Category: Family

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Needle Nut

I have been a little busy lately. Probably a good thing, as I do need to keep myself busy otherwise I will start to overanalyze things like I typically do. And then, well … that just gets me in trouble. (I swear, there is something to be said about thinking “too much.”) However, this time around, I’m keeping myself busy is for a good cause.

My Newest “Nephew” Jakobi

Last year, a co-worker and I read an article in our work newsletter that talked about a couple of other employees in another one of our offices who knitted and crocheted quite a few baby hats and donated them to a local hospital’s Neonatal and Special Care Nursery units. Since the two of us knit, we thought that the following year we would try and do the same thing.

And over the course of the year, we did forget about it. It wasn’t until the most recent events concerning my nephew, Liam, that I once again remembered our plan. Since we had quite a few knitters and crocheters in our office, we decided to include them in our plans as well. We also thought that instead of limiting our project to premie and newborn hats, we would extend it to chemo caps for those kids in the Pediatric Oncology floors.

Since presenting this idea to our other co-workers a few weeks ago, we have received an overwhelmingly warm response. We had such a great response that we’ve even designated our lunch time on Mondays to work on our projects and to get tips or exchange patterns for different designs. (We’re a pretty big group in our cafeteria that our group has been given the nickname “Needle Nuts.”) And as of this past week, we have well over 20 knitted or crocheted premie hats and chemo caps in a variety of different colors and styles. It’s been like Christmas for me every day, as there is always a new item added to the box next to my desk.

“The Therapeutic Blanket Project”

Doing this project has become therapeutic for me… especially given the fact that I’m actually knitting hats for babies that won’t ever be my own. I always thought it was ironic that I was a knitter. After all, there’s a common misnomer that knitters were either grandmothers or mothers who would knit things for babies or young children. And here I was, the childless wonder.

I started knitting a few years ago simply as a diversion. And when I found out that my SIL was pregnant, I knew that I was going to knit a blanket and hat & booties for this child, even though I knew it would just about kill me. But I finished that project (unofficially known as the “therapeutic blanket project”), and I felt really good about doing it too. (It’s just too bad that Liam never got to use them.) After that, I went on to knit a newborn hat this summer for my cousin in Calgary who was due in September.

And now … I’m heading up our holiday needle craft project at work. To be doing that is a big step for me. For so long I felt so down on myself (and there are still quite a few days that I do) and quite honestly, clinically depressed. Every literature I ever read about trying to snap out of depression was to do something for others; the theory being that if you helped others less fortunate, you wouldn’t feel so down on yourself. And it’s a really good theory. However, try telling that to someone who could barely take care of herself, let alone help someone else out. Nearly next to impossible, I tell you.

But now that I have a little more energy, I do feel that I am able to help others out a little more. And that’s a good thing … for this Needle Nut.


The Box of Hats Thus Far
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Faith and Longing

I didn’t know this, but October is National Pregnancy and Infancy Loss Month. My Mom, a devout Catholic, told me this information last week after reading her church bulletin. Apparently, the Cathedral of the Most Blessed Sacrament (which is also the Archdiocese of Detroit’s “home parish”) was holding it’s annual mass for those couples who have lost their baby or for those couples who were trying to achieve pregnancy. She had called me thinking that my sister-in-law (SIL), Janet, and I might be interested in attending the mass. I told her that I would talk to Janet and then call her back the next day if we decide to go.

Right away, I knew my decision was going to be based on whether my SIL wanted to go. It’s not that I don’t have any spiritual faith or that I don’t believe in a higher power. It’s more because the past 10 years of infertility have caused a “rift” between God and myself.

Let’s start with a little background. As I mentioned before, my mother is a strong believer in her Catholic faith. Growing up in our household, God was always present in our daily lives and activities. The weekends revolved around when we were going to mass. We would spend summers volunteering to do “Meals on Wheels” through our Church and any Catholic holiday helping out with preparations for our Church. Every night, we would read a chapter from the Bible. And because religion was very important to my parents, I attended Catholic school up through high school. I consider myself truly lucky that my parents invested their time and their money in bringing me up with such a strong faith background. And I truly admire my Mom for all that she continues to do on a daily basis for her faith.

And there’s me. After twelve years of Catholic school and the freedom of going away to college … well, of course I detoured and explored life without organized religion. It’s not that I stopped believing in my faith or stopped practicing the basic morals of what I was taught growing up. Rather, I stopped going to mass weekly and only went when it was absolutely necessary. I also stopped my habit of saying my nightly prayers. Let’s face it, college life (and even post-college life) was just more interesting and religion was put on the back burner.

However, even back then I always knew that I would return to my faith. The one thing that Hubby (who is also Catholic) and I always said was that when it came to raising our children, we wanted to provide them with the same faith and morals that we were taught growing up. And when that time came, we both knew we would whole-heartedly return to our faith.

So imagine what has gone through my mind these past ten years as pregnancy never came. Now most people would have turned closer to their faith. And at first I did. I returned to my nightly prayers and attempted to go to mass weekly. My prayers for a family initially started out as “Please God, I ask that you provide me with the family I’ve always wanted.” As the years went on, it became “God, I know I’m a good person but I don’t understand why you’re testing my faith. Why can’t I get pregnant?” Eventually, I just became very angry at God. Why would He do this to me? Why does He allow other people to become parents when they don’t deserve to be? If God has a reason for doing things (as everyone has a way of telling me over and over AND OVER again), what “reason” did He have for making me feel so sad and miserable and GUILTY for feeling the way I do?

So when the opportunity to go to this mass came along, I wasn’t jumping at the bit. However, I knew that this would be a good thing for my SIL, especially since her loss is so recent. After a bit of discussion, we decided to meet up for breakfast on Sunday and head down to the Cathedral, sans husbands (my hubby had to work and hers is not of the same faith).

Overall, I am truly glad that we went. My SIL had the opportunity to place Liam’s name in the Book of Innocence, in which prayers will be said for these babies’ souls. A prayer was said to all those parents who lost their infant and each family was given a rose and a rosary blessed by Cardinal Maida. A prayer was also said for all the couples wishing to become pregnant or adopt a child. We were individually prayed over by the bishop with an actual relic of St. Gerard and given his medallion to continue to pray to him so that St. Gerard would “intercede” to God on our behalf. It was pretty emotional being up there and being surrounded by the beauty and strength of the Cathedral. And I do admit, I certainly did feel God’s presence that day.

However, there was one thing that truly bugged me. This mass was sponsored by the archdiocese’s Natural Family Planning program. Which makes sense, given the nature of what this Mass was about. What had bothered me was the handout they provided on all their methods for Natural Family Planning. Not that I have anything against it, but obviously I wasn’t able to get pregnant using that method. At the very bottom of their handout, it made mention about the Catholic stance on infertility procedures. The basic gist of what they said was that certain infertility procedures are appropriate; however, those procedures that involve a third person in the creation of a child is morally unacceptable.

So wow. My first response on that? Holy Mary, Mother of God … I sinned. And I sinned REALLY badly. And apparently that’s the reason why my IVF cycle failed. So guilt was my first reaction. The second one was that of anger. Why the bloody hell is it considered immoral? I tried everything under the sun to try to procreate naturally and it didn’t happen. So are they telling me then that if pregnancy didn’t happen “naturally” then it’s God’s will that I remain childless? And yet … (here it comes again) there are people out there who don’t deserve to have children?

Okay, so logically I know my first reaction was irrational. And the second one is indeed justified. But it’s that type of thing that leaves me feeling disappointed in my faith.

Despite all that, I do admit that I’ve been trying to work on returning to my faith. As of recently, I have started meeting with a Stephen Minister through a local Catholic Church who just sits and talks with me about all this anger and guilt that I feel, especially about my infertility and my fears about the adoption process. Perhaps one day, whether I continue to pursue having a family or not, I will fully, without any reservations, return to my faith.

Hmm … I wonder if the Catholic Church knows that the week of November 4-10 is National Infertility Awareness Week. And I wonder if they’ll have any events that commemorates that week?

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What Happens in Vegas ….

So Hubby & I are back from Las Vegas. We’re not any richer, yet we’re not any poorer either. Truth be told, with all the slots and video poker we played, we came out about $5 in the black. Maybe next trip, we’ll have enough nerve to actually play the tables … although I’m not sure I like the idea of placing a minimum bet (the lowest table being $5) just for one hand of play. Sheez … I have a hard enough time playing any of the slots or video poker games that cost more than $1. Am I abnormal for getting more gratification in spending my money on midway games at places such as Dave and Busters?

Las Vegas is definitely an interesting town. From the moment you touch down at McCarren Airport, it’s sensory overload. Walking the Las Vegas Strip is like walking Times Squares in NYC ten times over. There is just so much activity every second of the day, it’s hard to keep track of what’s going on. Each hotel has such a unique “theme” to it, that it’s almost like walking into a different country (Paris vs. Venetian vs. New York New York) or a different time period (Luxor vs. Excalibur vs. Treasure Island) or into extreme luxury (Bellagio vs. the new Wynn).

There’s also such extreme contrasts in Vegas. I mean, where else can you find a Hooter’s Casino in direct view of the Shrine of the Most Holy Redeemer Catholic Church? (Yes, since we stayed at my parents’ timeshare with them, we felt it important to go to mass with them.) Or where else can you see you can see people dressed to the nines heading to a show walking down the street next to one of those famous Vegas “escorts”?

And speaking of those “escorts,” Hubby & I came up with a new game while in Vegas. It’s inspired by the nights we walked the Strip doing some very important people watching. What we discovered was during the day, it was quite easy to pick out the “streetwalkers” by the clothing they wore. However as the night rolled it, it became more and more difficult to differentiate them from those that were dressed up to go out to the club. And thus, “Streetwalker vs. Night Clubber, The Game” was born. Trust me. If you ever go to Vegas, it will surely be a great way to pass the night away while waiting to meet up with the rest of your party who are still in the casino gambling (read: Dad).

So ultimately, what did we do in Vegas? Well, after arriving into town around 10:30 pm after quite a “spirited” flight (hey, it must have been Thursday night “Bar Night” on our plane), we went to find a place to eat at the Miracle Mile shops inside the new Planet Hollywood Hotel. And yes … yet again we spotted another Todai, but it’s too bad it was closed by that time. Friday was spent touring the south end of the Strip. We started off at Mandalay Bay to check out the Shark Reef exhibit (a must for any Discovery Shark Week fans), took the tram to Exaliber and walked through New York New York. Eventually we ended up at M&M World where I got suckered into buying a $10 M&M container full of different colored M&M’s. (What the heck, I only live once, right?)

Friday night, my parents treated us to a late anniversary gift by taking us to see “Love” at the Mirage, which is The Beatles-inspired Cirque du Soleil production. This show is a MUST for any Beatles fan out there. Definitely very cool. And according to my Mom and Aunt, this show was muuuch better than the Celine Dion performance they saw the night before at Caesar’s Palace. (Hmmm … personally, I’d chose The Beatles over Celine any day.) The show was probably the highlight of our entire trip.

Saturday, Hubby & I spent the day walking the north end of the Strip and doing some shopping along the way. But first, we had to start our day by stopping in “Paris” where we had to return (after a 6-year wait) to “La Creperie” to have the best crepes we’ve ever had. While heading past Caesar’s Palace, we stumbled onto a Buddhist shrine which seemed oddly out of place in the midst of all the glitz and glamour of the Strip. (OK, so the geek in me had to find out more about this. So if you’re interested, click here for a bit of history.) Then we headed to the Shops at the Forum, then to the Fashion Show Mall and eventually ended up at the Wynn Hotel. By that time, we were beat tired and ended up taking a taxi back to the condo.

We ended taking the bus to meet my parents at mass; which was a trip in itself. Just imagine us running across Las Vegas Blvd trying to make it to the 4 o’clock mass after we missed the stop we should have gotten off at. Yep. It was like playing Frogger. And once we got there (just as the mass was starting), trying to find my parents proved to be more difficult than we thought. I mean, come on! How many white-haired portly Filipinos married to a caramel-colored hair Filipina with freckles could there be in Vegas?! We never did find them until halfway through the mass.

Afterwards, all of us (including my Aunt and her significant other, Bob) took the bus down to Fremont Street to have dinner together for the last night of our trip and to check out the “original” strip. You know the one. Just imagine the U2 video for “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For”. Now imagine the street filled with Harley Davison bikers roaming up and down the strip. Yes, it just happened to be the annual Las Vegas BikeFest, so there were quite a few interesting characters roaming the strip. Hubby & I headed back towards the main strip shortly after dinner where we checked out the Venetian, got myself a margarita at Jimmy Buffet’s Margaritaville, and then gambled at Planet Hollywood until well past midnight.

The next morning, we got our sorry butts up and dragged ourselves to the airport. The frickin’ security line was unbelievably long. In my opinion, an airport that sees millions of people needs to find a more time-efficient way to get all the passengers through security screening. The one exciting thing that happened in line? Me spotting Barry Manilow being escorted AROUND security. Hmm … it obviously pays to be a celebrity.

Overall, it was a fun trip. And thanks to Mom & Dad, it was honestly a great way to unwind from such a long stressful few weeks. And, by the length of this blog … what happened in Vegas, obviously did NOT stay in Vegas. Oh well, c’est la vie!

Check out more pictures of our Vegas trip by clicking the album!

Las Vegas 2007
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Remembering Our Angel, Liam

The following was read yesterday at my nephew Liam‘s funeral service. Thank you for everyone that came to visit with our family. And thank you for all the emails and phone calls to show your love and support. Your words and hugs mean more than you’ll ever know.

Hello and on behalf of D and J, Tyler, and the rest of our family, I would like to sincerely thank each and every one of you for being here tonight.

The loss of a loved one is always a difficult thing to understand. The loss of an infant, a son … a grandson … a nephew is just about incomprehensible. This evening, we are here to try to make sense of such a thing.

When J asked me to say a few words tonight, I admit I was a little hesitant. However, I knew right away in my heart that this was something I had to do; not only for her and D, but for myself as well.

Liam was born on May 19th, 2007. He was born prematurely at 31 weeks and weighed 5lbs and 14oz. But despite the unexpected early arrival, Liam came out ready to live life. In fact, I told Janet that Liam was the perfect name for him. It was a strong Irish name, a fighting name. And that’s what Liam was … a fighter from day one.

Liam born with some imperfections such as a cleft lip and omphalocele, a birth defect in which a portion of the abdominal organs formed outside of the stomach. Nevertheless, to me (and to his mom and dad) he was the most beautiful baby in the NICU. Liam had the first of many procedures, only four days after his birth, to correct the omphalocele. It was one of the biggest that the hospital had ever seen and surgery was a success. He would return to the NICU and unknowingly be loved by all he touched. In fact, I remember one of the male respiratory therapists telling us that Liam was “the miracle baby,” as no one could believe how well he did during and after surgery.

Although he was making small gains here and there, Liam still was having difficulty breathing on his own. Every time they would wean him off the respirator, he would eventually need to be put back on it. After three months of this, J and D made the tough decision to have surgery to place a tracheostomy in the hopes that Liam would eventually grow out of it and be able to breathe on his own. It was to be the procedure that would eventually allow Liam to go home.

For a while afterwards, Liam was doing really well. We were all excited that he was becoming more and more active. He was able to sit up in a bouncy chair. He even started to take his feedings by bottle. On the days I would visit, I would even observe him “flirting” with the nurses and therapists.

And finally after three months of impatiently waiting, I was actually able to hold my nephew for the very first time.

Although I knew I loved him from the day he was born, the moment Liam looked up at me while in my arms with those beautiful brown eyes, I absolutely fell head-over-heels in love with Liam. Just by holding Liam, I could feel the strength that he had within him. I wanted so badly to bottle up this strength and use it for myself.

How could I not fall in love with him? How could anyone who ever came in contact with Liam not fall in love with him? The times I’ve been to the NICU, it was obvious that Liam was quite a popular baby. I jokingly told J and D that even at such a young age, Liam was quite the “Ladies Man.” All the nurses and therapists that I came in contact with just absolutely fawned and fussed over him. They would tell stories of how Liam was such a curious baby, staring at any activity or at any one who was around him with those big bright eyes. He was absolutely well loved and well taken care of by his nurses and therapists and doctors in the NICU.

Sadly, in the end Liam’s little body couldn’t withstand all the curveballs that was thrown his way. As I saw him in his crib this past Thursday, it was pretty visible that he was declining. His color was much paler than usual and he was definitely less active than I was used to seeing him. But despite that, I could still see him fighting to stay with us. His heart continued to beat strongly and his oxygen levels continued to fool us until he took his very last breath.

“Why?,” J asked me many times that day. “Why now? Why after all this time?” That is the incomprehensible thing that we are all still trying to understand.

Now I can’t answer this question for everyone. However, tonight I will give you my answer to that question:

God gave us Liam for this short period of time for a reason. He sent Liam here for four months so we could get to know him and love him. So we could experience his love and witness his excitement for life. But most of all, Liam was sent here to teach us strength… specifically the strength to go on despite adversity.

Tonight and tomorrow … and even during any milestone in life, we will all mourn the loss of Liam and what his life could have been. However, I do think that we should all take comfort knowing that, despite his short life, Liam lived life to the fullest and with all the strength that he had. And we should follow Liam’s lead and do the same.

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Our Angel, Liam

Today is a very sad day. My nephew Liam took a most unexpectedly early journey to heaven. He was born at 31 weeks and fought for every moment of his four months and 1 day of life. I used to joke around with my sister-in-law and her husband that Liam was the perfect name for him … a very Irish name, a “fighter’s” name. And that’s exactly what he was. He was also a “lady’s man,” touching every single woman that walked into his room. All his nurses and therapists fell in love with him and his big brown eyes. And while we know that Liam is in a much better place, we still can’t help but miss him something fierce.

Thank you, Liam for giving us the opportunity to know you and love you. We know you will always be our angel looking out for us.

To see more pictures of Liam, click on the album below:

Liam