Author: Emily

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NIAW 2009, Pt IV

(This is the fourth installment of a six-day series to celebrate NIAW. I’d say it’s because I “planned” it that way … but the truth is, the series started out as one extremely looong post. To start at the beginning, click here.)

273Finally there’s one last loss that those experiencing infertility may or may not have experienced in their unique journeys. It’s a loss particularly felt by those infertile couples/individuals who have decided to forgo medical treatment all together. These couples could simply be “in limbo,” deciding whether or not going through the grueling adoption process is their next step. Or they could have decided on the “child-free” path of life.

And while on this discussion, I must state that there is a difference between being a “childless” couple and “child-free” couple. Being a couple that is “child-free” indicates a methodical decision to live a life without children. It’s a choice that this couple made, for their own personal reasons, to remain a “family” of two. I’m sure that individually, each one has their reason, but the point is that there was choice in the matter.

However, living a “childless” life is simply a path in life that was given to them. It’s a path that was reluctantly forced upon them. “Childless” living may not have been the life these couples imagined when planning their future together, but it’s unfortunately the twist of fate that has taken them on their childless journey.

An ideal “childless” course … well, it would end up with the ability for any infertile to miraculously become pregnant … but that’s not what I’m getting at. (Besides, at this point in my life, it very well may be an “immaculate conception.”) In an ideal “childless” course, I would hope that a person would be able to progress from perceiving their life as “childless” to being able to live”child-free.” Because then this person (or a couple) would consciously and deliberately be making that choice to live “child-free.”

But wow … how I’ve digressed. So going back to the losses experienced with “childless” living … this last loss is one that not many like to discuss. But because this is my blog and it’s a loss that I’ve experienced, I will forge through this and write about it. And what I say isn’t meant to be received by the readers as a method to elicit sympathy or empathy. It isn’t meant to sound bitter or angry. It’s simply a fact.

And the fact is this: Couples experiencing infertility, particularly women, feel a loss of connection amongst other couples or women that have achieved pregnancy and ultimately a family. While I admit, part of that loss can be attributed to that bit of envy an infertile is *entitled* to feel. However, the loss of connection has more to do with the inability to be part of a lifestyle that is “natural” in every day society.

Let me explain this a little more.

(Tomorrow, of course … )


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NIAW 2009, Pt III

(This is Part Three of a six-day series to celebrate NIAW. I’d say it’s because I “planned” it that way … but the truth is, the series started out as one extremely looong post. To start at the beginning, click here.)

273Again, not every couple who are unable to create and sustain a life will remain childless. There are those couples in this category that will end up opening their hearts to adoption. And to me, those infertile couples are simply incredible.

They’re brave enough to pursue the long and tedious adoption process. A process that includes all the legal matters and invasion into the couples’ private lives as to whether their home and their lifestyle is “safe” enough to care for a child. A concept that, quite frankly, can be unnerving as this questions a couple (who has been struggling to have a family) whether or not they are capable of being a parent.

Those pursuing adoption are also strong enough to face every emotion — all the anxiety — involved in the adoption process head on. Placement of a child (whether domestic or international) and the absolute fear of the unknown would be enough to throw any “normal” person into anxiety overdrive:

Will there be issues with the adoption country?

Will the birth parent(s) change his/her mind?

Will the child love me?

Will I be able to love the child as if he/she is my own?

Am I a good enough in the government’s eyes to be considered capable of raising a child?

Will I be deemed unfit as a parent?

Will the child be taken away from me?

Imagine facing those thoughts every day. In my opinion, going through adoption adds a whole new layer of complexity to infertility. And I am in absolute awe in which these couples who choose this path show such grace and compassion …

I only wish I had even a portion of such brevity, strength, grace and compassion that these people do.

(Yep. There will be more of this … tomorrow.)

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NIAW 2009, Pt II

(This is the second part of a six-day series to celebrate NIAW. I’d say it’s because I “planned” it that way … but the truth is, the series started out as one extremely looong post. To start at the beginning, click here)

273And then there’s the biggest loss of all. Let me preface this by saying that not everyone experiencing infertility will end up in this category of loss. Because some will be successful with their pursuit in creating a child from within themselves. For some, it may be the creation of a biological child of their own. For others, it could be a successful pregnancy created from either donor egg, donor sperm, donor embryo, and even donor uterus. In any case, these are couples who have spent more than enough months in disappointment … and not to mention more than enough money on various medications and/or procedures.

In any case … for those others, like myself, that were not successful in their pursuit, they must deal with the ultimate loss — the inability to create a life out of one’s own being. For some couples, it could be the loss of a pregnancy; a miscarriage after having been able to create a life but unable to carry their baby to term. For every couple unable to achieve and/or maintain a pregnancy, it’s the loss of the ability to pass on a piece of yourself or your partner’s self onto another living and breathing person. To see your facial features on a child you created. To see your partner’s mannerisms in another living being. To know that you have continued on your lineage; contributed to the “Circle of Life.” Those things … and much much more are tremendously huge losses that will take more than the span of your own lifetime to mourn.

Some women feel the loss of the ability to experience a life grow inside of herself; to carry a child in her womb until that baby is ready to enter the world. For other women, it’s knowing that they will finally be able to nurture this child and bring him/her up in the manner that they’ve always dreamed about. And for others still (like myself), a combination of the two …

(More ramblings … tomorrow.)

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NIAW 2009

278So … you all might be wondering what NIAW stands for. Well let me take this little corner of cyberspace to enlighten those that don’t typically follow any other IF blogs.

NIAW stands for “National Infertility Awareness Week.” And yesterday marked the begining of this important week for anybody whose life has been affected with infertility.

And although this blog may be a mish mosh of stuff that chronicles my daily life and thoughts … it is still primarily a blog about infertility. And as I’ve said in previous posts, it’s a blog about loss.

Why loss, you might ask? Especially since infertility is a “medical” condition. Like diabetes. Or heart disease. Or cancer. Well just like any of these conditions, infertility affects every aspect of a person’s life. Just like heart disease requires a lifestyle change, so does infertility. Infertility also requires constant blood tests and monitoring to keep things under “control” … just like diabetes does. And cancer? How can anyone who has been affected by cancer, either personally or through a loved one, not be affected by a diagnosis of cancer?

Going along with the cancer scenario … imagine, if you will, a person — perhaps a loved one, a dear friend, or even a co-worker you might know — who you’re aware is struggling with cancer. Do you mourn alongside with them the loss of life? Or the loss of possibilities within their life? Well, this is the same loss that occurs with infertility. Otherwise there wouldn’t be a need for the one in eight couples who experience infertility to go through such emotions. Nor would there be any need for me to keep such a blog. About *my* loss.

Then I wouldn’t have to write about how challenging it is for a couple who is actively “trying” to conceive a child to manage working full time and still have to go through bi-weekly (sometimes weekly or even daily) doctor appointments for lab draws or ultrasounds. Talk about loss of time spent driving to and from appointments … Not to mention loss of personal and vacation time at work.

Or how about the loss of control over their body? How frustrating would it be for you to find out that after months of your spouse or either of your parents dealing with multiple rounds of chemotherapy for cancer only to see little or no progress … While a good friend, who has the same type of cancer, is found to be in remission after only one round?

Now imagine that similar scenario in context with infertility. Imagine spending months – nay, years – and thousands of dollars for treatment with sometimes little to no success in achieving a viable pregnancy. Imagine being disappointed month after month after month.

That loss of ability to “control” how your body responds to treatment while another person’s body does … It is enough to drive you crazy with obsession. Enough to drive you to do whatever thing you must do in order to achieve the best possible results to achieve your dream. After all, those other “seven out of eight” couples have no “issues” in creating the miracle that is life. And it’s my personal opinion that some people take that *miracle* for granted.

That loss is also enough to force an otherwise laid back person into a Type A personality … By trying to remember what things that *must* be done versus what things *must* be avoided in order to provide the “optimum” healthy conditions for a successful “pregnancy.” Alongside these medical treatments, there is also all the “old wives’ tales” and otherwise unsolicited advice from those that an infertile could possibily perceive as having the ability to “control” their bodies.

And then there’s the biggest loss of all … (to be continued, tomorrow)

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McSnippets!

A few weeks ago, Hubby and I spent another one of our Detroit Saturday nights at our favorite Hole-In-The-Wall with our friend, J. It’s becoming a tradition to do this every Saturday we’re back in the Detroit area. First of all, it gives us a chance to get our fix of the best d*mn burgers in the area. And second, we get to have some great conversation with a great friend.

270That Saturday we were talking about childhood memories. The kind of memories that no one else but one or the other could remember. The ones that everyone else might think was crazy and make-believe. But the ones we knew in our minds were true.

For the life of me, I can’t remember what memory J had that neither Hubby or I could place in the back of our minds. And I wish I could … because then I’d want to see if anyone else out here in the blogosphere would know what he was talking about. As for me … I had two specific memories. Neither of which was “google”-able about three years ago.

The first one I had was almost a blur-like memory. A mini-TV show that played between shows on the local PBS-like station. They reminded me of the “Scho.olho.use Rocks” series in that it would always have some sort of lesson to learn. However, unlike “Scho.olho.use Rocks,” they’d always be aired during weekday afternoons. And instead of being cartoons, they would be budget-friendly claymation figures. But whenever I brought this up to any of my friends that grew up in the same area at around the same time period, no one could ever remember “Snippets.” In fact, I’ve been accused once or twice of making it up in my mind. Except now I’m here to prove that they did exist … because since the last time I googled the show, it appears that other people were remembering and wondering the same thing.

The second one is a little more personal. That same Saturday night, I told J and my Hubby about this memory I had about a Ron.ald Mc.Don.ald character that neither of them could remember. All I could remember was that it was a pirate-like character and that I saw a statue of him somewhere at an outdoor McDon.aldland playground out in front of the actual restaurant. (Remember when they used to have swingsets and merry-go-rounds located in a brick courtyard directly in front of the restaurant?) Both J and Hubby laughed at me, informing me that I surely must have mistaken this pirate with the Ham.burgl.ar. And furthermore stating that perhaps my love for Johnny Depp’s Captain Jack obviously extended back into my early childhood.

But see the thing is, I knew in the recess of my mind that I had a picture taken in front of this pirate. And so the next morning, before we left our home to return back to Chicago, I went rummaging through some of the old photo albums I managed to (a-hem) “borrow” from my parents. And lo and behold … I managed to find proof of said pirate. After showing Hubby, I told him that I now had to scan this picture in and share it with J … just to prove him wrong.

271

But then I promptly forgot about it … until the other day at work ,when rummaging through my bag, I stumbled on said picture. Of course, then I had to show it around the office and relay to them the conversation I had with Hubby and J. And now that I had my solid proof, I told my co-workers, I had to find out exactly who this character was.

Well, duh … since I’m officially now living in the state in which McDo.nald’s was founded, it didn’t take me that long to find out the name of said character. Captain Crook (which was later shortened to just “The Captain”) was similar to that of the Ham.burglar … except instead of stealing burgers he was known to steal Filet-o-fish sandwiches. And apparently it was Officer Big Mac who would try to catch him. The Captain and Big Mac apparently got the cut in the early 80’s when McDon.aldla.nd began to streamline its characters. Don’t ask me how the Fry Guys (aka the “Gobblins”) and Birdie made the cut … along with Gri.mace. I mean seriously … what exactly is Gri.mace supposed to be?! *

272So there you go … apparently I really don’t pull things out of thin air (or from my a$$, as others might say). But ain’t it a sad state of affairs when I can remember silly trivial things … and yet I struggle with remembering where I last put my cell phone?

Don’t answer that. Somehow, I can already hear all those responses to that rhetorical question. Hmmph …

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* Silly side note: Filipinos use a vegetable called ube (pronounced like e.Bay, but with an”ooh”) in many sweet desserts. The color of ube is remarkably like the color of Gri.mace. My Hubby had this way of teasing his younger cousins that any desserts made of ube was actually bits and pieces of Gri.mace. Yeah … he devastated his poor cousins who really thought they were eating Ron.ald Mc.Don.ald’s friend!