Yup. There’s always something about “The Smiths” that I can always relate to whenever I’m in a sad or pissy or panicky mood. And right now, I’m pretty much feeling all of those things. So, it’s no wonder I’ve got one of my favorite albums of all time, “The Queen Is Dead” streaming from my ipod. And not in shuffle mode either … because there’s just something lyrical about the way the whole album plays out. Anyway …
As mentioned in my last post, my pregnant SIL is scheduled for her c-section later in the week. And I thought I was doing relatively well reeling back all of those waves of emotion. Really. I did. For a while there, I was actually excited for the end of the week to come. I mean, after all … I absolutely love everything about a newborn baby. And I’m always in such awe when seeing this little life eat and sleep and coo … So much that at times, it supercedes the feeling of sadness or jealousy.
I would have been absolutely content going on feeling excited about my niece’s impending birth, but then since when does anything ever stay the same? (Well, except for the fact that after ten-plus years I still can’t get pregnant).
“Behind the hatred there lies a plundering desire for love.”
Yesterday at work, a co-worker who is aware of all the trials and tribulations of my IF journey, randomly asked how my SIL was doing. This is the same co-worker who’s daughter at one time was also going through IF issues but with the magic of one f*cking round of Clomid managed to get knocked up. And now, four years and three kids later (the last two were completely “natural” as I’ve been told), this co-worker is just the proud little grandmother. But I digress …
Anyway, when this co-worker found out that my SIL was going to deliver in a matter of days, she was absolutely over-the-top excited about it. I mean really, she was literally jumping for joy.
Now, okay. I understand being excited and happy for someone you know. But being that animated over a pregnancy for someone that you’ve never met? I mean, really … don’t you think that’s a little too much? Alright … given the events that had happened with my SIL’s pregnancy with Liam, I’ll give my co-worker that much. However, all I wanted was just a little bit of sympathy for me. I mean seriously, people. A littleloyalty concern for my well-being would be appreciated here.
“How can they see the love in our eyes, but still they don’t believe us?”
Ugh. As if that doesn’t make me feel sad and pissy and panicky (not to mention guilty) enough … today I had a follow-up doctor’s appointment after that first appointment back in June and the news wasn’t so good. Blood pressure is still high (but not as bad) and my cholesterol and triglycerides are not good. So my doc and I talked about diet and exercise again and what I can do to get those blood levels down. And naturally the topic led to decreasing the stress in my life. And when she asked me exactly whether or not any of my stressors would be ending any time soon … well yeah. I lost all composure. And that feeling emptiness … you know, the one where it feels like you don’t have a heart in your chest (or a uterus in my pelvis, in my case) overwhelmed me.
Because the reality is that this feeling of stress and anxiety is not going to be over any time soon. Okay, the work one hopefully should wrap up in a couple of weeks once we officially close out this work improvement group. But the fact that in a few days there will be yet another child in this world … in this family … that I did not give birth to? That one will sting for quite a while.
“And after all this time, they don’t want to believe us.”
I thought that maybe once the pregnancy was officially over, I might start to feel a little more happiness. That since my SIL will no longer be pregnant, I can start to mend my pain. And not to mention … mend the relationship I have with my SIL. Especially with this pregnancy, as it’s expected with relative certainty that my niece will be 100% healthy.
The truth is, I should know better. Sure I still felt lousy even after my SIL’s last pregnancy with Liam. I chalked it up to the fact that Liam was premature and was in the NICU. It would be only natural to feel upset and depressed over that. But today I realized that it wasn’t just the fact that Liam was experiencing so many health issues that had me so sad. Oh no … that sadness was just a branch stemming from my overall IF journey.
“And if they don’t believe us now, will they ever believe us?”
Because as I look back now… despite all the heartache and pain that came with my SIL’s pregnancy and Liam’s short life, I would do anything … go through anything … just to be able to experience creating and sustaining a life that biologically belonged to my husband and me. Even if our child would only be physically with us for four months.
And now, knowing that my niece will be entering this world in a few short days, I will once again be witness to a biological life that won’t be mine.
“And when you want to live, how do you start? Where do you go?
Who do you need to know?”
Alright kiddies … this is gonna be one of those posts where we go back in time. Where we peer into the past to discover a little more of my younger years.
And why, may you ask, did I decide to to this today? Well because today marks twenty-two years since the beginning of my obsession with all things INXS.
So sit tight … and prepare to laugh your a$$es off …
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Picture this, I was all of 14 years old about to start my first year in high school. My cousin in London, Ontario called up and said, “Hey Em. Are you and your brother interested in seeing INXS over here?” Of course, I jumped at the chance … what teenage girl wouldn’t?
The first band I ever "loved" ...
My cousin and I have been known to share such similar tastes in music ever since a road trip to Florida when we sang the soundtrack to “Grea.se” pretty much all the way down. And with the advent of MTV and MuchMusic (Canada’s MTV) in the early 80’s, we were exposed to so much more diverse music. D.uran D.uran was one of our first “loves” of many to come over the next decade.
Anyway, INXS was another one of those bands that I began to really like … first because of their interesting videos, and then because of their music. I can remember being 11 years old and fascinated by watching “The One Thing” video … you know, the one where they completely gorge themselves with this massive table of food? And I just remember really liking the catchy beat of “Don’t Change“.
But I never thought more about them, other than really liking their music until that one fateful night on the 2nd of August, 1986. The year INXS was on tour for their “Listen Like Thieves” album.
The glory of "Hutch" on stage
At 17 and 14 respectively, my cousin and I had this need to somehow be in the front row for this concert. And since the tickets were general admission, we found ourselves sitting outside of the auditorium well before the doors would open. Our patience was justly rewarded as we managed to plant ourselves at front and center. What I can recall of that concert was just how incredibly raw and powerful their performance was. Even at 14 years old, I can remember thinking that I was witnessing an amazing band. Of course, it didn’t help that my raging hormones couldn’t keep my eyes of Michael Hutchence. Yeah … back then, I had a thing for men with long hair and cool shoes …
After the concert, we thought of nothing but grabbing some food and getting back to my cousin’s house, where we could just hang out with some of her friends. So we drove by the T.im Ho.rton’s close her house, which just happened to be by one of the hotels close to the freeway. When we pulled around back, we happened to catch a glimpse of a purple tour bus. And earlier in the day, while waiting outside of the auditorium, we happened to see a purple tour bus. “Nah …,” we all thought. “What are the chances?”
“What the hell,” we all thought. “Let’s just see if maybe they’re hanging out close by.” So imagine our surprise when we happened upon a very drunk Tim Farriss. But despite being completey sh*t-faced, he was a really great person. He was gracious enough to sign some autographs and pose for some pictures. And because he was so wasted, I’m sure he didn’t mean to tell us that they were going to be checking out tomorrow morning. 🙂
So after staying up all night (fueled by T.im Ho.rton’s coffee, of course), we came back the next morning. We did end up waiting quite a while in the car, but eventually (probably around 9:30 or so), one by one, the band started to surface.
And honestly, since it’s been more than twenty years, I can’t remember all of the details of our chance meeting. (Although I’m sure I could probably dig it up from some of the old letters that my cousin and I wrote to each other.) I do remember that they were all incredibly nice and friendly. And probably pretty hungover, too. (Or maybe they just had cologne that smelled like bourbon? 😛 )
INXS, circa 1988, at the height of "Kick"
One memory I will always hold close to my heart is when Michael Hutchence found out that we (my two cousins, my brother and I) were all related. “No way, really?,” he asked us. And then he spontaneously broke out into song with S.ister Sled.ge’s “We Are Family.” And now every time I hear that song, I can’t help but smile and think of that day.
And thus started my love affair with INXS. No, I did not follow them from city to city. Besides, back then I was (still?) a good Catholic Filipino-American gal. I did, however, religiously watch MTV trying to videotape any and every video / interview / performance I could manage to get. I never did join the fan club at that time, but somehow between my cousin and I, we would know exactly where the band was and what they were up to.
Because of that, I consider myself very lucky to have caught INXS on tour back in September of 1987. This was only the second date of the US tour that the band did prior to the release of “Kick“. It was one of those tours where the band would “practice” their new songs off their latest album to test it in front of an audience. And because the album was not yet released, there were very few new songs that any of us knew. But yet, I can remember being completely enthralled with it. Because, looking back now, I can remember thinking, “Wow. What a culmination of all their styles” … Yes, the music geek in me thought that these songs combined the R&B / Soul of their “Shabooh Shoobah” album with the “’80’s New Wave Alternative” album of “The Swing” and the ultimate “Rock ‘n Roll” of their “Listen Like Thieves” and album. In.Cred.Ible. And may I remind you, once again, that this was even before the “Kick” album was even released?! (I must have been a “special” 15 year old back then … yeah, special like “Ed.”)
I found this pretty funny ...
Flash forward to college. By 1990, I had seen INXS a total of five times. (One instance back in 1988 had my mother helping my cousin and I “stalk” the band while they were back in Michigan. By then, they were incredibly huge and there was no way we thought we would find them. But alas, my Mom found them at a larger hotel where we were able to meet Kirk, the guitarist / sax player, in the lounge. Again, what another fun experience.) The album “X” was released that summer and I was working at a local record store (yeah, how ’80’s “Prett.y In Pi.nk” could I be?!). While those songs, especially “Disappear“, served as awesome drinking songs during dorm room parties, I just didn’t have the inclination to go see them when they came around in concert. First of all, they were huge. And second of all … They. Were. Huge. How fun is it to go see them in concert when all I’d be able to see is a “leeetle” tiny spec of them from the nosebleeds seats? (Hey, I was in college then. I couldn’t afford to buy the more expensive main floor jumbo-arena tickets!) So I passed.
And then the last time I ever saw Michael Hutchence in person. It was 1994, the “Get Out of the House” tour. This was a tour to promote their latest album at the time, “Welcome to Wherever You Are“. This was the type of tour where INXS wanted to return to the small bars and clubs of their earlier years. This was one concert I felt that I could not miss … where else would I have the opportunity to see them up close and personal?
By then, I was already in Nursing school and was dating future Hubby. I admit, I was a little concerned about taking future-Hubby to this concert. It would mean that I would have to “introduce” future-Hubby to the “other” love of my life. BUT seeing as future-Hubby stood in line all night long (while I worked the midnight shift at the local hospital as a Nurse Assistant) at the venue where the band would be playing … the only location that tickets would be sold available … I couldn’t not take him. How cruel would I have been?
Uh ... yeah ...
But even Hubby couldn’t discount how incredible it was to see them at such a small venue. The fact that we happened to make it to the front of the stage just made it more spectacular. Also was the fact that we didn’t get completely crushed up against the stage. Future-Hubby managed to make his way out of the crowd, while I wanted to bask in all of INXS (well, who am I kidding … Michael Hutchence’s) glory. And when a nice guy ended up shielding me from the pressing crowd and at the end of the concert gave me a guitar pick that he managed to catch … well, I don’t think that made future-Hubby very happy at that time. Today though, it happens to be a running joke about the one time I picked up some stranger at the INXS concert. And how he had the nerve to leave me to be crushed by the crowd. Good thing we can joke about those things!
What an incredible loss ...
And then came that fateful day on November 22, 1997. Yes, I remember that day clearly; the day that Michael Hutchence died. It started out with an early morning call from my cousin, of all people. The one and the same person who took me to that fateful concert 11 years prior. Both her and I were in complete shock. That summer, Hubby & I had plans to go see INXS again at a music festival put on by the local radio station. At the last minute, we decided not to go … me thinking that I had already seen them so many times and that we’d have more opportunities to see them again in the future. How wrong I was. And for years I mourned what I considered “the end” of an incredible band.
Flash forward again to 2005. Earlier in 2004, I had heard rumors about INXS working with Ma.rk Bu.rnett on a reality show to find the band a new lead singer. “Wrong,” I remember thinking at the time. “Just Wrong.” My thought is that the remainder of the band had every right to carry on … but, how could INXS still be INXS without “Hutch”? Why not do like the remaining members of J.oy Divi.sion (who subsequently became Ne.w Or.der, for those that didn’t know) and rename themselves?
But ask me if I tuned in to watch “Rock.star: INXS“, and I’d tell you that I did so religiously. I even voted every week online. Multiple times. H*ll, I figured that if my favorite band was going to invest in a new lead singer, I had to put my two cents in. I was originally opting for a female lead singer (LOOOVEDJor.dis U.nga), but then she got the boot. Then for me, it was a toss up between Mi.g Aye.sa and Mar.ty Ca.sey. Mi.g Aye.sa was half-Filipino … so I reeeally wanted that connection to the band. And Mar.ty Ca.sey … well, he was just different than Michael Hutchence. And if INXS was looking to go in a new direction … well, I didn’t want someone who try to “fit the role” of Michael Hutchence. Which is the reason why I was initially disappointed that J.D. Fo.rtune won.
Who's better ... Michael? Or J.D.?
The absolute last time I saw INXS was early 2006; when they toured with J.D. as the front man. I just had to know … had to see for myself if they made the right choice. I managed to get 2nd row and was I was incredibly happy that it was an assigned-seated event. (G*d musta known my 30-something body could no longer take the beating …) And while I now know for sure that the remaining INXS members did choose the right person, I feel I can no longer enjoy the band as much as I did before. Don’t get me wrong … their songs are still incredible (especially “Afterglow” and “God’s Top Ten“, both which coincidentally happen to be songs written about Michael Hutchence) … And my ears will probably have a tendency to perk up if I ever hear news about the band … I just won’t have that same love or passion as I once did for INXS.
And thus, I’d say that 2006 was probably the year that Emily, the Groupie died.
****************
And now here are some personal pictures from my experiences with INXS
I have this habit of singing this song whenever I’m up early on a Sunday morning. It’s probably a leftover habit from the mid-80’s. It reminds me of getting up on Sundays and having to go to mass with my parents. Hmm … what does that say about me?
So here I am, sitting in a relatively quiet household. The only sound I can hear is my stomach growling (it’s calling for pancakes or waffles) and my Hubby’s breathing as he sleeps. I figure he deserves to sleep in … he’s had a rough couple of weeks, not only with my Dad’s hospitalization but with some major projects he had going on at work at the same time.
And although I wanted to stay cuddled up next to Hubby and sleep in a bit, I had to make a trip over to my parents’ house to drop off a prescription for my Dad.
Yep … Dad made it home safe and sound. Up next … a visit from a home care nurse to help them go over all his new medications and to go over some important things he needs to do … like watching his diet and continuing to do aggressive deep breathing treatments to prevent any further pneumonia.
I specifically asked for a visiting nurse to come out to see my parents because, even though I could be that person to go over all these things, there are some things that get reinforced better by other professionals than by family members. No matter how many times my brother and I go over it ourselves with them.
Speaking of my brother … he’s back in Chi-town where he’s finishing up his last year of residency. He takes his boards on Monday and Tuesday and I’m wishing him the best of luck. He has totally been a trooper during these past weeks, having to drive back and forth (a total of FOUR times) to show his support for both Mom and Dad.
But really … what I wanted to do was to share pictures of his dog. Meet Wrigley. He’s a five-year ex-racing greyhound that my brother and SIL picked up from a rescue league outside of Chicago.
This dog is SO laid back … you can’t help but love Wrigley and his personality. The whole time I was there, he did not ONCE bark (unlike our “puppy” who sounds off at approximately 30 barks per minute). And once Wrigley decides he likes you, he literally wants to sit with you (or on you) and follow you wherever you go.
Wish I could see Wrigley more often. But alas … his Auntie Em only gets to see him whenever he’s brought into town with his Daddy. And can you just imagine this dog driving in a small Mazda for five hours from Chicago to Detroit? Geesh … where does he fit!
So I was officially “Tagged” by kcmarie waaaay back at the end of December. I figured I probably should finally get around to doing it. Apparently there has been some “rules” that have been posted since I initially got tagged, so I figured I would add it to my post as well.
The Rules:
Link to the person that tagged you.
Post the rules on your blog.
Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
Tag at least three people at the end of your post and link to their blogs.
Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
Let the fun begin!
Ummmm … Let’s see. Six non-important quirks about me.
I brush my teeth with my left hand. Which would not be any big deal except that I’m right-handed in everything else. I’ve tried switching hands many times, but for some reason I always revert subconsciously to my left hand.
I always have to sleep with one foot, preferably the right (told you I was a righty), outside of the blanket. Even if I’m lying on the side, I always have to have a foot out. It could be freezing cold in our bedroom to the point that my head is even under the covers, but I absolutely have to keep one foot on the outside. I’m not quite sure the reason why, but it’s just something I have always done. Sometimes I think that my mind is telling me that I must always be ready to move or get up at the spur of the moment.
Back in high school, I was nicknamed the “Human Jukebox” because I would always know the words to any song. Friends would spit out two words to a song and I would literally know what song they were talking about. Unfortunately, that “talent” faded once I got into college because suddenly my mind had to be filled with the other “useful” knowledge it was supposed to contain in order for me to graduate with my Nursing degree. Apparently though, my “talent” has started to resurface because I’m suddenly being approached by co-workers who say I should be on that new TV show where I’m supposed to complete the lyrics. Yikes! I’d have too much stage fright!
Speaking of high school, I was voted “Class New-Waver.” I mean, come ON! How 80’s could that get?! Personally, I would have thought that I would have been “Class Goth” if there was ever that category back then. But then again, we’re talking Catholic school here. I guess it was because even back then, I only wore black (Thank God no uniforms in high school at that time!) and supposedly listened to what was considered “alternative music” back then. Seriously though, I think God got back at me for wearing all that black in high school, because once I got into the Nursing program in college all I was allowed to wear was white. Grrr …
I took piano lessons for close to ten years when I was young. I loved playing the piano, but I hated the lessons. Probably because I never was able to really “read” the notes as quickly as you would think someone taking lessons for that long would. Instead, I had a tendency to read the notes slowly, learn the “melody,” and then memorize it so I knew when something “sounded” wrong when I played it. It used to drive my piano teacher INSANE. What I wish I would have known then was that there was a specific method of teaching piano, called the Suzuki Method, that relied mostly on listening to a song over and over again in order to learn the tune. Then I might have found another instructor and might have continued taking lessons.
I’m not a particularly active or “fit” person, but I love watching any type of sports. I think it comes from living in a city that has all the major pro-sports teams (hockey, baseball, basketball, football) and great universities with good sports programs. Hubby & I are BIG University of Michigan Football Fans and are actually pretty lucky to have season tickets every year. The funny thing is that Hubby actually is a U of M alumni, but do you think that we EVER went to any of the football games when he actually attended the university? Nope. In fact, I never had any inkling that Hubby was a sports nut until after we were married. Which is when I really started getting into sports. Never thought I’d see the day when I actually knew what the referee’s hand signals actually meant …
So that’s it about me. Six quirky things you never wanted to know.
I guess this is where I’m supposed to tag other people. Oh geez, I don’t have THAT big a circle of friends, but I’ll tag hope548, courtney rose, and sheila. Good luck, gals!!
Yup. There’s always something about “The Smiths” that I can always relate to whenever I’m in a sad or pissy or panicky mood. And right now, I’m pretty much feeling all of those things. So, it’s no wonder I’ve got one of my favorite albums of all time, “The Queen Is Dead” streaming from my ipod. And not in shuffle mode either … because there’s just something lyrical about the way the whole album plays out. Anyway …
