The Rest of the List …

As promised, here’s the rest of my reasons for disappearing from Blogland.

Hope everyone had a wonderful New Year’s Eve!!


6. Rediscovered my love for big stage productions.

For our anniversary (back at the end of August), Hubby got us tickets to see “Wicked” at the Detroit Opera House. Let’s preface this by saying that I’ve been asking to see this musical for years. It’s only until Hubby got the opportunity to listen to the audiobook version of the book that the musical was based on that he finally expressed interest in seeing the musical. Earlier this month, as I sat about 15 rows back and to the right of the stage, I realized how much the Drama Club-geek in me missed the excitement and wonders of musicals. Not to mention that the story itself and the songs were fan-f*cking-tastic! It makes me want to see the Chicago production before it closes at the end of January. Hmmm … perhaps I will get that opportunity! 🙂

7. Pondered the relationship between and Jaco.b Bl.ack.

A while back, I started reading the “Twi.light” series by Steph.anie Except I never finished the whole series before the movie based on the first book came out. After seeing the translation into film, I had the incredible urge to finish the rest of the 4-book series … like, right away. And thus, I spent a good two weeks (in whatever spare time I had) completely immersed in’s world. The sad thing? I was so disappointed on how the series ended. Seriously. Book Four should have ended when “died.” And … Ren.esmee … WTF?! Her first name would have been better as Ca.rlie.

8. Attempted to decipher the “kids only” rule.

Ambushed by gifts ...
Ambushed by gifts ...

For Christmas this year, Hubby and I were told that the big “extended” family decided this year to buy presents for kids only. Which … hey, with all that’s going on with me … was perfectly fine. I wasn’t about to turn down the opportunity to save some extra money. Except … well, there was no clear definition of who was considered a “kid.” Seriously … did it mean anyone who was under 18? Did this include the adult “kids” of your own set of children? And really … what about those couples that don’t have kids? Is it fair to expect them to go home “empty-handed” just because they don’t have kids? And is it fair to expect the “childless couple” to buy presents for everyone else’s kids and have no one buy anything for them?

Okay, I realize I’m being petty here. But here again is yet another insensitive remark / action that “fertile” people may not realize is stressful for the infertile.

A solution? Perhaps include the childless couple on the list of people to buy for? It doesn’t have to be a fancy shmancy gift. A restaurant or movie (or hey … even a Target) gift card for even a small amount is always a lovely t0 give to us infertiles. Any small gesture to acknowledge that we’re simply not forgotten during such a child-centric holiday is very much appreciated.

Stepping off my soapbox now …

9. Rocked out until my joints hurt.

Rockin' Out to "Eye of The Tiger"
Rockin' Out to "Eye of The Tiger"

For Christmas, our good friend J gave me RockBand 2 for our Wii. Totally one of the best Christmas gifts I received this year! (Well except for the gifts that Hubby got me … which, he’s always been a great gift-giver in general.) Expecially since he’s the same friend that got Hubby & I the original RockBand for the two of us as birthday gifts this past July.

If you’ve never played this game and you love music … you must find a way to play it. I could care less which platform you use (PS3, Xbox, etc), you just have to try it for yourself. It’s so. D*mn. Addicting. Especially in any social situation you’re in. Like the surprise birthday party we attended this past Saturday for my Hubby’s aunt. All the kids were playing. And then later in the evening … there was a lot of “Drunk RockBand” going on with the “adults.” Waaay too much fun. So much fun, in fact, that the next morning wrists were hurting (from “playing” the guitar) and shoulders were aching (from banging on the drums). Ack … I must finally be feeling my age!

10. Facebooked until my face hurt.

I do admit it, I love Facebook. It’s yet another addicting internet activity that I could spend hours and hours on. Not that I’ve ever used it to cyber-stalk anyone … rather I use it to keep in touch with family members and friends in ways we never could before in the past. We’ve been able to share quick news bits with each other, post photos from events that we’ve been to … tease each other like we do IRL. I’ve found that Facebook had kept me close to those family and friends that are far away from where we live … and even those that aren’t!

Needless to say, during the Holidays I’ve been quite active with all my Facebook friends and family; sharing pictures, exchanging virtual “gifts”, and wishing them all the warmth and happiness in the world.


So there you have it. The ten reasons for disappearing for a while. I still can’t believe it’s now 2009. And how, as of next week, I will be at my new job.

Of all things, Hubby & I picked today, the first of the year, to start the move to our new life. (Anyone else find that symbolic?!) Unfortunately, this means I will be having sketchy internet connection over the next week or so. Which means I will, once again, disappear for a little while.

But once I’m back, I’m sure I’ll have lots to say. Until then … I’m once again wishing you all a wonderful 2009!

Fleas On My Dog

No … there are no fleas on my puppy-girl, Kozzy. Actually, this is the way that my co-worker sings the Christmas carol, “Feliz Navidad.”

“Ah … now I get it,” I can hear y’all chuckling. But what does this Christmas carol have to do about Thanksgiving … other than the fact that today (or tomorrow, how ever you want to look at it) is the “official start” of the Holiday season?

Well, funny you should ask. Last year at this time Hubby & I, along with my parents, were on a Caribbean Cruise. One of the days was spent in Cozumel, Mexico where, as we stepped off the “boat” all I could hear throughout the plaza was that Christmas carol. And just the thought of hearing a Mexican Christmas Carol while in Mexico … it just had me in hysterics.


It’s about 8:00 am on Thanksgiving morning. Hubby’s getting some much needed sleep in the bedroom while I’m on the couch typing away on my lappie. I’m still getting these horrible coughing fits, but for the most part I’m feeling much better. Although, I have this feeling I’ll be losing my voice by the end of the day today. Damn sore throat.

Plans for today include lunch with my parents after the traditional Filipino Thanksgiving Mass. My parents asked us if we were going to attend; in which I promptly said that this morning was the only opportunity for us to unwind before another busy weekend. Which, in a sense, is the plain truth. But I also just honestly don’t feel like having to deal with the inevitable social conversations that involve Filipino acquaintances commenting on our child-less status. Seriously, there’s only so much of this an infertile can take … even if it’s been more than ten years! But seriously, it should be a nice sit-down lunch with my parents at the local Italian restaurant.

What?! Did you just say restaurant?!

Mmhmm. Yes. Emily, with or without the apron strings, is not exactly that great of a cook. And quite frankly, while I can do a turkey dinner, it just doesn’t seem to make much sense to do so when it’s only going to be the four of us. Oh, I suppose I could invite Hubby’s family and the other members of my side of the family … but then that would mean 20+ people in our home which, at most is only comfortable to fit five around the table. So yes … turkey lunch at a restaurant with my parents.

But don’t you worry, we’ll still have the traditional turkey fixin’s. At Hubby’s parents house. Later tonite. Where YAY! I get to see my nephew and niece. And BOO! Might not get to hold niece because of being a bad sicko.

So overall, busy day. But one that will be spent with family. After all … isn’t that what holidays are about?

Oh, and technically this is also supposed to be the day to express gratitude … so, without further ado …

Things to be extra-thankful of this year:

  1. An incredible husband who takes care of me when I’m sick (and we’re talking both physically and emotionally), and who has been my rock for the past 12 years.
  2. Loving and supportive parents who understand the reason for upcoming changes
  3. IRL friends and co-workers (not to mention bosses) that have also been supportive and excited for my upcoming change in employment
  4. Extra-wonderful pets … who have no idea what changes are store for all of us, but who are always willing to snuggle with me and give me some furbaby love
  5. An incredible online group of friends who have weathered with me during some of THE MOST difficult times in my life over the past year

    And last but certainly not least,

  6. God for giving me back a little bit of faith in this world. That somehow when one door closes … another door opens. Even though it might not be the door that you were hoping would open.

Happy Thanksgiving, Blogland!!

Weight Weight … Don't Tell Me, Pt 2

(Update 11.17.2008: I’ve decided to split up this post into two parts in order to allow for parts of this previously PWP post to be finally visible.

To view the first part of this long post, click here.)


Which brings me to the next item of things I’m keeping under wraps for now. This one concerns my career; which has been absolutely blooming as of late. An interesting turn of events, given what happened in my last work-related post.

For starters, the Continuous Improvement Workgroup (CIW) has officially closed out its first phase. With the exception of having to participate in a couple of presentations (one of which is to the major Senior Executives and Board members … yikes!), I am all but done with my commitment to this group. Except … well, of course there’s always the next phase. Otherwise it wouldn’t be a “Continuous” process.

One of the "gifts" we got for participating in the CIW group ... oh, the irony!
One of the "gifts" we got after completing the first phase of the CIW ... Oh, the irony! (click to enlarge)

Those of us that participated this time around were invited back to continue the work that we had started. After all the h*ll I went through these past 10 months, I took a couple weeks to decide if I wanted to throw myself into the fire again. And I did decide not to participate this time around. The reason I gave in my email to the CIW project manager and our Vice President for our department was that participating in this group had consumed much much much more time than any of us expected. And this was blindingly obvious by the decrease in our “numbers” in comparison to the other staff. But then I get the email from my VP specifically asking me to reconsider, as I apparently brought a lot of insight and ideas to the CIW. And if that wasn’t a request for me to participate, then the fact that our VP specifically sought me out in a department meeting to ask me again in person … well, that certainly did. So really … how can one say no to something like that when your big big boss singles you out? Uh-huh …

So yay! Big pat on the back for a job well done. And ugh! How much more “good work” can I take on?

But that’s not what I’ve been all hush-hush about. Shortly after finishing up on the first phase of the CIW project, our whole department found out that our Director (who reports directly to the VP I mentioned above) accepted a VP position for one of our sister companies in another state. One particular state that Hubby & I had seriously considered moving to at one point in our lives. And because my Director and I had talked casually about this particular city in the past, I jokingly said to him that if a position should ever come available, he should think of me. His response? “Well if you find yourself moving into the area, you should definitely contact me. I know we have positions and if not, I’ll find something for you.”

Wow. That was all I needed to hear. And after Hubby & I discussed it at length, we decided that now would be the perfect time to take advantage of this type of opportunity. So as I type, hopefully the email I sent with my resume attached finds its way to his desk. At work. As the new VP for our sister company. And hopefully I’ll hear some good news soon.

The reason I haven’t said anything to other friends and families is because it’s too early in the game to spill the beans. Plus I’d hate to get my hopes up in the event that it all falls through. And if anyone else IRL (and in close proximity of me) knew that this is what we’re planning on as our “next big step,” I guess I’d feel as if I was jinxing myself. Make any sense?

So just keep Hubby & I in your thoughts and prayers so that I might get this opportunity, because I find myself really really wanting to make this change.

Part of the desire, of course, is to put all the hurt and pain of infertility behind me. Don’t get me wrong. I love my city. I have great pride in saying that I’m from Detroit. It’s just that the longer I’m here, the more the sad moments start to overshadow the happier moments. The more I feel left behind while others keep moving forward. The more I feel stuck, tied down … weighed down.

And the longer I stay here, the harder it gets for me to try to change the course of my life. Because I do want to move forward past my infertility. I do want infertility to stop being who I am. I want to take that step away from “Emily the Infertile” and become just “Emily.” Smart & witty Emily. Silly & fun Emily. Happy Emily.

So do I think moving away will solve my problems? No. I’m not as naive to think that running away will make things better. I know it will take a large part of strength to start a life in another city. I know I’ll have to work hard at making new friends (or perhaps reconnecting with old ones). I know that I won’t have the security of having family close by. I know that it will be just Hubby & me.

But I’m okay with that. And I’m pretty sure Hubby is okay with that as well. Because quite frankly, this “trying to start a family” thingy has taken a toll on the two of us. (Oh, who am I kidding? I’m sure I’m the one that stressed over the whole IF thing and therefore stressed Hubby out because I was majorly freaking out.) And perhaps rather than focusing on what’s happening with every one else around us and what’s not happening with us … we can start focusing on just us again.

Because even though it’s just been “Us” for the past 12 years (read: no kids), infertility has definitely changed the two of us as a married couple. We’re no longer that young, fresh-faced optimistic married couple that feels impenetrable. We’re no longer that couple that thinks that the harder you work towards something, the more we’re ensured to get what we want. We’re … or rather I’m … more jaded and disappointed; hesitant to trust that everything will work out in the end. That what goes around might take a little longer to come back around. Yet despite those challenges we’ve faced, there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t I thank God that we are still madly in love with each other.

So if this opportunity to move out of state happens, I will definitely be comfortable with life just revolving around the two of us. And I think that placing some distance between those things (and people) that remind us on a daily basis of our hurt and disappointment will be a good thing.

Which brings me to the final reason I’ve kept this post PWP for now. And trust me … this is definitely the one thing I want to keep under wraps for now. So again … if I know you IRL and you run into people whom we both know, please please please do not spill the beans. So here goes …

Hubby & I both realize that with everything that has happened over the past year (both good and bad), we have reached a crossroad in our lives. We’ve come to the point where we need to know what to do next. And so … with the possibility of moving out of state and with the most recent emotional pain I’ve been through … Hubby & I have made the decision to take a stab at living child-free.

Yep. You read that right. Child-free.

And believe me, once I said it out loud (during a major cry session with Hubby, btw) it was as if a HUGE weight was lifted off my shoulders. And suddenly I felt like I could breathe again. And I finally felt as if I could confidently take a step away from “Emily the Infertile” and a step towards the other Emily, as in “Hubby & Emily” and their “infinite playlist.” (Lame reference to “Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist.” Which, if you’re a fan of making great mixed tapes or … ahem, I’m dating myself … mixed CD’s, you must see this movie!) And another step towards the “other” Emily; the smart and sassy one who does the best that she can possibly do to be successful in her career (whatever that may be).

This, of course, is not to say that we’ve closed off any notion towards starting our family at a later date. I mean, who knows? Maybe having the opportunity to choose to live child-free will give us the ability to not always think about the whole “we have no kids” issue, which could (hypothetically) lead to the whole “It finally happened when I *cringe* ‘just relaxed’!” Or it could afford us the strength and the finances we’d need to go through the adoption process.

Either way, this removes the focus of our relationship from “must have kids to care for” to “must care for ourselves and each other.” And hey … since we’ve really enjoyed traveling this year, perhaps this choice to live child-free will allow us to continue to travel with each other and explore different countries and “re-explore” ourselves together.

So those are the big things that have been weighing on my mind and in my heart lately.

I know, I know … monstrously BIG decisions. But I hope that they’re ones that will eventually lead my down the road to being happy and content with who I am as a person and who Hubby & I are together as a happily married couple.

And where do I go now with this blog? Yes, I’ll still be keeping it. And yes, it will most likely still be about longing for something. But perhaps maybe these “Apron Strings” are no longer symbolic for just the longing to have kids … it’ll be symbolic to the want … need … desire to find happiness and balance in both my personal and professional life. Both of which I’m sorely lacking any sense of of balance lately …

Wish Hubby & I luck and please send any prayers up to the “Big Guy” up there to help guide us in the right direction.

And as always … thanks for being the best listeners / readers in the whole wide world.