Category: Blog

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Crouching Dragon Lady

Well … For those of you that have read my last PWP post and commented or emailed me personally, I very much appreciate all that you’ve said. There were definitely points that were brought forward that I haven’t thought about in my angry haze, and for that I am grateful. All of your words definitely made me stop long enough to breathe in some fresh air rather than breathe out flames of anger.

I’m still trying to decide what I want to do with this blog. Don’t know if I want to continue to post on this blog, or if I want to move elsewhere. I’ve already got another blog site all set if I decide to move, but for now I think I will continue to just PWP those posts that I assume would “hurt” other people.

Which (okay … one last b*tchy statement and I swear I’m done for now … ) just still gets my goat (goad?) Because seriously, while I understand sometimes words do hurt … by having to “censor” myself … well, it just makes me feel like I shouldn’t be “allowed” to express how I truly feel. Like I have to “butter up” my words (or rather kiss a$$) just to avoid hurting someone else’s feelings. But G*d forbid that I’m not allowed to have my own feelings hurt!

Woops. I believe I just got side-tracked from what I was originally going to blog about. Now what was I saying?! (Ugh. Mind is in a haze …) Oh yeah. In one of the comments I received, there was a statement that I feel I need to clarify. Actually, there were two:

There was a comment indicating that I’ve made this particular relationship into a competition. That I “think” that my loss is “bigger” than this other person’s loss. Or that this person’s life is much “better” than my life. I’m “saying” this loud and clear … it has NOT BEEN ME that has focused on this part of our relationship. To me, I have never thought that one person has it worse or better than the other. To me A LOSS IS A LOSS … it doesn’t matter how small or large the loss is, it still hurts like h*ll. As I’ve (obviously not-so clearly) mentioned in this post, I never wanted this relationship to be a competition. All I wanted was the support.

Which leads me to the second point of clarification …

I want to clear up the statement I made about not considering Hubby & myself a “family unit.” It wasn’t that I didn’t think Hubby & I were a family. No, I was more irritated at the way the envelope addressed. Because that action was just a very passive-aggressive way to include me … and yet to not mention me by name. It was a subtle dig (whether consciously or unconsciously) to let me know that I was still on a certain person’s sh*tlist.

Yes, I know Hubby & I are a family … we’re a family of two; which is how it has always been. Especially as we have been going through this infertility journey alone. And that’s in sharp contrast to what our Filipino culture is supposed to be. As a “family” (which ultimately includes all immediate family members, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc), we’re supposed to be supporting each other, fighting for each other, holding each other up when another person in the family needs it most. And while I feel as if I’ve done my fair share (and sometimes above and beyond) of support, I just don’t think it’s ever been reciprocated, leastwise from this particular person. At least in the way that I wish it would. The way that I’ve done for others.

Truth be told, I want someone to speak up for me when I’m tired of giving explanations. I want someone to fight for me when someone says something inappropriate. Or at least diffuse a potentially uncomfortable situation. And I want someone to hold me up when I’m weak from having to do all those things mentioned above.

Tell me the truth people … if YOU held someone up at one (actually two) of their most difficult times in their lives; if YOU fought battles for people when you felt they couldn’t fight any more; if YOU put aside your own uncomfortable feelings in order to support someone that you knew needed it … wouldn’t you hope that when YOU needed the support, these same actions would be returned?

I suppose I’ll get the responses like … “Well, you can only expect to get what a person is willing to give.” Or “some people aren’t built like that.” And I can honestly say that it’s taken me over twenty years … but I’ve finally accepted those answers. I might not like it and may still b*tch about it from time to time (in a PWP post, of course) … but I accept that I shouldn’t expect anything more from this particular relationship.

With that said … I want to share an article with you that a co-worker thought I could learn from. I enjoyed reading it and … who knows? Maybe it’s lessons will come in handy in the (very near) future!

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The Ball is Ceremoniously …

I am warning you now … If you haven’t gotten the gist from the title of this post, this is a lengthy one about the current “issues” I’ve been dealing with. If you haven’t enjoyed my apparent “angry tirades” that I’ve been posting for the past month … then it’s best you skip this one.

I’d PWP this post … but F*CK IT.

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Just kidding. If you want to read my latest post … the password remains the same (lowercase letter, by the way). If you’re interested in reading it and don’t have the password (or if you don’t remember it), feel free to comment below.

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October

October
And the trees are stripped bare
Of all they wear
What do I care?

October
And kingdoms rise
And kingdoms fall
But you go on

— U2


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Oh, the Irony …

Day 3 of “Voiceless Emily.” I made the attempt to go to work today and promptly fell back into bed after taking a shower wiped me out. So today, I make the trip to my doctor’s office to hopefully get some “magic pills” to make me feel better.

Oh, don’t get me wrong. I hate having to get antibiotics to get rid of a bug. I’d rather do it the old-fashioned way with lots of fluid and lots of rest. But this one … I don’t know, I just haven’t been able to “break” it just yet. And I’ve gotta be better by this weekend, as it’s my cousin’s wedding!

Thank you for those that responded yesterday to my post. Part of me knows that I’m just being stubborn and spiteful. And the other part of me knows that I’m doing this for self-preservation as well. Because if I continue to subject myself to “saving face” just to “keep the peace”, then I’d be back-pedaling in my progress towards happiness.

It’s just rather strange for me to be listening to that “other part of me,” because I feel as if that’s the selfish part of me. The one who only thinks about herself. The one who was told time and time again in her youth that it was bad to be thinking about my wants and my needs. My job … my duty, was always to think and care for others. (No wonder I became a nurse!) And I’m sure that lesson was reinforced over and over again by both the Filipino culture I was brought up in, as well as the twelve years of Catholic school.

And not that I mean to emphasize the point over and over again … but this is probably the biggest reason why it’s been so difficult for me to deal with my infertility. First … let’s not talk about my issues so as not to make you feel uncomfortable. Next, let’s take care of everyone else’s needs rather than take care of my own health. And finally, let’s just stifle all that unhappiness away and pretend that it doesn’t exist.

In any case, it took a long time for me to realize that I couldn’t continue to live this way. That my own body was telling me that I could no longer hold things in. Seriously, when your blood pressure continues to sky-rocket despite taking medications and you find yourself having a tremendously difficult time performing such simple tasks like taking a shower … and your mind is so muddled because you can’t even begin to determine what to “fix” first … well, then it’s time to seek some professional help.

So yes. I admit it (as it’s hard to do for most Asian-American’s), I broke down and called my former RE’s office and asked for a good therapist; one that had experience in dealing with infertility issues. And from that first meeting with her, I felt as if I struck gold. She has been that wonderful.

From our sessions, I’ve learned that one of the biggest things I needed to do was listen to my body. Which, of course, was hard for me to do … as throughout my IF journey, I’ve felt I’ve been betrayed by it month after month. But it’s those headaches that I frequently got that told me that my blood pressure was bordering at extreme highs. And it’s those days where my body refused to get out of bed that told me that I had stuffed waaay too many emotions inside that my body simply refused budge until I felt or expressed something.

And that’s why I began to blog. My outlet. My way to talk about the complex things and complex relationships I have going on in my life.

Duh, I can hear y’all saying … it’s not like I haven’t said this twenty zillion times before in previous posts.

But then part of me begins to wonder. Am I revealing too much? Am I expressing those feelings too intensely? Am I hurting others by writing exactly how I feel about the situations I’ve been in?

Is the proverbial pen mightier than the sword?

The reason I pose these questions is because I’ve been “asked” to refrain from blogging about certain people and certain situations I’m placed in, Which my gut instinct is to say, “F*ck you. This is MY blog. And you don’t have to read it, if you don’t like what I have to say.”

But then I began to think that maybe what I say in this blog may push things to the limits. That instead of making it easier for others to understand what I’m going through, I’m making them more uncomfortable. And hence making it more awkward for them to talk to me in real life (IRL). That I’m further isolating myself by “talking” about these things. (Of course, this pertains to IRL people and not you, my dear bloggy friends.)

Then there’s the Filipino-Catholic in me. The person who feels like she’s being self-centered and only thinking about herself in these situations … and not about how others might react to what I’ve said. That I’m hurting others by the words I write. And that I’m now sufficiently doomed to H*ll.

I have, in the past, PWP’d (password protected) a few blog entries, but have hated to do so, for reasons I’ve mentioned before in this post. I think it protects certain incidents and people involved in them; which could be good. And yet it also isolates a potential reader …. someone, who like me is looking for someone to relate to … from not feeling comfortable in asking me for a password. And while I might continue to do so in some instances, I don’t like it. It makes me feel, for lack of better words (ha!), “voiceless.”

And the irony of it all? I can’t even speak a word above a whisper right now.

What do you suppose my sick body is telling me? Is it just telling me to shut up and not “say” or blog about the emotions attached to those complex relationships and situations? Or is it telling me to ease up on myself; that I’m once again being too harsh on myself that my body, or rather my voice needs a rest?

All I know now, is that I’m seriously doubting myself … if what I do and say on my blog is helping me IRL or hurting me even more. And if I should permanently remain “voiceless.”

Help me, oh bloggy friends. What should I do?