was at for so long. But despite the fact that we’re no longer on that shared path of IF, we’re still in a shared journey together. We’re still trying to provide support to one another.

All of us have been stigmatized by infertility. All of us have been robbed of the “identity” that we thought we’d have by now. All of us have experienced the feeling of being excluded (whether purposefully or not) from certain baby-related conversations or events. Yet all of us have managed to find comfort from one another. All of us have managed to forge a NEW identity amongst ourselves … outside of our infertility.

Because even though we may have had / still have a “spoiled identity” amongst other people in our own real lives, we’ve found that amongst us … our opinions matter. And our voices are allowed to be heard.

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My version of "The Grudge"

Daily Random Act of Kindness:  Let’s see; today my “good deed” for today was more of an exercise of patience. Let me set up the scene:

When I left work on Friday, it just happened that one of my team members was not very happy with the outcome of a conversation I had with her and the rest of my team earlier in the afternoon. Now, historically … this particular team member is known to hold grudges; and before I could approach her about the issue again last Friday, she had left for the day.

Needless to say, I dreaded going in to work today; knowing full well that I’d feel the wrath of The Grudge. And sure enough, when I made my “morning rounds” to say good morning to my team, all I got from this team member was a grunt.

It took a few tries, but I finally got her to say more than five words to me by mid-morning. And by the afternoon, she was finally back to her normal self.

A "Robert Smith" version of me in HS

While I know I needed to resolve the issue with this team member (seeing as I had to continue working with her and, well … supervising her), I think — or rather, I feel that I went above and beyond (and definitely out of my way) to get her to come around.

So yeah. I consider the patience I had with this team member my good deed of the day.

Daily Gratitude: Today I am grateful for bloggie friends; both old and new. If it wasn’t for you … I think I would have totally lost my identity. But you guys … well, you guys have kept me grounded.

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On a completely (un)related note, today marks the first day of NaBloPoMo March. For those of you that aren’t familiar with what NaBloPoMo is, click here to read more.

The theme for March is Strange(r). So my posts can be about strange (or stranger) tidbits of information or situations or stories. Or it can be about strangers; as in, “Strangers in the night.” Yet again, it’s a vague theme which I’m not necessarily held to writing about. However, seeing that today’s post talked about complete strangers that have become close bloggie friends, and about new strangers that I’ve just met … it looks as if it fits into this month’s theme.

Much more to come in the following month …

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And the Emmy goes to …

Wow! I am totally feeling the bloggie love lately. First, I get a special secret “lollipop” from an anonymous reader. And then I actually get quoted about how much I enjoyed receiving such a lovely suprise.

And now? Well now I just received another wonderful suprise … a bloggie award from Mugsy at Drive Fast. Take Chances. How lucky can I be?!

Seriously though, Mugsy has always been such a wonderful commenter on my blog that I feel so special that she thinks I deserve the “Beautiful Blogger Award.” So thank you sooo much, Mugsy!

But like all wonderful awards, the best part about being recognized is to also recognize those other bloggers that inspire us. So with that, there are instructions that go along with receiving this award:

  • Thank the person who nominated you for this award. (Check.)
  • Copy the award and place it in your blog. (Double check.)
  • Link the person who nominated you for this award. (Triple check.)
  • Tell us 7 interesting things about you.
  • Nominate 7 bloggers
  • Post the links to the 7 bloggers you nominate.

Okay, so seven interesting things about me. Eesh … let’s see:

  1. I have this almost unhealthy obsession with Johnny Depp. It started back in grade school when 21 Jump Street first came out and as followed me through my adult life. What can I say? I have a thing about intellectual bad boys. And thank G*d, my Hubby doesn’t mind!
  2. When I was young, my parents owned one of the earlier versions of a karaoke machine where you could actually record yourself (on a cassette tape, of course) singing to various songs. We had a whole library of songs you could sing to, including Wham!, Duran Duran, and Spandau Ballet. Somewhere in my parents’ basement is a whole 90 minute cassette tape of me singing all those early 80’s Madonna songs.
  3. Other than pets and (questionably) my Hubby & me, I can’t keep other living things alive. Plants, that is. Seriously, the longest plant I ever kept alive was a cactus … and even that’s saying something.
  4. I am not only a “Water Rat” (as the year of my birth dictates in the Chinese Zodiac), but I am a pack rat. I’d like to think it’s a reflection of how sentimental a person I am, and how much I like to hold on to keepsakes. Yeah … I’ll keep telling myself that.
  5. As much as I like to “collect” things (whether it’s shoes or bags or books), I’m a pretty simple gal when it comes to “material things.” I mostly like things for their “utilitarian” purpose rather than their “brand.” Not sure when that started happening though, because I know in my college and post-colleg years I was all about style and name. Maybe the cost of IF was one factor in changing that mindset …
  6. I’ve been an avid reader my entire life; thanks to my Mom, who starting taking Dr. Bro and I to the library as early as 6 and 4 years of age, respectively. I spent every summer up until about 8th grade participating in my hometown library’s Summer Reading Program.
  7. Between my Hubby & I, we own more than enough CDs and to start our own library. And although most of those CDs were bought in those college & post-college years, we still haven’t even uploaded even a fourth of those CDs onto our “digital” library.

So yeah. There’s my seven (not so) interesting things about me. Well, at least *I* don’t think there as interesting as … I don’t know … saying that I’m double-jointed, or something along that line.

And now … this is where I admit that I’ve been a bad bad BAD bloggie friend for … ahem … quite awhile now, actually. I can come up with some lousy excuse, but the truth is that I haven’t had much time to write a blog entry, let alone read and comment on other bloggie friend’s blogs. But seeing that I’m now *consciously* making an effort to write more … this should mean that I should also consciously make the effort to read and comment more, as well.

So this list? These are my tried and true blogs that I’ve loved to read throughout the life of my bloggie existence. A few are bloggers who started out in the same Infertility boat as I was … and in the three years I’ve been blogging, we’ve all diverged in different directions. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t stop enjoying their updates. Anyway … here goes.

  1. Pamela at Blood Signs.  She’s a fellow midwesterner, who shares my love of books and music. Add to the fact that she’s a beautiful writer, well … it can’t get any better than that.
  2. Christina at Apron Strings. Oh yes … anyone that shares the same love of Everything But The Girl with me is gold in my eyes. And given the fact that we also share the same Wedding Anniversary date … well, that just is the icing on the cake!
  3. Kate at The Only Bee In Your Bonnet. I’ve loved following along with Kate’s journey. She’s got a way of writing that has you wanting to know more about her life and her thoughts. And because she’s just as wordy as I am, I can appreciate it all.
  4. Aunt Becky at Mommy Wants Vodka. Yep, Aunt Becky made the list … for no other reason than her writing completely Cracks. Me. Up. There have been many days where I’ve found myself in the dumps and all I needed to do is click over to Aunt Becky and I would find myself smiling. Add to the fact that she has always been there for me, commenting on my blog … well, I couldn’t ask for a better bloggie friend.
  5. Kelly over at Soapchick. I first met stalked Kelly IRL at a Resolve event back in MI and I couldn’t be more grateful for the incredible support and strength she’s provided me in my life these past few years.
  6. Loribeth at The Road Less Travelled. As I fumbled through deciding where my IF journey would eventually take me, Loribeth has been an inspiration for me. With her writing, she’s allowed me to realize that life DOES go on, despite the curve balls that get thrown our way.
  7. Mrs. Spit at Mrs. Spit … Still Spouting Off. There is something … for lack of better words … ethereal about Mrs. Spit’s writings. Just like Aunt Becky has a way of making me laugh, Mrs. Spit has this way of soothing my soul. And in weathering the storms I’ve faced these past few years, she has been that sense of calm I’ve needed .

So there you have it. I’ve now officially passed on my award to others. But not before, once again, thanking Mugsy for such an honor …

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All "Kidding" Aside …

Hubby & I are back in Michigan for the weekend. It’s kinda nice to be back, although I do believe that the weather report exaggerated exactly how much snow that they supposedly got. I mean really … Chicago got a whopping 12.6 inches in 24hrs last week, so I was expecting at least 10-12 inches here as well. But nope; it looks like there was only about 4 inches outside of our house.

It’s funny though, because after experiencing the snow storm in Chicago last week, I realize how much I could actually survive in a city where there is a lot of walking involved. Especially that walk from work to the El station, and the El station to our apartment. Or when needing to take our puppy out for a walk.

Oh trust me, it was tiring walking in a foot of snow, but it’s so different from winter life here in Michigan where the longest walk would be from my car to the front door of my (previous) office building. Or the longest amount of time I’d have to be outside was to shovel the driveway and sidewalk.

Uncle J and the Birthday Girl

Anyway, the reason we are back in town this weekend was to celebrate our friends’ daughter’s 1st birthday. This particular couple has survived the the throes of infertility and have managed to get a totally awesome daughter in the process. A-girl is such a good-natured girl; always smiling and engaging everyone that comes in contact with her. Even in the midst of her birthday party when we could tell she was getting really sleepy, she still would smile and allow others to hold and carry her.

And as A-girl sat in our lap today, both Hubby & I couldn’t help but be amazed with her. We let her play with my iPhone and were quite surprised by how her little chubby fingers could flip through my photo album. Then we let her play Bejeweled 2 for the phone, and were shocked when we saw how successful she was … especially since her dad happens to be the one person‘s score I aim to beat every week on Facebook.

Also at this party was Cutie Girl; the same precocious little girl who always asks us about our dog and our cats. She is so sassy and smart  that I can’t help but be taken in by her incredibly large personality.

Cutie Girl & Me

So, as usual, she spent a whole 45 minutes or so with us, talking about our pets and what we could do to get her “Daddy” to agree to get one for her. I swear, this kid … if she continues to have that fearlessness and confidence about her … could very well be someone important and/or famous in the future. She’s just one of these kids that people just naturally gravitate to!

And yes, I also got to see my beautiful niece Kairi. She is growing so fast now! Except, well … since we didn’t get enough time to spend with just her, she wasn’t exactly in a “playful” mood with her Auntie & Uncle. And that kinda bummed me out.

Part of me thinks that the reason Kairi is like this around me is because she’s just not “used” to us … after all, she only sees us during major family gatherings. But then there’s the other part of me that thinks that the events that unfolded after her birth had a part to play with my relationship with her. It’s like … I don’t know … she unconsciously (or even consciously) knows that there was a major strain between her mom & me immediately following her birth.

Our Beautiful Niece, Kairi

I think there’s this incredible Catholic guilt feeling that feeds that train of thought. It’s the same thought I had during my SIL’s pregnancy with Liam and his consequent passing: that the circumstances surrounding Liam’s short life was a result of my feelings of jealousy over my SIL’s pregnancy. And similar to that, my lack of “connection” with Kairi is a result of the loss of connection with her mom following her birth. Realistically I know that none of it is true, but there are those days … like today …that these thoughts are stronger that usual.

I know I haven’t talked much lately about how my relationship with my SIL has been. It’s partly because I’ve learned from certain “foot in mouth” statements that certain things are best left off of Blog Land. But it’s mostly because things have been rather quiet and low key amongst the two of us. I’d like to think that we’ve reached a silent “truce” of sorts … that we’ve managed to move forward in fixing those severed ties.

I don’t think things will ever be a 100% better between SIL and me; but I do know that I’ve since learned a lot about myself since then. And one of them is knowing that I’m strong enough to move past the anger and hurt and resentment I felt for so long. Sure there will always be times where I might just shake my head at certain activities or actions, but I’m quite sure she probably has those same moments when thinking about me, as well. And I’m really, truly okay with that.

If anything, being in a room full of children under the age of 7 proves that I’m finally at that stage in my IF journey where I can start to let things go and accept things for what they are. And it, quite remarkably, feels good.

Hubby & The Birthday Celebrant
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Common Threads

Not quite the "suprised" look I was looking for in my batch of pics ...

Wow. Oh, wow! I woke up to a great suprise this morning.

Well, okay … technically I was at work where I should have been updating all my staff’s databases for 2010* … but yeah. Instead I was tweaking some stuff on my blog.

Which, by the way. Like the new look? I figured it was time to shake it up a little, as it’s been about two years since I’ve changed my look. (Really, I’d love to do my own little design … but yeah, that would mean the cheapskate in me would have to shell out moolah.)

ANYHOO ... As I was saying, I was on my blog do some admin stuff when I noticed a particular person’s <clears throat> Mel <cough> website URL kept popping up on my “Referrers” section. So imagine my suprise when I found out some WONDERFUL person wrote a little ditty about how much my blog inspires them.

Wow. That just totally blew me away. I feel like I should be standing up behind the magic mike stand (you know, the one that disappears once the person is done speaking?) to thank the entire blogoverse for allowing me to write as freely as I do. And specifically to thank everyone for actually reading my words.

Oh, and did I mention this was all done anonymously ?! So … seriously, *THANK YOU* to whomever wrote such beautiful words about me. You honestly don’t know how much it means to me …

The "Stirrups Queen" herself (with the Tiara) along with me, Io and Aunt Becky (left to right) at BlogHer 2009

Anyway, for those of you that aren’t familiar with Mel from Stirrup Queens … she is one of the ALI (Adoption, Loss and Infertility) community’s biggest chieftans. She is *the* person who has managed to organize the lot of us ALI bloggers under one roof … and she’s typically the one who puts the “shout out” to all of us when one of us in need of good support. That’s why it’s perfect that she used to blog under the name “The Town Criers.”

Okay … so yeah, getting sidetracked here again. But I thought it’s very important for those that may stumble onto my site for a variety of reasons to know where to find a comprehensive list of resources for Adoption, Loss and Infertility.

HOWEVER … I *am* finally getting to the point of this post and how it ties (ba-dum-dum) into February’s NaBloPoMo theme. And it’s this …

One of the reasons I started blogging about my Infertility journey was because I felt extremely alone. I felt that there was no one in my immediate surroundings that would even begin to understand what I was going through. Throw in the fact that I’m Filipino-American, where being a mother is seen as a woman’s main purpose in life and where infertility or loss isn’t ever talked about amongst even the closest of close family members … well, yeah. Let’s just say that, other than my Hubby, I didn’t feel as if I had any support AT ALL.

Visiting Kara in La Jolla, Aug 2008

But as I began to peruse through other IF-er’s blogs, I began to feel less alone … less isolated. And stumbling onto Mel’s blogroll? Well yeah, I totally hit the jackpot.

From there I managed to find a bunch of other bloggers that have since become closer to me in the blogoverse than some of my IRL friends. I’m sure that part of the reason is the vast internet space that separates us; which, in turn, allows us to be more open and honest to each other than those who might even live under the same roof.

So how does this relate back to the whole “Ties” theme for NaBloPoMo? It’s simple.

Sometimes there is one common thread that ties one complete stranger to another one. In my world … specifically my Blog World … it’s my infertility. And now, as I travel down a new path … it’s my decision to live with my husband child-free after infertility.

Again … thank you Miss (or Mister?) Anonymous for such lovely words. Sometimes it’s those little suprises in life that keep propelling me forward … especially in my quest to find the next grand adventure in my life.

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*What can I say? I’m a month behind? And isn’t that the story of my life?!