So it’s been over a week now and other than close friends, I haven’t really expressed how I felt about the results of the Presidential Elections. Without a doubt, I am disappointed. It’s disheartening to know that a little more than half the country believe that a man found to be convicted of 34 felonies will once again be our President. This is a person that has bribed, manipulated, and lied (not to mention throw tantrums) to get his way. And it seems he has done it again. But I digress.
“The light of America’s promise will always burn bright as long as we never give up and as long as we keep fighting”
Kamala Harris November 6, 2024
If the Darkness is to Keep Us Apart
8 yrs ago this week I felt sad, nauseous, and anxious. This quickly lead to anger and resentment. I remember about a week after the election sitting in my shared office commiserating with my officemates when our good friend sat down to join in the conversation.
What she had said that day stuck with me. She said, “You know what? I’ve decided that I’m done being upset and angry.” I can recall myself looking at her dumbstruck. She went on to say, “We can’t change the outcome of the results, but I can change the way I respond to it.” When pushing her further, she added, “I just think I could either use all my energy being sad and angry and despondent. Or I could use it to do other things to change what I don’t like with our country.”
What she meant that it was better to focus on moving forward and, instead of being angry and resentful, find a way to use that energy and turn it into something positive. What she meant that it was better to focus on moving forward and, instead of being angry and resentful, find a way to use that energy and turn it into something positive.
If the Daylight Feels like It’s a Long Way Off
It’s taken me 8 years and an additional presidential election to fully appreciate what my good friend said that day. After the 2020 election, and the anger / resentment / hatred that resulted from the “Stop the Steal” movement, I understood the need to let go of resentfulness and anger. I understood the importance to move on instead of focusing on what “should have been.” That’s because 4 years prior to that was how I felt. It’s unfortunate that the other side never understood the concept of knowing when to accept the results and had a leader that continued to fan those flames.
And here we are now, 8 years later … feeling like we’re back to Square One. Some may even venture to say Square Negative One Hundred.
If Your Glass Heart Should Crack
Am I angry? Yes. I live in a country so divided that after elections, families and friends no longer talk to one another. A country where in public spaces, if you look, act, speak, have a bumper sticker on your car that offends another person you’ll get a major stare down from them. Sometimes a rude comment or an infantile gesture. Worse are the trolls on social media that feel the need to denigrate a person or community behind a smart phone or laptop. A country where the word “Patriot” gets thrown around so much, it starts to sound like a dirty word.
Am I sad? Well, yeah, but I’m not despondent. Not like last time where I seriously thought the end of days were near (though, if the Lions win the Super Bowl this season … ).
And For a Second You Turn Back
It will take time for everyone who voted for Kamala to heal from this loss, because it was such a big emotional loss for those of us with hope. Her campaign brought out something in the US that half the country (if not more) were searching for.
In an environment where everything felt consumed in darkness, Kamala lit the candle. She gave us reason to believe that there was still good to come from our country. That there were more people around us that were like-minded about civil rights and policies than we thought. She brought hope. She urged us to keep moving forward.
Yet even though she lost, I will fight to keep moving forward. I will not give up hope that there is more good in our country if we look hard enough and if we work together.
Oh No, Be Strong
So with that, I decided that this time around, I will be doing what my friend said she was going to do. I’m going to focus on staying positive and not be dragged down by the negativity and falsehoods of this Presidency. I spent more time during those years being exhausted and anxious. (Oh, don’t worry — not all of it from that poop head. He doesn’t deserve that much real estate in my brain.)
And then I’m also going to use all that positive energy to keep fighting for what I believe is just and right. I may be wearing rose-colored glasses, I know.
But it’s better than squinting to see half-truths and conspiracy theories; Better than wearing blinders and continue on with the status quo. Better than denying any wrongdoing at all.
Walk On, Walk On
“You have the capacity to do extraordinary good in the world.” … … “This is not a time to throw up our hands. This is a time to roll up our sleeves. This is a time to organize, to mobilize, and to stay engaged for the sake of freedom and justice and the future that we all know we can build together.”
That’s a silly term, don’t you think? The English language being the English language never fails to confuse even the those who use English as their primary language. Obviously, an “anchor” is something that is used to keep an object in place. And “aweigh” is derived from the Dutch word “wegan,” which translates as “to weigh.” Put the two words together and you think it would mean to weigh a person down. But nope. It’s an English nautical term that basically means, “Lift up that dead weight and let’s get movin’!”
Except that’s not exactly what I’m doing these days. In fact, I’m doing the literal (or maybe not so literal?) opposite.
Batten Down The Hatches!
I can’t explain my roller coaster moods lately. For the most part, I feel like I’m doing fantastic. Things are looking good on the horizon. Work is improving (getting off the graveyard shift soon — woohoo!). I’m working on my health; trying to get my body working properly. I’m overall happy where I am in life
I admit, moving into the 5th decade of life for me was difficult. It wasn’t just the thought of being old. It was the physical aspect of being old. Like, when did it get so hard to get off the floor after bending down to pick up a paperclip? Or how come my knees crack after crossing my legs for so long?
I could have gone down the rabbit hole about other “getting old” worries such as, “I’ll need hip surgery,” or “I hope I have good health insurance,” or “What about my retirement fund?”
But I didn’t. I figured, I can only deal with the here and now. And the here and now consisted of Hubby & me and our small postage-stamp house on a postage-stamp yard with our two adorable dogs. Apparently we are what they call DINKWADs — “Dual Income No Kids With A Dog” (or in our case, two).1
And then this past weekend, I stumbled onto an Instagram post that said:
Being overly independent is a defense mechanism from being constantly let down.
For some reason, that quote struck me hard. Being the couple we are, I shared the post with Hubby in the next room and texted that I had just realized that this was the reason I felt I had to take on (in this case) planning my mom’s 80th birthday2 party on my own because I didn’t want to feel let down NOR did I want HIM to feel let down with me.
At face value, I pretty much took it on myself to believe that it was because I always felt I could never measure up to what I felt my parents thought I could be. That I always felt I let them down. I mean … I *am* Filipino. And I *am* Catholic, aren’t I?
Thar She Blows!
But then I brought this up to someone else. Someone I felt I could talk to without fear or judgement. Someone that had no vested interest with my circle of family / peers. Someone who is my therapist. And she brought up something else.
She said, “Yeah! And don’t you think that you are that way because of constantly being let down from going through infertility treatments?”
BOOM
Just like that, I’m back to feeling like I’m 28 years old again and frustrated that I can’t get pregnant. Then in my head, 25 years goes by in a flash along with all the frustration, sadness, anger, and heartbreak. It feels like every single tear I shed in that moment was a memory I kept from those years.
It’s as I’m mourning my loss once again. This time it’s piece by piece. Bit by bit. Not just just the fact I could get pregnant, but the other losses too. The years I lost is being so focused on everything fertility-related. The stress and lack-of-control I had during that time period. Oh gosh, the time and money spent trying to get pregnant.
Then there’s the loss of all the milestones or “firsts.” First smile, step, word. First day of school (for every year until they graduate). First job, first car, first house. Graduation Day. Wedding Day. Grandchildren.
There was just so much loss.
However, there is one loss I feel greater than the others, especially now that I’m growing older in age. You’d think it would be the one about aging without having physical support around when it’s need. Yes, that is a concern; but for now, Hubby and I maintain that we plan to go down together with the Titanic.
Walking The Plank
No … The loss I feel most at my age now is friendship. Which was something my therapist and I talked about a lot during that last session.
I have always said to people that I am an introvert. Yes, I smile and talk a lot. Yes I can be bubbly and animated in public. Yes I’m good at public speaking. But once the mic is turned off and the lights go down, I am most comfortable in the corner at the back of the room. If given a choice to go out for a night around town on vacation or sit on the beach and watch the moon rise, I’d choose the latter.
With that in mind, it’s always been hard for me as an adult to make new friends. The friends I keep now are few and we often don’t see each other. But when we do, it’s like nothing has changed. We know each others’ nuances and are comfortable with each other. THOSE friends are once in a lifetime friends.
Hornswaggled & Marooned
In my 30’s & 40’s, I kinda chalked my lack of new friends to my introvertedness. And I also knew it was because most of them were now married with kids, leaving them little time or energy to hang out at night with someone without. PLUS, who would want to be friends with someone who needed a friend to vent about her inability to get pregnant while she either wants to vent about or praise the virtues of motherhood? I would be a horribly disappointing friend, wouldn’t I?
That would be the self-deprecating defense mechanism talking, as my therapist rightly pointed out. Truth is, I lost many high school and college friends around that period of time. Not due to any ill-fated reason, of course. It was simply because our lives took different paths. We simply lost touch with one another or became Facebook Friends where I could see their kids grow up before my own eyes. Our lives just didn’t seem to mesh with our lifestyles.
I always thought that it would be easier to make friendships at my age because there would be the potential for more empty nesters. Except, most people around my age had children later in life. Plus conversation would eventually turn to kids and grandkids — which, for the record, I have NO problem talking about 3 — and for most new acquaintances, it still seems like an awkward talking point to them when I tell them that we tried to have kids but it wasn’t meant to be.
At this point, my therapist asked if I had ever looked to see if their were any online support groups for those who were child-free and were feeling the same losses I was. And that’s when I had to chuckle.
Shiver Me Timbers
You see, 20+ years ago when I started searching for any type of support for women going through infertility, I wasn’t able to find anything. Keep in mind, there wasn’t any websites like Resolve at the time. Reddit was not even born yet. Facebook was still a baby. It was difficult to find anything. Any resources I found were from doctors offices.
I admittedly tried going to a live support group meeting, but the introvert in me was so embarrassed about crying in front of strangers, so I just never went back.4 So I just googled. And I stumbled on Mel’s website. And I found blogs and started to read. And in March of 2007, Apron Strings for Emily was born.
Over the past week, I have once again googled to see what kind of support is out there for me. I am happy to report there are many resources available depending on what I might be interested. Introverted as I am, I’ll likely try an online support group.
I am 100% grateful for this space. It has allowed me a place to bear my soul for the world to see. While many people in real life (IRL) know about this little corner of my world, I like to think this is my safe space where I can just be me.
Sometimes I forget I still have this space to do this. Sometimes I feel exhausted and lack the energy to write down all the crappy emotions I have in swirling in this head of mine. But I know I have to find a way to manage all get these negative, self-deprecating thoughts out of my head. And while I may not feel that I have the support of those who could completely understand the same fears and losses I have gone through (YET, working on that support group research), at least I have this space to talk about it. And not have to worry about letting anyone else — even myself — down.
Only the BEST 80’s childhood movie EVER
What do the Millenials say? I was THIS many years old when I found this out (too old, I guess). ↩︎
Wow. That sounds melodramatic, doesn’t it? Sorry to disappoint, but this isn’t a post where I get incredibly morose about some blah blah blah …
Nah, this is just one of those ones where I brag about what I’ve been up to or where The Ohana has been.
By the way, I started calling Hubby & I and our kiddos “The Ohana” a few years back after adding Kirby into our lives. He is, after all … our son. He may have four paws, lots of fur, and can only speak in beagle-tongue, but he’s ours to nurture and protect.
This October, we added Kira to The Ohana. She’s a senior beagle-greyhound mix we rescued from I Heart Dogs Rescue and Animal Haven in Warren MI.
OHANA MEANS FAMILY
We had talked about adopting another dog, but since being turned down a few years ago, I was pretty gun shy about trying to adopt again. I mean … talk about being an infertile, who couldn’t have kids, decided against adoption because of the fear of failure from a not being able to have kids PLUS feeling even more of a loss from the devastating failure of IVF … imagine being rejected by a rescue group by trying to adopt A DOG. Yes … that’s why it took a while to want to try to rescue again.
Kirby’s adoption story is pretty short. He was rescued from a high-kill shelter in Ohio and brought to the Animal Welfare Society of Southeastern Michigan located in Madison Heights MI. After a month of looking on Petfinder for that perfect beagle, we found him and the very next day was at the rescue shelter right when it opened. We took one look at the cutest 1 year old, 15 lb beagle-Jack Russell Terrier (we think) mix; and — with one little wag of the tail, he won our hearts and has been with us now for 10 years. He’s turning silver in a lot of areas and is slowing down a but, but he is both as sweet and as charming as the first day we took him home.
Kira’s adoption story, was a little more heartbreaking. She was found by Warren Police one night wandering the streets and brought into the rescue group. The police felt that their city pound was no place for an older dog and begged I Heart Dogs Rescue and Animal Haven to take her in. So they did, even though they were overfilled and had a waitlist for families wanting to surrender their pets due to financial situation, etc. The next day, one of the volunteers saw Kira and mentioned that a man & woman came in wanting to surrender this same pet about a week ago because his elderly father was moving somewhere where he couldn’t take pets and they couldn’t find a home for her. Unfortunately they left without even putting their names on a waitlist.
We only heard that story AFTER we met her as an Ohana. While Kirby sniffed and basically ignored Kira for the rest of the time, at least he didn’t bite, bark, or bear his teeth. So yeah, after hearing that story, we knew we had to take Kira home. It took a while for the two of them to get used to each other – Kirby still is very protective of his food and toys and Kira is always wanting to be the center of attention — they have both decided they can live and sleep next to each other in harmony. As much as two 11-year old dogs with personalities of perpetual 3-year old siblings would. SO curious. SO stubborn. SO. Frickin. Adorable.
NO ONE GETS LEFT BEHIND
Anyway, back to the “Darkness” and the “Old Friend.” Since adopting Kirby, The Ohana had stopped doing vacations that required putting Kirby in the care of someone else. Therefore, we’ve been doing a lot of road-trips around North America. We started out small … Northern MI including the UP, Toronto & London Ontario, etc. And then we started doing more; the first major one in 2017 when we drove cross-country from Detroit to Santa Monica, getting on & off Route 66 and heading back by way of Yellowstone, Mt Rushmore and Chicago. On that trip is when we bought a US National Park Passport Book and decided we would try to go to as many National Parks and Historic Sites as we could. To date, we have been to 23 of the 63 US National Parks and are hoping to see all of the ones in the Continental US.
This brings me to the title of this post. I am currently sitting in a hotel room in Hot Springs Arkansas. “Why?,” you may ask. Well, for a few reasons. 1) We are hoping to hit every US State (with or without the pups), which we’re actually down to 2 after this trip. 2) We have an opportunity to get a US National Park Passport Stamp from Hot Springs National Park. And, 3) the 2024 Total Solar Eclipse.
I FELL INTO A BURNING RING OF FIRE
Yeah, I know. We went with the hype. But to be fair … this is actually the SECOND time we drove to see a Total Solar Eclipse. A couple weeks before the 2017 Nashville Eclipse, Hubby & I thought, “Well, we’ve never been to Nashville, so … hey, why not?” Plus, Hubby got me a Canon E80D camera for my birthday that year and we thought it would be fun to try it out on something we’d see probably only once in our lifetime.
Or so we thought.
After seeing that Total Solar Eclipse, we were hooked. It was pretty amazing to watch how the whole landscape changed from a bright, warm sky to a “quick sunset” to midnight and then back to day in a matter of minutes. It was eerie to watch the shadows of the trees and of people switch quickly from one side to the other and then back again. Strange to hear birds peeping one minute, then a brief silence and then crickets chirping. Basically we were wonderstruck. The totality lasted only 1 minute and 56 seconds, but — since I was trying to take as many pictures as I could — it seemed like it was only seconds. Thank goodness for remote shutters, so I could at least see the Ring of Fire with my own two eyes!
I WENT DOWN, DOWN, DOWN
Driving home on that trip, Hubby & I were already planning for the next Total Solar Eclipse for 2024, which seemed AGES away. Where would we see it? Did we want to go somewhere warm (it would be in April after all; Michigan springs are fickle) or did we want to go somewhere warmer? I can tell you this, by 2022 I was already reserving an AirBNB in Cleveland on Lake Erie so we’d at least have one place just in case.
Kirby & Kira on ThingsProof of Visit
Obviously we decided on Hot Springs National Park for the above reasons and last year around this time I was booking hotel rooms for this trip. I ended up settling for a hotel in Maumelle, Arkansas, a town on the outskirts of Little Rock and about an hour north of Hot Springs. And after seeing the area around Hot Springs Village, I am glad I chose Maumelle. The city is spread out and not too crowded. The best feature, though, was a small park in front of the Arkansas River directly behind the hotel I booked. That’s where where The Ohana and maybe less than 75 people witnessed the eclipse.
In Nashville, I was able to take photos of the all the stages of the eclipse; which included photos of Bailey’s Beads, the Corona, and the “Diamond Ring.” (Click HERE to see a collage of the shots I took in one photo.) We had bought the right filter for my lens and prepped ourselves thoroughly on how to set up the camera and when to leave or remove the filter to take the best photos. We even had all the manual settings down to a tee. I was SO ecstatic when I saw how the pictures turned out. They weren’t as sharp as they could have been, but afterwards, I found out that there was a small amount of unexpected cloud coverage that came in while we were in the totality stage. Nonetheless, I was proud I was able to get those photos.
This year I would know what to do better, after all we were “eclipse chasers” and now had experience taking photos. What could go wrong?
AND THE FLAMES WENT HIGHER
Well for starters, I realized when we were at the point of no return, that I forgot our tripod at home. This meant going to a local Big Box store in Maumelle when we arrived. Then, while getting my camera ready the night before and getting reacquainted with settings and tips (read: Google tips), I realized I forgot the correct filter in order to take shots during the the partial eclipse stages.1 This meant that being able to focus on the actual “subject” (aka THE SUN) couldn’t be done until the total eclipse stage occurred. Which was fine, because really … that — The Ring of Fire was the money shot I really wanted.
So with settings in place, same camera from last time on new cheap Big Box tripod, and more Totality Time than last (3 min, 37 sec), I thought … okay, I got this. But woh, those almost 4 minutes flew by. Especially since I thought the picture wasn’t in focus. Or that the photo was going to be too dark. Or worse, too light. Did the flash go off? What the frick’n frack? Turn to Hubby, “Take a photo with your iPhone NOW! I’m not getting it!” And finally, “Wow, that’s spectacular! Dang Nabbit! I didn’t capture it on film!”
Cue sound: wah wah waaaaah
AND IT BURN, BURN, BURNS
It WAS indeed, spectacular. It was so much brighter than the 2017 Total Solar Eclipse. The Ring of Fire was much larger that I remember from almost 7 years ago. I had read somewhere — or maybe heard (it’s hard to remember with all the coverage leading up to the event) that this eclipse was supposed to be brighter than usual. Something about how solar flares were less active in 2017 and that this year, the sun was closer to earth and solar flare activity was at its maximum. I kinda poo-poo’d that, but when looking at it, I thought about that fact and wondered if that was why the Ring of Fire was so breath-taking.
I was so angry at myself that I wasn’t able to catch that moment. So mad that I didn’t even want to look at previews of the photos on my camera. Even after we retuned to the hotel later that afternoon, I refused to transfer the photos to iCloud. Finally, I got curious when the thought of comparing the 2017 and 2024 eclipse got the best of me.
THE RING OF FIRE
While the photos were transferring to iCloud, I pulled up the photos from 2017 and specifically the Ring of Fire from that eclipse. Right off the bat, I was shocked. It was nowhere near as amaze-balls as the one I just observed. Beautiful, yes. And still a little fuzzy from the small amount of unexpected cloud coverage, but it was still as beautiful as I remembered. Just not brilliant as the one we just witnessed.
Now I was reeaaalllly mad and prayed to the powers that be that I got at least ONE good photo. I’d even settle for a blurry one, but I just wanted one that showed how bright it was. And then I saw these photos:
Sooo Blurry!Not clear enough!
Followed by THIS photo:
2024 Total Solar Eclipse, Little Rock AR
Not just Brilliant. Brilliant like a DIAMOND — a HALO of sorts.
Thank you all that is Good in the world, thank you Angels above!! By pure chance, I managed to get — not just this photo, but a few other ones … followed by about dozen blurred ones. But I got it. I got Johnny Cash’s Ring of Fire.
Just for comparison, this is the Ring of Fire shot I was able to get in Nashville.
2017 Total Solar Eclipse, Nashville: A little fuzzy from the small amount of unexpected cloud coverage
THE RING OF FIRE
Now I can leave Hot Springs AR, having checked off another State off of our list. Plus we added another Stamp in our National Park Passport book, since we (read: me) drank some water fed directly from the Hot Springs. Unfortunately we were unable to actually have a “bath” (read: sit in hot spring-fed pool) in one of the natural spring bath houses.2*
Next up on this road trip is NOLA. Hubby & I have both been there, but separately and for work. So this will be the first time for us together as an Ohana. Then it’s through Mississippi and Alabama, knocking a total of 4 more States off of our list. Only two States left after that! (We’re now looking at you, Montana and, surprisingly, Wisconsin — WTF?)
Hopefully more to post on the road. But don’t hold your breath! LOL
Kiddos posing next to a Hot Spring FountainDrinking Fresh HOT water from the Springs
Similar to human eyes, camera lenses can get damaged by directly being pointed at the sun↩︎
Note to self: Don’t expect sit in a hot spring-fed pool or get a hot-spring spa massage on Tuesdays at the Quapaw Bath House. They’re closed. Unless you want to go the the Buckstaff Bath House which still operates as an old school bath house and separates Men & Women into different pools.↩︎
Before the day passed, I want to tell you how much I love you. It’s been a roller coaster year for us, both physically and mentally. But one thing that hasn’t wavered is our love for each other.
Thank you for being my best friend and for allowing me to just be myself; for keeping me safe and protected during the most vulnerable times in our lives. For the strength you provide me when the going gets tough.
It’s been 24 years since we promised to love each other in sickness & health, in good times & bad. We’ve certainly kept that promise and I plan on doing so, to infinity & beyond Happy 24th Anniversary, Hon!
PS. You will always be my Carl to your Ellie My Aladdin to your Jasmine … My Burrito Supreme to your cape-wearing Taco Supreme
PPS. Dang … we still look good together, don’t we?
Happy 24th Anniversary, Hon! 
to your Ellie 
My Aladdin 
to your Jasmine 
… My Burrito Supreme 
to your cape-wearing Taco Supreme 
