Family – Page 26 – Apron Strings for Emily

21 August 200813 June 2011

Penance Purls

In the years since my failed IVF attempt and the end of pursuing further infertility treatment, I learned to knit. A good friend of mine, who also happens to be a co-worker, taught me the basics of knitting during our lunch hours. And as I learned to knit, I found that it was a great way to distract me from the emptiness of infertility. Knitting gave me a purpose; it gave me something to work towards. Each knit and purl stitch I made got me closer to completing a project. And once finished, I felt as if I’ve put every effort I could into crafting something unique. I felt as if I’ve given birth, so to speak, to the sweater or hat or purse that I’ve made.

In the knit / crochet world, there is such a thing called a prayer shawl. The idea behind crafting this type of shawl is to give it to someone in need of prayer. Someone perhaps, who is going through a difficult time in life in which prayers are needed. That is because with every stitch that is knitted or purled (or crocheted), the person creating this artwork is literally saying a prayer for the receiver of such a gift.

The best way I can describe it (in my Catholic-school upbringing) is that it’s much like saying the rosary, but at the end of the prayers, you actually have something to show for all that you’ve done. And the best part of it is that you have the opportunity to give such a gift to the person you’ve made it for, knowing that you’ve sent good vibes / well-wishes (or whatever word you’d like to replace “prayer” with) to a person who is in most need of such sentiments.

I, myself, have never made such a shawl. Instead, I’ve made other thing like chemo caps for kids or premie hats for the babies in the NICU. What started out as a hobby for many of us at work, soon turned into a project last Christmas to make as many knitted or crocheted caps and hats for the children at a local hospital. For me, it was a way of honoring my nephew, Liam, who spent his whole 4 months of life in that particular hospital’s NICU.

When my SIL announced she was pregnant with Liam, the bottom dropped out beneath me. By then, I had spent ten years trying to get pregnant and had one (and only one) failed IVF attempt behind me. It had been two and a half years, at that time, since Hubby & I stopped actively trying. And as a first (or second, I can never get it right) generation Catholic Filipino-American girl, I worked very hard at stifling the sadness, hurt and anger so that I could save face. But the thought that my SIL (who, by the way, is the same age as I am) was able to get pregnant within five months of getting married completely and utterly devastated me. And when my SIL found out at 24 weeks that Liam would most likely be born with some congenital imperfections, well … I guess you could say that I felt guilty (darn Catholic in me!), as if my jealousy and thoughts of ill-will were the reason behind such a difficult pregnancy.

So what does all this have to do with knitting and the “prayer shawl” (besides the obvious reason for making caps and hats for the babies and kids in the hospital)? Well, during my SIL’s 2nd trimester with Liam, I knew that I had to come to terms with this pregnancy. While I knew my feelings of longing for my own pregnancy would never be fully resolved before Liam’s birth, I still felt as if I needed to do something to make sure that Liam (and subsequently, my SIL) knew that I would love him with every fiber of my being … despite the sadness I felt for myself.

And thus, the “Therapeutic Baby Blanket” project began. Much like the prayer shawl concept, I crafted this blanket with an image of Liam in my mind. With every knit stitch I made, I wished love and happiness for every single day of his life. And with every purl stitch I made, I wished for forgiveness from both Liam and his mom for any ill-will I ever thought. I put my heart and soul into this blanket and its matching hat and booties. And because Liam came much earlier (by 9 weeks) than expected, I can remember rushing to finish this massive blanket in time for the baby shower (the sucker measured 4 ft x 4 ft!) , which subsequently turned into a “Welcome Liam” party instead. What makes me a little heartbroken is that Liam was never able to come home from the hospital and actually use the blanket. Regardless though … I have to say that doing that blanket was simultaneously the hardest and simplest knit project I have ever done.

Now … in a little more than one week’s time, my SIL is scheduled to deliver (by c-section) a baby girl. For reasons that are hers and her husband’s alone, the two of them decided to start trying immediately after Liam passed away last September. By end of December, she was once again pregnant. And while their new still devastated me (I mean, really … how can she get to be pregnant twice in one year and I can’t even get a frackin’ positive pregnancy test?!), this time my feet managed to stay firmly planted on solid ground.

I can’t say that I handled this pregnancy any better or worse that I did with my SIL’s pregnancy with Liam. There are days where I still feel incredibly weary and downtrodden. And yes, there are days where I frankly don’t think things are fair. However, I do know that I’m not as heartbroken and devastated as I was the first time around. I’d like to think that knitting Liam’s baby blanket had a part in reeling back some of those emotions.

It was only natural for me to want to knit something for this pregnancy as well. Because yes, the good (?!) Catholic girl in me still felt horrible about feeling sorry for myself. And, at times, succumbing to jealousy. So with yarn purchased from both here in Ann Arbor and in San Diego, I started to knit my next project while on vacation in California.

I’ve poured my heart and soul into this project, officially known as the “Therapeutic Baby Sweater.” And just like the blanket, I’ve projected my love and happiness with each knit stitch. And with every purl stitch … well, it’s as if I’m trying to make amends for every bit of sorrow and jealousy I’ve felt in these past 9 months. A penance, if you will, for the sins I’ve committed.

My only hope is that whenever my SIL dresses her baby girl in this sweater that she knows, despite my actions (or lack thereof), that I love her baby girl with all my heart. That I am truly and honestly happy for her. And that despite the hardships endured over the past 18 months, she truly deserves this happiness.

07 August 200813 June 2011

Emily Talks in Third Person

Emily realizes that, for the past couple posts, she’s titled them in 3rd person. Emily thought it might be funny to do a 3rd title in 3rd person … just because.

But Emily also realizes she’s promised to post pictures from her latest trips. Unfortunately, Emily’s been known to be “trigger happy,” so Emily has TONS of shots. So Emily has put them all on a few P.ica.ssa photo albums. Click on the album you’d like to see …

Emily hopes you enjoy the pictures …

Banff / Calgary Vacation

San Diego Comicon 2008

San Diego, 2008

03 August 200813 June 2011

Emily the Groupie is Dead

Alright kiddies … this is gonna be one of those posts where we go back in time. Where we peer into the past to discover a little more of my younger years.

And why, may you ask, did I decide to to this today? Well because today marks twenty-two years since the beginning of my obsession with all things INXS.

So sit tight … and prepare to laugh your a$$es off …

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Picture this, I was all of 14 years old about to start my first year in high school. My cousin in London, Ontario called up and said, “Hey Em. Are you and your brother interested in seeing INXS over here?” Of course, I jumped at the chance … what teenage girl wouldn’t?

My cousin and I have been known to share such similar tastes in music ever since a road trip to Florida when we sang the soundtrack to “Grea.se” pretty much all the way down. And with the advent of MTV and MuchMusic (Canada’s MTV) in the early 80’s, we were exposed to so much more diverse music. D.uran D.uran was one of our first “loves” of many to come over the next decade.

Anyway, INXS was another one of those bands that I began to really like … first because of their interesting videos, and then because of their music. I can remember being 11 years old and fascinated by watching “The One Thing” video … you know, the one where they completely gorge themselves with this massive table of food? And I just remember really liking the catchy beat of “Don’t Change“.

But I never thought more about them, other than really liking their music until that one fateful night on the 2nd of August, 1986. The year INXS was on tour for their “Listen Like Thieves” album.

At 17 and 14 respectively, my cousin and I had this need to somehow be in the front row for this concert. And since the tickets were general admission, we found ourselves sitting outside of the auditorium well before the doors would open. Our patience was justly rewarded as we managed to plant ourselves at front and center. What I can recall of that concert was just how incredibly raw and powerful their performance was. Even at 14 years old, I can remember thinking that I was witnessing an amazing band. Of course, it didn’t help that my raging hormones couldn’t keep my eyes of Michael Hutchence. Yeah … back then, I had a thing for men with long hair and cool shoes …

After the concert, we thought of nothing but grabbing some food and getting back to my cousin’s house, where we could just hang out with some of her friends. So we drove by the T.im Ho.rton’s close her house, which just happened to be by one of the hotels close to the freeway. When we pulled around back, we happened to catch a glimpse of a purple tour bus. And earlier in the day, while waiting outside of the auditorium, we happened to see a purple tour bus. “Nah …,” we all thought. “What are the chances?”

“What the hell,” we all thought. “Let’s just see if maybe they’re hanging out close by.” So imagine our surprise when we happened upon a very drunk Tim Farriss. But despite being completey sh*t-faced, he was a really great person. He was gracious enough to sign some autographs and pose for some pictures. And because he was so wasted, I’m sure he didn’t mean to tell us that they were going to be checking out tomorrow morning. 🙂

So after staying up all night (fueled by T.im Ho.rton’s coffee, of course), we came back the next morning. We did end up waiting quite a while in the car, but eventually (probably around 9:30 or so), one by one, the band started to surface.

And honestly, since it’s been more than twenty years, I can’t remember all of the details of our chance meeting. (Although I’m sure I could probably dig it up from some of the old letters that my cousin and I wrote to each other.) I do remember that they were all incredibly nice and friendly. And probably pretty hungover, too. (Or maybe they just had cologne that smelled like bourbon? 😛 )

INXS, circa 1988, at the height of "Kick"

One memory I will always hold close to my heart is when Michael Hutchence found out that we (my two cousins, my brother and I) were all related. “No way, really?,” he asked us. And then he spontaneously broke out into song with S.ister Sled.ge’s “We Are Family.” And now every time I hear that song, I can’t help but smile and think of that day.

And thus started my love affair with INXS. No, I did not follow them from city to city. Besides, back then I was (still?) a good Catholic Filipino-American gal. I did, however, religiously watch MTV trying to videotape any and every video / interview / performance I could manage to get. I never did join the fan club at that time, but somehow between my cousin and I, we would know exactly where the band was and what they were up to.

Because of that, I consider myself very lucky to have caught INXS on tour back in September of 1987. This was only the second date of the US tour that the band did prior to the release of “Kick“. It was one of those tours where the band would “practice” their new songs off their latest album to test it in front of an audience. And because the album was not yet released, there were very few new songs that any of us knew. But yet, I can remember being completely enthralled with it. Because, looking back now, I can remember thinking, “Wow. What a culmination of all their styles” … Yes, the music geek in me thought that these songs combined the R&B / Soul of their “Shabooh Shoobah” album with the “’80’s New Wave Alternative” album of “The Swing” and the ultimate “Rock ‘n Roll” of their “Listen Like Thieves” and album. In.Cred.Ible. And may I remind you, once again, that this was even before the “Kick” album was even released?! (I must have been a “special” 15 year old back then … yeah, special like “Ed.”)

Flash forward to college. By 1990, I had seen INXS a total of five times. (One instance back in 1988 had my mother helping my cousin and I “stalk” the band while they were back in Michigan. By then, they were incredibly huge and there was no way we thought we would find them. But alas, my Mom found them at a larger hotel where we were able to meet Kirk, the guitarist / sax player, in the lounge. Again, what another fun experience.) The album “X” was released that summer and I was working at a local record store (yeah, how ’80’s “Prett.y In Pi.nk” could I be?!). While those songs, especially “Disappear“, served as awesome drinking songs during dorm room parties, I just didn’t have the inclination to go see them when they came around in concert. First of all, they were huge. And second of all … They. Were. Huge. How fun is it to go see them in concert when all I’d be able to see is a “leeetle” tiny spec of them from the nosebleeds seats? (Hey, I was in college then. I couldn’t afford to buy the more expensive main floor jumbo-arena tickets!) So I passed.

And then the last time I ever saw Michael Hutchence in person. It was 1994, the “Get Out of the House” tour. This was a tour to promote their latest album at the time, “Welcome to Wherever You Are“. This was the type of tour where INXS wanted to return to the small bars and clubs of their earlier years. This was one concert I felt that I could not miss … where else would I have the opportunity to see them up close and personal?

By then, I was already in Nursing school and was dating future Hubby. I admit, I was a little concerned about taking future-Hubby to this concert. It would mean that I would have to “introduce” future-Hubby to the “other” love of my life. BUT seeing as future-Hubby stood in line all night long (while I worked the midnight shift at the local hospital as a Nurse Assistant) at the venue where the band would be playing … the only location that tickets would be sold available … I couldn’t not take him. How cruel would I have been?

But even Hubby couldn’t discount how incredible it was to see them at such a small venue. The fact that we happened to make it to the front of the stage just made it more spectacular. Also was the fact that we didn’t get completely crushed up against the stage. Future-Hubby managed to make his way out of the crowd, while I wanted to bask in all of INXS (well, who am I kidding … Michael Hutchence’s) glory. And when a nice guy ended up shielding me from the pressing crowd and at the end of the concert gave me a guitar pick that he managed to catch … well, I don’t think that made future-Hubby very happy at that time. Today though, it happens to be a running joke about the one time I picked up some stranger at the INXS concert. And how he had the nerve to leave me to be crushed by the crowd. Good thing we can joke about those things!

And then came that fateful day on November 22, 1997. Yes, I remember that day clearly; the day that Michael Hutchence died. It started out with an early morning call from my cousin, of all people. The one and the same person who took me to that fateful concert 11 years prior. Both her and I were in complete shock. That summer, Hubby & I had plans to go see INXS again at a music festival put on by the local radio station. At the last minute, we decided not to go … me thinking that I had already seen them so many times and that we’d have more opportunities to see them again in the future. How wrong I was. And for years I mourned what I considered “the end” of an incredible band.

Flash forward again to 2005. Earlier in 2004, I had heard rumors about INXS working with Ma.rk Bu.rnett on a reality show to find the band a new lead singer. “Wrong,” I remember thinking at the time. “Just Wrong.” My thought is that the remainder of the band had every right to carry on … but, how could INXS still be INXS without “Hutch”? Why not do like the remaining members of J.oy Divi.sion (who subsequently became Ne.w Or.der, for those that didn’t know) and rename themselves?

But ask me if I tuned in to watch “Rock.star: INXS“, and I’d tell you that I did so religiously. I even voted every week online. Multiple times. H*ll, I figured that if my favorite band was going to invest in a new lead singer, I had to put my two cents in. I was originally opting for a female lead singer (LOOOVED Jor.dis U.nga), but then she got the boot. Then for me, it was a toss up between Mi.g Aye.sa and Mar.ty Ca.sey. Mi.g Aye.sa was half-Filipino … so I reeeally wanted that connection to the band. And Mar.ty Ca.sey … well, he was just different than Michael Hutchence. And if INXS was looking to go in a new direction … well, I didn’t want someone who try to “fit the role” of Michael Hutchence. Which is the reason why I was initially disappointed that J.D. Fo.rtune won.

The absolute last time I saw INXS was early 2006; when they toured with J.D. as the front man. I just had to know … had to see for myself if they made the right choice. I managed to get 2nd row and was I was incredibly happy that it was an assigned-seated event. (G*d musta known my 30-something body could no longer take the beating …) And while I now know for sure that the remaining INXS members did choose the right person, I feel I can no longer enjoy the band as much as I did before. Don’t get me wrong … their songs are still incredible (especially “Afterglow” and “God’s Top Ten“, both which coincidentally happen to be songs written about Michael Hutchence) … And my ears will probably have a tendency to perk up if I ever hear news about the band … I just won’t have that same love or passion as I once did for INXS.

And thus, I’d say that 2006 was probably the year that Emily, the Groupie died.

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And now here are some personal pictures from my experiences with INXS

31 July 200813 June 2011

Emily Goes Green

First things first. Go over to Kara‘s blog and give her a virtual hug. She needs it right now.

Alrighty then … now that we got that bit out of the way …

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So the title of my latest rambling is “Emily Goes Green.” (Duh, sayeth the reader. The title is right there!)

And no, I don’t mean that I’m going “green with envy” … although the fact that my SIL is due to deliver by c-section in a mere 4 weeks might have me feeling more blue-ish/green (turquoise, if you will) for a spell. I just hope it’s not one of those spells that have me riding up and down and upside-down, much like a roller coaster.

Check out the "green" toilet in the Portland, OR airport!

Nah, I’m talking about the “social awareness” type of green. You know, save the environment, Mother Earth needs to be nurtured, etc. You see, I’ve always been “green” in some sort of way since my later years in high school. Did a lot of recycling of paper, plastic and aluminum for most of my life. Collected newspapers for school recycling projects. (Heck, I’ve also been known to use the Sunday Comics as wrapping paper!)

In fact, at work I’ve been called the paper recycle queen. I’ve collected the stupid d*mn banner sheets off of our printer / copy machines and have forced people to reuse the back of the banner sheets in our fax machines. I’ve encouraged people not to print up things that they can readily access off of their computer. I’ve helped to establish desktop faxing so there is less waste of paper. I’ve stopped buying bottled water and instead have been filling up my reusable water bottle from the filtered tap water in our cafeteria.

Here's a closer look at the "Green" toilet instructions!

And I do all this because I know (even before watching “An Incon.venient Tr.uth” ) that mass consumption is going to be the death of our earth. (Go see “W.all-E“, by the way …)

So imagine my surprise when we went to pick up our rental car during our recent trip to San Diego (which, by the way … pictures are forthcoming!) and found out that the rental company assigned a hybrid vehicle to us. Yeah, I was ecstatic … because for the past couple years, Hubby & I have been thinking of getting a hybrid vehicle.

Let me preface this by saying a couple of things:

We live in the Motor City, so everyone (and I do mean everyone) owns a vehicle because … G*d forbid, we have any reliable source of mass transportation (and no, the Pe.ople Mo.ver does NOT count) …
Hubby works approximately an hour and a half away from where we live and has single-handedly put on over 200,000 miles on both of our cars over the past five years or less … AND
Gas prices just SUCK

So yeah … having rented this vehicle just happened to provide us with a great opportunity for us to test-drive a hybrid. If only the first half hour wasn’t so damn funny … and I do mean funny as in “strange” and funny as in “ha ha!”

Now, Kara … I have to warn you, you’ve already heard this story … so, turn away if you must!

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Okay, picture this. It’s 11:45 pm California time (PST). Our friend J and I are waiting for Hubby outside in the rental car lot while he signs the paperwork. Hubby come out and excitedly tells me that they rented out a hybrid vehicle to us. And because we have about 5 bags (including our carry-ons) among us, Hubby said that he’d walk to the rental and then drive back to pick us up.

About ten minutes later, no car. Suddenly my mobile phone goes off and I immediately know that it’s Hubby. “I need your help,” he says. “Can you walk over to the car and take a look at something for me?” So I walk a couple hundred feet to the white To.yota Pr.ius, where Hubby has the car door open and is handing me a keychain containing two keyless entry remotes. “I can’t figure out how to get to the key out to start the car.”

I look at the little black rectangular keyless entry remotes and think that perhaps there’s some sort of button on it to “release” the key; much like some other cars do. After about 5 minutes of pushing and pulling and sliding different thingies on the remote, Hubby decides to walk back to our friend J so that the two of them can bring all our baggage over.

In the mean time, I slide into the driver’s seat to get to the compartment where the owner’s manual should be. And then I see this green, glow-in-the-dark rectangle by the steering wheel. No way … I remember thinking. It can’t be that easy.

But sure enough, I take the keyless remote and slide it right into the green rectangle. And suddenly there’s lights and a beeping noise as if I left the car door open (which I did) with the keys still in the ignition (which apparently the remote was the the key).

And yet … no sound of the car running. “Oh,” I say out loud, as I notice this big round button that says “Power” on it. Perhaps if I push the button …. but still nothing. By this time, Hubby & J are by my side, amazed that I even figured out how to get the keys in the car. And yet, every time any of us go to press the “Power” button, we would get no indication that the car was actually running.

So now it’s about 12:15 am PST, which … for those who just flew in from Michigan … is about 3:15 am EST, the three of us had poured over the d*mn owner’s manual with absolutely no idea on how to start the car. And all we wanna do is get to our hotel room so we can crash for the night. “This is ridiculous,” says Hubby. “I’m gonna ask the girl inside.” And so off he stalks.

Within 3 minutes he’s back at the car. “She says to press the brake while pushing the power button.” (Because that little bit of info is nowhere in the owner’s manual!) And so he complies. Bingo … the digital odometer finally appears as well as a slew of other important car features (climate control being my priority, of course!). “There we go,” says Hubby, as he starts to shift the car into drive.

The Funky Gear Shift (and the Park button, too!)

“Wait,” I say to Hubby. “Are you sure it’s even running? I don’t hear a thing!”

“It is,” Hubby assures me. “The girl said the engine is extremely quiet, so it always tends to fool first-time hybrid users.” After that, he presses the brakes and places the car into “Drive.” And once he lets go of the gear shift, it promptly returns back into neutral. “Weird,” Hubby says and tries it again. And once again, the gear shift returns to the neutral position.

J and I look at each other and I know we’re both thinking the same thing: “How the h*ll do we get this car to move forward. Or backward. Or at all?!”

“Oh, I get it,” says the driver. “I think the gear shift is a simple lever.” Sounds strange, but I knew that Hubby meant that really … the car could move either forward or reverse at the touch of a button. But because we’ve all gotten so used to the concept of a gear shift, the carmaker developed a contraption that works very similar to what we were familiar with. And once we all understood that, Hubby “pseudo-shifted” the car into Drive,” and finally got the car to move forward.

In the midst of our short drive to the hotel, we discovered other crazy things about the car. For instance, the digital display monitor is multi-functional and controls not only the interior climate but the radio tuner as well. And when the car is placed in reverse, the digital display monitor functions as the screen for the “backup camera” feature, which allows for a view of the car’s rear area. “How frickin’ cool,” we all think when we see it for the first time.

By the time we pull up to our hotel, it’s about 1:00 am PST (4:00 am EST, if you’re keeping track of how long our day has been). “Uh …,” says Hubby. “Now how do I put this sucker in park?” I glance over at the display and confirm that there is no “Park” option in the gear shift. I shrug my shoulders as Hubby and I both happen to catch this little sticker label right by the gear shift. “Push the ‘P’ button to place in Park,” Hubby reads out loud.

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So yeah … that was our first ever experience with a hybrid vehicle. I have no idea if this is what other hybrid vehicles are like, but this one certainly had the three of us simultaneously banging our heads up against the car window and laughing our a$$es off.

Now ask me if I’d ever drive another To.yota Pr.ius again, and the answer is a resounding yes. After figuring out how to work everything in the car, the little bugger was so d*mn cool. But the best part was … after about six days of driving the car essentially all over San Diego and as far up as Del Mar, we only used a half a tank of gas. That’s almost 250 miles of driving at a mere 4-5 gallons of gas.

Makes me wanna paint the whole world green …

23 July 200813 June 2011

Sun-soaked*

I am home. Or at least where I feel like Hubby & I should be if we ever could afford to move out of Michigan.

Hubby & I, along with our good friend J are here in San Diego, Cali. We arrived around 11:00 Tuesday night and spent the following day at the beach. Well, at least some of the day.

We started the day out driving up to La Jolla where we had a late breakfast. The minute I stepped out of the rental car, I suddenly felt giddy. I turned to J and said, “I can already smell the ocean.” The complete happiness around being close to the ocean must have been really evident, because this led to quite a discussion around my apparent need to constantly be around a body of water.

“It’s the Cancerian in me,” I explained to J. “I just have this longing to be around water.” Which is so true; the desire to constantly be close to a river, a lake or an ocean. “That, and the fact that I’m such an Island Girl at heart,” making reference to the fact that I’m 100% Filipino.

“Which is rather funny,” said J, “seeing that you were born here in the US and have never lived in the Philippines.” I could hear my Hubby chucking. After all, he was actually born in the Philippine Islands and moved to the US when he was 5 years old.

“Yes,” I said to J. “I know. It is rather odd.” I explained to J that somehow being around water makes me feel so content. And happy. And less anxious or highly stress. Like I do when I’m back in my regular environment. “It’s like I let go of my Type-A personality when I’m in places like this.”

“I had no idea you were Type-A,” J deadpanned. And we all knew that was furthest from the truth.

But there’s really something about being around the water that calms my anxiety. As we all sat on our towels later that afternoon on Pacific Beach, I felt peaceful. After playing in the waves, Hubby & I plopped down next to J, who was reading a book. We laid down on our towels, pulled out our books and proceeded to do the same thing.

As I lay in the sun-soaked beach, I took in all the action around me. The chatter of the families around us … the toddler next to us who was shoveling sand to make a castle … the sound of the waves crashing onto the shore and then retreating back into the ocean.

Wow, I thought to myself. Reading a good book and being at the beach?! Next to Hubby, these are the other two loves of my life.

That’s when I turned to Hubby and said to him softly, “I’m home.

* Unfortunately, I forgot to bring the appropriate cables to download any of the pics I’ve taken thus far … so check back next week when I get back to MI to see some amazing beach photos I’ve taken. Ack! How un-Type A was that?!