Category: Infertile Me

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NIAW 2009, Pt V

(Hellooo … Part Five of a six-day series to celebrate NIAW. I’d say it’s because I “planned” it that way … but the truth is, the series started out as one extremely looong post. To start at the beginning, click here.)

273First, let me pose this question. Do you remember that childhood rhyme that starts off with a boy and a girl “sitting in a tree / K-I-S-S-I-N-G”? Well, if you do, you’ll remember that it continues on to falling in love with the next step being marriage. It finally concludes with this particular “couple’s” child in a baby carriage.

The reason I bring this up is because this “path” in life is something that is taught to us at a very early age. A path that “society” expects every person to follow. It’s also this type of rhyme that often has little girls already imagining falling in love and planning their “dream” wedding. And that the next “obvious” milestone in life is all about having a baby.

However, the reality is this: As much as the majority of American society look down upon it … or simply “ignore” it … love (as in “couple” love) is not always about a boy and a girl.  Furthermore the US Vital statistics state that 51 out of 1000 live births in 2006 were to unmarried women between the ages of 15 to 44.* So much for marriage before the baby carriage.

The truth is that every person’s life takes a different path. And sometimes a person’s life doesn’t follow what society considers as “normal.” But because such thinking is ingrained into the general population at a very early age, anything that doesn’t follow the customary flow is considered unorthodox. The unfamiliarity of any person deviating from this path brings about awkwardness amongst the rest of his/her surrounding company.

And how does all this pertain to infertility and loss of contact amongst the rest of society? Well, when the general public considers the concept of a “nuclear family” (a couple comprised of partners of the opposite sex and their children all living in the same household) the “norm” … it makes it quite difficult for the infertile couple to “fit in.”

Adding on to that last statement, modern society today has obviously placed an emphasis on family and children. When everything from advertising and marketing to politics involve the importance of that “nuclear family”, how can you not find yourself involved in a conversation surrounding children?

Eventually when others find out that your married with no children, the first reaction is typically “Why?” Which is then followed closely by “Isn’t your biological clock ticking?” To me, this reaction is society’s way of trying to “include” you in a conversation about children and how important it is to have them.

For those experiencing infertility … it’s akin to “preaching to the choir” … believe me, we know how important children are. We wouldn’t be going through all the work-up, testing and heartbreak if we didn’t comprehend the importance of having children.

And for those of you brave enough to share with society your experiences with infertility, I’ll bet that the most common reaction of those “fertile” people is to redirect the conversation … quite frankly out of pure awkwardness of not knowing how to respond. In turn this action, whether intended or not, effectively separates you from that particular social connection. Because (and be truthful, my fertile friends …), how many other conversations can one have with you that doesn’t somehow develop into something related to their child? Especially since their lives (rightfully) revolve around their children and their needs.

This loss of connection amongst other couples, whether intentional or not, is lonely. It’s difficult to go through all the emotions of infertility by itself; however, adding the element of isolation creates gargantuan roadblocks when seeking even a little bit of support.

Let me use this as an example. For my “fertile friends” out there … when you started “planning” your family, was this topic something that you discussed with anyone and everyone? Chances are, you’ve answered this with a “No.”

That’s because “polite society” dictates that these topics are best discussed at home. Behind closed doors. I mean, really … as crude as today’s society can be … family planning is still considered a private affair.

Now put that in context with a couple experiencing infertility. And add to that the pressure that society places on every human being to procreate. How would you try to find support for an issue that is considered by society as both private and paramount?

Because of the privacy of such a topic, the average person is simply not equipped to discuss such “sensitive” issues such as infertility. Nor would they be able to understand some of the reasons behind their infertile friends’ behaviors (avoiding baby showers, for instance … or the lack of excitement about any pregnancy news). And because of that, the average person wouldn’t feel comfortable in providing any support to a friend traveling through infertility.

This is when learning about what kind of support you can provide to a friend becomes important. This is when it’s essential to bust the many myths you might have about infertility; to know what might help your infertile friend feel less uncomfortable about discussing such a sensitive topic. This is when understanding infertility and its effects on a person’s daily life is crucial.

Because ultimately … and I’m not just referring to infertility here … it’s often the misunderstanding of such matters that drives the wedge between what society deems as “normal” and “abnormal.”

(It concludes. Tomorrow.)

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* Heh. Apparently, the latest statistics for 2007 are even more staggering!

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NIAW 2009, Pt IV

(This is the fourth installment of a six-day series to celebrate NIAW. I’d say it’s because I “planned” it that way … but the truth is, the series started out as one extremely looong post. To start at the beginning, click here.)

273Finally there’s one last loss that those experiencing infertility may or may not have experienced in their unique journeys. It’s a loss particularly felt by those infertile couples/individuals who have decided to forgo medical treatment all together. These couples could simply be “in limbo,” deciding whether or not going through the grueling adoption process is their next step. Or they could have decided on the “child-free” path of life.

And while on this discussion, I must state that there is a difference between being a “childless” couple and “child-free” couple. Being a couple that is “child-free” indicates a methodical decision to live a life without children. It’s a choice that this couple made, for their own personal reasons, to remain a “family” of two. I’m sure that individually, each one has their reason, but the point is that there was choice in the matter.

However, living a “childless” life is simply a path in life that was given to them. It’s a path that was reluctantly forced upon them. “Childless” living may not have been the life these couples imagined when planning their future together, but it’s unfortunately the twist of fate that has taken them on their childless journey.

An ideal “childless” course … well, it would end up with the ability for any infertile to miraculously become pregnant … but that’s not what I’m getting at. (Besides, at this point in my life, it very well may be an “immaculate conception.”) In an ideal “childless” course, I would hope that a person would be able to progress from perceiving their life as “childless” to being able to live”child-free.” Because then this person (or a couple) would consciously and deliberately be making that choice to live “child-free.”

But wow … how I’ve digressed. So going back to the losses experienced with “childless” living … this last loss is one that not many like to discuss. But because this is my blog and it’s a loss that I’ve experienced, I will forge through this and write about it. And what I say isn’t meant to be received by the readers as a method to elicit sympathy or empathy. It isn’t meant to sound bitter or angry. It’s simply a fact.

And the fact is this: Couples experiencing infertility, particularly women, feel a loss of connection amongst other couples or women that have achieved pregnancy and ultimately a family. While I admit, part of that loss can be attributed to that bit of envy an infertile is *entitled* to feel. However, the loss of connection has more to do with the inability to be part of a lifestyle that is “natural” in every day society.

Let me explain this a little more.

(Tomorrow, of course … )


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NIAW 2009, Pt III

(This is Part Three of a six-day series to celebrate NIAW. I’d say it’s because I “planned” it that way … but the truth is, the series started out as one extremely looong post. To start at the beginning, click here.)

273Again, not every couple who are unable to create and sustain a life will remain childless. There are those couples in this category that will end up opening their hearts to adoption. And to me, those infertile couples are simply incredible.

They’re brave enough to pursue the long and tedious adoption process. A process that includes all the legal matters and invasion into the couples’ private lives as to whether their home and their lifestyle is “safe” enough to care for a child. A concept that, quite frankly, can be unnerving as this questions a couple (who has been struggling to have a family) whether or not they are capable of being a parent.

Those pursuing adoption are also strong enough to face every emotion — all the anxiety — involved in the adoption process head on. Placement of a child (whether domestic or international) and the absolute fear of the unknown would be enough to throw any “normal” person into anxiety overdrive:

Will there be issues with the adoption country?

Will the birth parent(s) change his/her mind?

Will the child love me?

Will I be able to love the child as if he/she is my own?

Am I a good enough in the government’s eyes to be considered capable of raising a child?

Will I be deemed unfit as a parent?

Will the child be taken away from me?

Imagine facing those thoughts every day. In my opinion, going through adoption adds a whole new layer of complexity to infertility. And I am in absolute awe in which these couples who choose this path show such grace and compassion …

I only wish I had even a portion of such brevity, strength, grace and compassion that these people do.

(Yep. There will be more of this … tomorrow.)

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NIAW 2009, Pt II

(This is the second part of a six-day series to celebrate NIAW. I’d say it’s because I “planned” it that way … but the truth is, the series started out as one extremely looong post. To start at the beginning, click here)

273And then there’s the biggest loss of all. Let me preface this by saying that not everyone experiencing infertility will end up in this category of loss. Because some will be successful with their pursuit in creating a child from within themselves. For some, it may be the creation of a biological child of their own. For others, it could be a successful pregnancy created from either donor egg, donor sperm, donor embryo, and even donor uterus. In any case, these are couples who have spent more than enough months in disappointment … and not to mention more than enough money on various medications and/or procedures.

In any case … for those others, like myself, that were not successful in their pursuit, they must deal with the ultimate loss — the inability to create a life out of one’s own being. For some couples, it could be the loss of a pregnancy; a miscarriage after having been able to create a life but unable to carry their baby to term. For every couple unable to achieve and/or maintain a pregnancy, it’s the loss of the ability to pass on a piece of yourself or your partner’s self onto another living and breathing person. To see your facial features on a child you created. To see your partner’s mannerisms in another living being. To know that you have continued on your lineage; contributed to the “Circle of Life.” Those things … and much much more are tremendously huge losses that will take more than the span of your own lifetime to mourn.

Some women feel the loss of the ability to experience a life grow inside of herself; to carry a child in her womb until that baby is ready to enter the world. For other women, it’s knowing that they will finally be able to nurture this child and bring him/her up in the manner that they’ve always dreamed about. And for others still (like myself), a combination of the two …

(More ramblings … tomorrow.)

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NIAW 2009

278So … you all might be wondering what NIAW stands for. Well let me take this little corner of cyberspace to enlighten those that don’t typically follow any other IF blogs.

NIAW stands for “National Infertility Awareness Week.” And yesterday marked the begining of this important week for anybody whose life has been affected with infertility.

And although this blog may be a mish mosh of stuff that chronicles my daily life and thoughts … it is still primarily a blog about infertility. And as I’ve said in previous posts, it’s a blog about loss.

Why loss, you might ask? Especially since infertility is a “medical” condition. Like diabetes. Or heart disease. Or cancer. Well just like any of these conditions, infertility affects every aspect of a person’s life. Just like heart disease requires a lifestyle change, so does infertility. Infertility also requires constant blood tests and monitoring to keep things under “control” … just like diabetes does. And cancer? How can anyone who has been affected by cancer, either personally or through a loved one, not be affected by a diagnosis of cancer?

Going along with the cancer scenario … imagine, if you will, a person — perhaps a loved one, a dear friend, or even a co-worker you might know — who you’re aware is struggling with cancer. Do you mourn alongside with them the loss of life? Or the loss of possibilities within their life? Well, this is the same loss that occurs with infertility. Otherwise there wouldn’t be a need for the one in eight couples who experience infertility to go through such emotions. Nor would there be any need for me to keep such a blog. About *my* loss.

Then I wouldn’t have to write about how challenging it is for a couple who is actively “trying” to conceive a child to manage working full time and still have to go through bi-weekly (sometimes weekly or even daily) doctor appointments for lab draws or ultrasounds. Talk about loss of time spent driving to and from appointments … Not to mention loss of personal and vacation time at work.

Or how about the loss of control over their body? How frustrating would it be for you to find out that after months of your spouse or either of your parents dealing with multiple rounds of chemotherapy for cancer only to see little or no progress … While a good friend, who has the same type of cancer, is found to be in remission after only one round?

Now imagine that similar scenario in context with infertility. Imagine spending months – nay, years – and thousands of dollars for treatment with sometimes little to no success in achieving a viable pregnancy. Imagine being disappointed month after month after month.

That loss of ability to “control” how your body responds to treatment while another person’s body does … It is enough to drive you crazy with obsession. Enough to drive you to do whatever thing you must do in order to achieve the best possible results to achieve your dream. After all, those other “seven out of eight” couples have no “issues” in creating the miracle that is life. And it’s my personal opinion that some people take that *miracle* for granted.

That loss is also enough to force an otherwise laid back person into a Type A personality … By trying to remember what things that *must* be done versus what things *must* be avoided in order to provide the “optimum” healthy conditions for a successful “pregnancy.” Alongside these medical treatments, there is also all the “old wives’ tales” and otherwise unsolicited advice from those that an infertile could possibily perceive as having the ability to “control” their bodies.

And then there’s the biggest loss of all … (to be continued, tomorrow)