Author: Emily

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It’s Hard To Be Brave

Now and then, Piglet can feel quite anxious. It’s hard to be brave when you’re a very small animal but sometimes being small makes him very useful – and when one’s useful, one forgets to be frightened.

I had a wonderful Thanksgiving weekend. Hubby & I spent it with both sides of our family in Detroit; lunch with my side and dinner with his side.

We played a little Wii Rock Band with Hubby’s cousin on Thanksgiving. We went to see HP7 (for the second time) with my cousins on Friday. And Saturday started off with a much-needed, looong-overdue couple’s massage followed by Christmas shopping and another trip to the movie theater in the evening for a movie date.

But then we came back to Chicago on Sunday. And as we opened our side door, we noticed our poor Rain sleeping with her head next to her water bowl. That was the first bad sign. The second one was that she wasn’t able to stand for more than a few seconds without wobbling and eventually tumbling onto her side.

So as soon as we could, we took her to the local Pet ER which confirmed what we already knew. And that was that our 20 year-old cat was actively dying. And hence, the reason for my previous post.

Then came Monday morning. I was already settling into grieving for the loss of our beloved furbaby and was finding it difficult to get up out of bed. I had planned for a day of reading up and “studying” for my next presentation for work.

Eventually I managed to drag myself into the shower when I heard our phone ring. In the midst of shampooing my hair, Hubby told me that my Mom had tried calling my cell phone. And later, when I called her back, she had told me that my Dad had fallen sometime in the middle of the night.

After much coercion from all ends of the spectrum, we had finally convinced my Dad to go to the ER to get checked out. After all, he’s been on blood-thinners since his heart surgery close to three years ago.

Amongst other things that happened since yesterday morning, I now find myself back in Detroit (as of yesterday evening), spending my time in the ICU keeping my Dad company.

I’ll be honest and say that I’m quite petrified; especially since my Dad hasn’t “woken” up since being brought to the ER. The prognosis is not good and I’m trying to brace myself for what might be the worse scenario. And on top of that, I’m trying desperately to be both realistic and brave … things that people have told me I am when it comes down to the wire.

Except I may look and act that way on the outside; but internally … I’m more emotional than realistic. And I’m definitely more scared than I am brave.

Please … please keep my Dad in your thoughts and prayers today. And please … please help me find the strength to get me through these days.

After all, I’ve already gone through one loss this week … I don’t know how I would survive another.

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Related Posts:

No More Rain

Mended Hearts

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No More Rain

Twenty years of unconditional love & affection …

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Twenty years of knowing *exactly* the right moment to cheer me up …

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Twenty years of being my eldest fur-child … one of three that would be my only “kids”

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You were my first cat … and will always be my “Rain”-bow after the storm.

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Today, I lost a bit of my heart …

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And you will be missed every single day.

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Rest in Peace, Rain.
You’ve given us twenty incredible years.

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Related Posts:

Rain, Don’t Go Away (Part Un)

Please Stay Another Day (Part Deuce)

My Furbaby Can Vote!

Our (Mutt of a) Family

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Little Em, Big Em

Dearest Little Em,

Welcome to the world, Emilia Grace!

You certainly took us all by surprise by coming a few days earlier. And you certainly gave Daddy (and not to mention, your Auntie Em) a scare by causing Mommy’s blood pressure to unexpectedly rise … but we’re very happy that both you and Mommy are perfectly healthy.

I may be impartial, but I think you’re the most beautiful baby girl I’ve ever seen. Of course, it doesn’t help that you share the same nose as your Dad and Auntie … not to mention every single one of our first cousins! I cannot wait to meet you in person and hold you in my arms.

I’m not gonna lie, Little Em. The news of your impending arrival back in May threw me for a bit of a loop. After all, your Uncle Apron Strings and I had been trying for over a decade to have a Little One just like you. And although we had resolved our Infertility Journey by deciding to live child-free, I couldn’t help but feel a little off-sorts. This news, as exciting and wonderful as it was, elicited some painful feelings of failure.

And when I mean failure … I’m talking about myself. And only myself. After all, I wasn’t able to make your Mommy & Daddy an Auntie or Uncle. I wasn’t able to give your Gramma & Grampa a grandchild as beautiful as you. And I certainly wasn’t able to make your Uncle Apron Strings a Daddy, just like your Mommy was able to do for your Daddy.

Most of all, I wasn’t able to give you a cousin to play with; to grow up with and share memories with. You see … that’s what *I* had growing up. And today, some of my favorite memories involve those cousins from your Daddy’s side.

So you see, Darling … back in May, I thought that I’ve not only failed every person in my immediate family … but that I’d ultimately fail you as well.

But this past Saturday morning, as I looked over at my phone for news of your arrival … I saw the most beautiful thing in the world. I saw YOU.

And then I just knew that I couldn’t fail you. That I wouldn’t fail you. That I would do everything to make sure that a child that shared the same namesake as myself would be loved and cherished beyond a doubt.

I promise, Little Em … that I will give to you what I would have given my own child. (And I’m not just talking about our noses, either!) I will pass on to you my (as well as your Mom’s) love of reading. I will impart wisdom to you on how to get Gramma & Grampa to give you money. And I will definitely be sharing with you the various ways to push your Dad’s buttons.  And hopefully I can help influence your taste in music as well.

But just remember this, Little Em … I will love you irrevocably and unconditionally forever and ever.

— Your Auntie “Big Em”

Click to play this Smilebox slideshow

November 5, 2010
7 lbs 6 oz, 19 inches
Posted on

Effin’ Facebook

Dear Facebook Moms,

I apologize in advance for the snarkiness of this note. I’ll be honest with you and tell you that I’m currently going through one of overall emotional downslides right now.

Because really — truly — if you are my FB friend, I honestly like you.

What I mean is that I don’t randomly “friend” a person unless I have a legitimate connection to any of you. And I follow your status updates and photos and notes that you all post because I’m genuinely interested in your lives.

But today I have a beef. And I must emphasize that it’s the Infertile childless woman in me that is really upset.

You see, I love that I get to live vicariously through my FB Moms … love that I get to see pictures of the youngin’s in their various milestones in life. I absolutely love that I get to read about random stories that truly make me chuckle.

And when I start to see FB status that ask me to honor all those Mothers out there for the hard work they do every day, I don’t complain. Because I know from watching my own Mom how difficult it is. And I know from reading and hearing about your lives how much you all deserve recognition.

But people … Must I remind everyone that there’s a National Holiday out there that celebrates this? One that happens every single May? One that, year after year, reminds me that I’ll never be on the receiving end of such love and adoration?

Please don’t get me wrong … I’m not asking anyone not to be proud of who you are or what you have in life.

If anything, I’m just asking that you remember — in your quest to be recognized and acknowledged for all the little (and not so little) every day things you deal with … that there are women, like me (who have desperately wanted to become Moms), that will never be able to partake in this recognition.

And that, as a woman … there are few other things (outside of a stellar career or ground-breaking discoveries) that an every-day woman can be recognized for. That … despite the need to find an identity for yourself outside of being a Mom … that you do indeed have some sort of socially recognizable identity.

So please … On your quest to show pride for the wonderful Mother you’ve become … also remember those women who won’t be able share in your own experiences. And that there is an entire world out there of women (one in eight, to be precise) that are struggling to have even a sliver what you have … Women that struggle to find any kind of every-day identity.

Because I can’t speak for other Infertiles out there … but being a Mom had been an identity that I’ve always wanted to say I owned. One that, even after so many years of giving up my dream of Motherhood, I still mourn the loss of every day.

Thanks for … at the very least … reading.

And now I’ll head back to my regularly-scheduled, self-imposed seclusion. Better that I stay quiet and contained for now, lest I offend even more people … including myself.

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Related Post:

Emily looks for a Label-Maker

Emily loves Facebook. No she doesn’t. Yes she does.

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Light the World, Little Ones

It’s been a crazy-hectic few weeks since last posting. This new career, though challenging and rewarding, has been pushing me to exhaustion.

As with any major change in life, my level of stress and anxiety has increased accordingly. But what the Type-A Registered Nurse in me needs to remember is that it’s only natural to feel this way. I just need to remember to breathe and  channel my inner-Zen.

I’ve had some blog posts in draft-form for quite a while now; including my experiences as a Catholic Infertile dealing with the options of family building. Except I don’t feel that it’s polished enough to be published at the moment.


However, today I wanted to come out of my seclusion to remember my nephew, Liam. He was a fighter for the four months of his life. And even though it’s been more than three years now … there isn’t a day that goes by that he doesn’t somehow enter into my thoughts.

October 15th is recognized as National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Today is a day to remember those who have suffered a miscarriage, an ectopic pregnancy, a still birth, or the loss of an infant.

And today I remember the loss our family felt three years ago.

But today, I also remember all those friends I’ve met over the many years of blogging about my infertility journey. I remember their loss and heartaches as well.

In fact, I remember all of those who have suffered miscarriages and stillbirths on their quest to build their families.

And even though it’s not quite the same … I remember those who have gone through the heartache of a negative pregnancy test, despite knowing that a beautiful embryo (or more than one) was implanted into a warm inviting womb, with the hopes that their “embies” will continue to grow into reality.

I remember the two beautiful “would-be babies” that I welcomed into my womb, but — for some reason — weren’t meant to stick around.

I remember the one beautiful “would-be baby” that Hubby & I reluctantly let go.

So today, I ask that you take a moment to say a little prayer or send some positive karma (or whatever you’d like to provide) for those who have suffered any loss in family building.

And at 7 pm tonite — if you have a spare moment — light a candle to remember those little ones that may not have grown up to be big babies … but grew into our hearts and our souls.

Light the world, Little Ones … Light the world.

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Related Posts:

The one where Emily remembers

The one where Emily lets go

The Official National Pregnancy and
Infancy Loss Remembrance website