It’s been a crazy-hectic few weeks since last posting. This new career, though challenging and rewarding, has been pushing me to exhaustion.
As with any major change in life, my level of stress and anxiety has increased accordingly. But what the Type-A Registered Nurse in me needs to remember is that it’s only natural to feel this way. I just need to remember to breathe and channel my inner-Zen.
I’ve had some blog posts in draft-form for quite a while now; including my experiences as a Catholic Infertile dealing with the options of family building. Except I don’t feel that it’s polished enough to be published at the moment.
However, today I wanted to come out of my seclusion to remember my nephew, Liam. He was a fighter for the four months of his life. And even though it’s been more than three years now … there isn’t a day that goes by that he doesn’t somehow enter into my thoughts.
October 15th is recognized as National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Today is a day to remember those who have suffered a miscarriage, an ectopic pregnancy, a still birth, or the loss of an infant.
And today I remember the loss our family felt three years ago.
But today, I also remember all those friends I’ve met over the many years of blogging about my infertility journey. I remember their loss and heartaches as well.
In fact, I remember all of those who have suffered miscarriages and stillbirths on their quest to build their families.
And even though it’s not quite the same … I remember those who have gone through the heartache of a negative pregnancy test, despite knowing that a beautiful embryo (or more than one) was implanted into a warm inviting womb, with the hopes that their “embies” will continue to grow into reality.
I remember the two beautiful “would-be babies” that I welcomed into my womb, but — for some reason — weren’t meant to stick around.
I remember the one beautiful “would-be baby” that Hubby & I reluctantly let go.
So today, I ask that you take a moment to say a little prayer or send some positive karma (or whatever you’d like to provide) for those who have suffered any loss in family building.
And at 7 pm tonite — if you have a spare moment — light a candle to remember those little ones that may not have grown up to be big babies … but grew into our hearts and our souls.
There’s this episode of “How I Met Your Mother” that Hubby & I recently watched. It’s the episode in which Robin meets up with her Canadian High School boyfriend; a boy who broke her teenage heart in his van after playing a gig with his band, The Foreskins**. She confesses to her friends that the minute she set eyes on him, she suddenly felt like she was sixteen again; complete with the excitement and butterflies that a “first love” could only elicit. But not only that, Robin found herself acting exactly like she did at that age.
Marshall, in his wise ways, had developed a term for this type of behavior. He called it “Revertigo” … a phenomenon in which a person reverts back to his or her former self when around certain individuals from their past. In this episode, he uses Lily as an example; having her invite her old high school friend, Michelle, who brings out the “gangsta” in her whenever they’re together. But once separated from one another, they revert back to their normal selves.
Hubby and I could not stop laughing during the entire episode.*** It was something that we both know happens to me when I get together with my Canadian cousins. When we get together I somehow slip back into this version of myself that I can only call “The American Cousin” — all brash and outspoken with a hint of arrogance (not intentional, of course). But not only that … for some strangeinsane reason, I also find myself speaking in a Canadian accent; complete with long O’s (as in “sooorry”) and unconsciously adding “eh?” to the end of all my sentences.
Seriously. We could be in the heart of the continental U.S. and I could suddenly be mistaken for a Canadian!
The thing is, when experiencing “Revertigo,” every fiber of you begins to revert back to that place and time. All the good and the bad. All the excitement of being at the age that you were and all the insecurities you may have experienced at that time.
Proof that I was a GleeK in high school
This Saturday is my 20th High School Reunion. And while I debated for a verrrry long time about whether I’d attend, I finally decided that I would skip out on the festivities. I can say that I did it for a number of reasons. The easiest being that I didn’t feel like shelling out the money to see people I really didn’t know that well twenty years ago. Or that I only wanted to see certain people from my graduating class; ones that I’m not even sure will be in attendance.
I’ll admit that both of those reasons areindeed true; and — in my eyes — valid, as well. But the primary reason is this: I’m just not at the best place that I want to be in my life at this exact moment. I don’t (nor will I likely everhave) the children that I know most of my classmates already have. I don’t have that beautifully maintained home with a well-manicured lawn that my suburban counterparts will also likely have. And I certainly don’t have the job / degree / success in my life that I thought I’d have by this time in my life.
But I was also a HS Hottie (along with future-SIL), too!
And seeing that this past spring and summer were beyond stressful**** I’m feeling just a leeetle insecure with myself.
If the phenomenon known as “Revertigo” is true; then all those insecurities and lack of self-confidence I currently have at this point in my life will be twenty-times magnified … like everything tends to be during those “puberty years.”
Oh, I’m not naive enough to know that my classmates likely feel the same way about themselves in some capacity or another. If anything, I certainly believe that most of us, in our late-thirties, feel like we haven’t accomplished everything that we thought we would have over the last twenty years.
No, really. I simply don’t want to attend for this simple reason: I’m trying to avoid feeling andacting as if I’m in high school again. And seeing that I’ve had a few major curveballs thrown at me over the past six months, I don’t know if I’d have the strength to combat this bout of “Revertigo.”
Class of 1990
One more thing and I’ll go back to being a 38 year old Gen-X slacker … my lack of desire to attend my high school reunion, by no means indicates that I don’t want to see those people I considered close friends during my teenage years.
The way that I look at it is this: If I hadn’t already found you via Facebook (or any other means of communication) … this simply means that you don’t want to be found. And I can respect that need for privacy. And if we were meant to find our way back to one another, then we’ll find each other when the time is right.
To me, friendship is all about every day life; and there shouldn’t be a need to make a big formal deal about it.
** “There were four of us. And we didn’t wear any shirts.” At least that’s how the band name was explained. LOL!
*** Mainly because Robin’s ex-boyfriend was played by James Van der Beek of “Dawson’s Creek” fame.
**** A quick recap:
I got fired from the job I moved to Chicago for; the one that I hoped would help heal me gain some of that self-confidence that Infertility robbed me of.
I found out that Dr. Bro and Dr. SIL have finally made the decision to (successfully) procreate.
I recently started and am currently training for a new job that will take my career in a different direction.
And in the midst of job-hunting, debated on a move backto Detroit only to decide to stayin Chicago (but move to a smaller apartment); much to the chagrin of family members that wanted us to move back “home.”
Oh … and being unemployed certainly didn’t help our financial situation, either.
Oh, Facebook … why do you tease me so? You are a fickle friend who loves to simultaneously bring me closer to family and friends I haven’t seen in ages … and make me feel insanely alone. Especially when seeing “First Day of School” pics or status updates from everyone.
Okay, so I exaggerate a bit. What can I say? I was in the Drama Club in high school.
And truth be told, I love seeing all the cute pictures of the kids; especially as I get to see how much bigger and older they’ve gotten since the last pictures of them were posted.
But yet, there’s the little part of me that feels those tiny daggers stabbing away at my core. The sad thing is … well, I’m not quite sure if my “core” is my barren uterus. Or my heart.
Bit by bit, those daggers are disappearing from my heart … and I’m feeling less envious of those family & friends who have become parents. Rather, I’m beginning to be more accepting of where I am in my life and which path my life is taking me.
What an enormous leap from where I was two years ago, eh?
Anyway, I figured since most people are posting pics of their kids on this first day of school, I should post some of mine. Well, my furbabies anyway!
The first time I ever took a home pregnancy test (HPT) was on the morning of first wedding anniversary. Hubby & I had only recently decided that we were ready to start the next phase in our lives together. Plus, Aunt Flo had been missing for over a week by then, so I figured it was time.
I won’t lie … I also thought that the prospect of presenting positive “pee stick” as an anniversary gift would have made our first wedding anniversary together all that more memorable.
But when the test came back negative, I threw the stick away and climbed back into bed to cuddle with Hubby who was still sound asleep. And yes, I was disappointed … but at that time in our lives, Infertility was just a distant diagnosis, which was … in no way, related to me.
I’ve never told anyone this story before because until today, it wasn’t something that I considered very relevant to my life as an “Infertile.”
Hubby had been privy to this story, because later that day he happened upon the open HPT package in the trash and wondered why I took one. But otherwise, no one else in our lives had a clue that we were even “actively trying” at the time.
It was something that Hubby & I, as a young married couple, wanted to keep to ourselves.
*****
It’s only natural that most couples wish to keep their decisions on family-planning a secret. Okay … maybe not so much a secret, but more of a discussion that happens strictly between the couple.
After all, it really should be no one’s business to know what’s going on in a couple’s sex life. Right?
But what happens when love and marriage don’t automatically lead to the proverbial baby carriage? And what if months — nay, years go by without having anything to show but a garbage full of negative pregnancy test?
What if you had spent thousands of dollars for an infertility diagnosis and work-up? And then turned around and spent even more money on trying to “fix” the medical problems so that you could produce a biological child of your own?
Should a couple still keep their family-building plans and the infertility diagnosis a secret?
What if you and your spouse had to continuously be poked by various needles and prodded by various health professionals, month after month, just to determine when the optimal time was to reproduce? To go home and have a romp in the bedroom (stress-free, of course)? To collect a man specimen in the comfort of a sterile clinic? To have to sit nice and pretty in those G*d-awful stirrups? Only to be disappointed month after month …
Would it still be inappropriate for a couple to talk about how infertility has affected their lives?
What if you or your spouse were done pursuing the medical route of infertility and decided to adopt? What if you spent an additional thousands of dollars in order to be scrutinized by adoption agencies, local and federal government officials? Just so these agencies can determine if you were “worthy” enough to be parents?
What if the Birth Mom/Family decided to change their minds at the last minute? Or what if the country you decided to pursue an international adoption decided to close their doors on all adoptions?
Would now be a good time to talk to loved ones about infertility?
And finally, what if you and your spouse thoughtfully and thoroughly considered all your other options to build your family … and after years of disappointment and heartache, decided that living child-free was your best path in life?
Would it be okay for the couple to comfortably discuss this decision with any random stranger who asks if the couple has any kids?
These are difficult questions to answer. I know; as I’ve had to dissect each individual question with a fine-tooth comb. I’ve had to determine how each answer would affect the rest of my life and my relationships with those I’ve felt close to at one time or another.
The truth is, each person … each couple and/or the family & friends that are affected by this couple’s infertility … will have different answers. That’s because each person’s journey through infertility can be different than the person standing next to him or her. Even if they were sitting next to each other at an Infertility Specialist’s office.
*****
I find it sad that society deems “family-building” discussions as a private issue amongst infertile couples.
Huh?! WTF ...
Okay, let me reword that last statement: I find it disappointing that society deems “family building” discussions as inappropriate when it comes to Infertility.
While I do think that there are certain discussions and decisions that should be left private amongst the infertile couple, I do think that other conversations should be okay to discuss with other people … other family members and friends and other infertile couples.
Because if anything, Infertiles can be the worse when it comes to openly talking about their experiences and emotions when it comes to building their family.
There’s an article in SELF Magazine’s August issue that outlines this exact issue.
This article (aptly titled “This Woman Has A Secret”) found that a recent survey indicates that 61% of infertility patients hide their struggle to get pregnant from friends and family.
And seeing that 1 in 8 American couples experience infertility … well, yeah. That’s a lot of people that aren’t talking about the heady emotions that can be associated with the inability to reproduce.
Along with those questions I previously posed, other common concerns that an infertile couple can experience include the fear that their life will be eternally empty. Or the sense that the couple is damaged or broken.
Both amplify the shame already incurred by the couple; as they likely feel different from being different than other “normally reproducing” family and friends.
Both make the couple more embarrassed to talk about these struggles and associated emotions with their loved ones.
*****
It’s a difficult thing … wanting to talk about a person’s (or couple’s) individual journey through infertility. It’s ten-times more difficult, given the shame that’s associated with infertility.
As the SELF article points out, it gets even more exhausting when an infertile couple:
… become slaves of their monthly cycle; often unable to leave town even for a weekend getaway due to daily monitoring for hormone levels and egg counts. When month after month a couple fails to get pregnant, their lives stall and the question of whether or not their family will expand looms over decisions about the car they buy, the house they live in, the clothes they purchase.
And this, along with many other reasons, is why many infertile couples choose to keep their “family-building” struggles a secret. Why they continue with the facade that “family-building” discussions should remain personal, as society dictates.
*****
After years of keeping my struggle a secret … of burying the emotions I’ve felt for so long … I believe that it is extremely important to talk about these issues. And I think it’s important for an individual to find their own outlet or support systems.
Hubby & I became "shadows" of our former self ...
But first and foremost, I think it’s very important to keep an open communication with your Spouse/SO. Because if there is anyone else who should know what you’re going through, it should be the person who is traveling down the infertility journey with you.
For Hubby & I, it’s a path that we took together, hand-in-hand. We made it a point to talk about each of our concerns openly and honestly (yes, even the scary parts) so that we knew where we both were at emotionally. And if one person was even slightly ahead of the other person, we’d make an effort to “wait” until both of us were both “on board” before making any major decisions. There was no pushing or prodding; there was patience and understanding that both of us dealt with our issues in very unique manners.
If anything … that was my saving grace in our journey together. Hubby was my rock — my torch, so to speak, lighting my way through the darkness. And I hope that he can say the same thing for me as well.
*****
As for other support systems outside of the couple … It’s difficult to find support out there. I know; I’ve tried.
I’ve sought support amongst my loved ones; my friends. But it’s honestly hard for them to completely understand what it’s like, unless they’re walking in your shoes, your path.
But after years (and years) of dealing with Infertility, I’ve finally learned to turn this experience around by educating others about my journey. And I did this by debunking statements (like “just relax”) and myths (like “just adopt and you’ll get pregnant”) whenever they would surface in those inevitable conversations.
This is because I believe that the more an Infertile person openly discusses their experiences, the more that the general population will understand and learn to empathize with the Infertility community.
I hope that this is a lesson that other Infertile couples can learn from my own experience: Talk openly about it now, so that others can be more empathetic to the Infertility path.
*****
I’ve also tried to find support in an Infertility Support Group.
For me, that was not my cup of tea. My experience mimicked how another person in the SELF article so aptly stated, “Everyone gets up and tells their success stories. Infertility treatment isn’t always about success.”
But … that may not be the case for every support group. So please … you should still seek out an Infertility support group before passing any judgment. It just may just be the perfect outlet for you.
*****
Finally, (and only after a major catastrophic life event) I tried some individual counseling. And that planted the seed that allowed me to talk about my Infertility and the emotions that came with those struggles.
My advice for an Infertile person trying to find the right therapist? Talk to your Infertility Specialist and ask for a recommendation. If you’re not currently seeing a specialist; call one in your area and ask. Chances are, the Front Desk staff or the RN in the office will be more than willing to give you a recommendation. If not, check out RESOLVE’s website for a list of professionals in the area.
*****
Again, huh?!
There’s one more outlet for support that I want to point out. And this outlet, I must say, has been the most therapeutic for me.
After much encouragement from my therapist, I sought out support from online communities. I started out by reading message boards and eventually sought out personal blogs. From there, I stumbled onto Mel’s list and found an entire blogosphere of people that I suddenly felt I could relate to.
Suddenly I wanted to share my story. I wanted others to know what *I* had gone through in my journey. And, because there wasn’t enough representation from the Asian-American/Filipino-American community, I wanted to let those Infertile individuals/couples know that they weren’t alone.
And, as the Asian-American culture typically simultaneously praises Motherhood and yet frowns upon discussions leading up to Motherhood, *I* wanted to have an outlet for where I can point other family members and friends to read when the inevitable, “What? You don’t want kids?” questions came up.
The support I’ve received from the three years I’ve now been writing on this blog have been overwhelming. Not only have I met the most incredible people who get me (and understand my wacky sense of humor), but I’ve found support in old friends and family that I might never have found any other way.
So yes … if anything, I encourage writing a blog as an outlet for your Infertility issues. I encourage you to write about your struggles, your emotions … your biggest fears and worst nightmares and post it for the world to see. I encourage you to be honest, as well.
But most importantly, I encourage advertising it to your friends and family. Because we all know that keeping secrets from your loved ones (whether big or small) can ultimately be frustrating and tiring for all involved.
So why not let the secret out?
*****
I write this to let other Infertile couples know that they do not have to suffer through these struggles alone.
I write this to encourage other Infertiles to talk about their experiences to others.
And I write this to ensure that those now-parents – those who suffered through Infertility on their way to parenthood – continue to share their struggles of Infertility … regardless of how busy their lives may be, now that they have children.**
I write this to make sure that Infertility no longer remains a secret.
** This was the only beef I had about the SELF article. For all that it said about the importance of “letting the secret out,” the last sentence in the article is what soured me the most:
Working behind the scenes [of supporting the Infertility community] is one option, but [Lisa] says, ‘I’m sure my volunteer efforts will be for schools or parks. Once I have twins, I’ll have a lot less free time.”
Anybody that knows me or has followed me knows that Emily loves her Facebook.
It’s a great way for me to keep in touch with those family and friends that live elsewhere in the world and it’s a great way to remain informed with everyone’s daily life.
I’ve also discovered that it’s a great way to disseminate information readily to those interested masses.
While I primarily use this blog to write about my life and all the surprising twists and turns that life has provided for me, I’ve started to use Facebook to provide other useful information regarding all aspects of infertility.
As most infertiles know, it’s often difficult to discuss the heartache and pain of infertility aloud to others; even to those that you may be extremely close to. That’s because infertility has historically been a taboo subject.
Which brings me to the reason I started my Facebook Page.
My belief is that the more a person is informed about infertility, the more comfortable that this person will be about talking and educating others about infertility.
My Facebook Page has been a way for me to post valuable information and other interesting blog posts about infertility in the hopes that everyone remains informed.
Please … if you’re on Facebook (and even if you’re not), I’d love you to come visit my page. And I encourage you to start discussions.
I remember the two beautiful “would-be babies” that I welcomed into my womb, but — for some reason — weren’t meant to stick around.
There’s this 
Hubby and I could not stop laughing during the entire episode.*** It was something that we both know happens to me when I get together with my Canadian cousins. When we get together I somehow slip back into this version of myself that I can only call “The American Cousin” — all brash and outspoken with a hint of arrogance (not intentional, of course). But not only that … for some strange insane reason, I also find myself speaking in a Canadian accent; complete with long O’s (as in “sooorry”) and unconsciously adding “eh?” to the end of all my sentences. 
I’ve never told anyone this story before because until today, it wasn’t something that I considered very relevant to my life as an “Infertile.”
