Author: Emily

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Faith and Longing

I didn’t know this, but October is National Pregnancy and Infancy Loss Month. My Mom, a devout Catholic, told me this information last week after reading her church bulletin. Apparently, the Cathedral of the Most Blessed Sacrament (which is also the Archdiocese of Detroit’s “home parish”) was holding it’s annual mass for those couples who have lost their baby or for those couples who were trying to achieve pregnancy. She had called me thinking that my sister-in-law (SIL), Janet, and I might be interested in attending the mass. I told her that I would talk to Janet and then call her back the next day if we decide to go.

Right away, I knew my decision was going to be based on whether my SIL wanted to go. It’s not that I don’t have any spiritual faith or that I don’t believe in a higher power. It’s more because the past 10 years of infertility have caused a “rift” between God and myself.

Let’s start with a little background. As I mentioned before, my mother is a strong believer in her Catholic faith. Growing up in our household, God was always present in our daily lives and activities. The weekends revolved around when we were going to mass. We would spend summers volunteering to do “Meals on Wheels” through our Church and any Catholic holiday helping out with preparations for our Church. Every night, we would read a chapter from the Bible. And because religion was very important to my parents, I attended Catholic school up through high school. I consider myself truly lucky that my parents invested their time and their money in bringing me up with such a strong faith background. And I truly admire my Mom for all that she continues to do on a daily basis for her faith.

And there’s me. After twelve years of Catholic school and the freedom of going away to college … well, of course I detoured and explored life without organized religion. It’s not that I stopped believing in my faith or stopped practicing the basic morals of what I was taught growing up. Rather, I stopped going to mass weekly and only went when it was absolutely necessary. I also stopped my habit of saying my nightly prayers. Let’s face it, college life (and even post-college life) was just more interesting and religion was put on the back burner.

However, even back then I always knew that I would return to my faith. The one thing that Hubby (who is also Catholic) and I always said was that when it came to raising our children, we wanted to provide them with the same faith and morals that we were taught growing up. And when that time came, we both knew we would whole-heartedly return to our faith.

So imagine what has gone through my mind these past ten years as pregnancy never came. Now most people would have turned closer to their faith. And at first I did. I returned to my nightly prayers and attempted to go to mass weekly. My prayers for a family initially started out as “Please God, I ask that you provide me with the family I’ve always wanted.” As the years went on, it became “God, I know I’m a good person but I don’t understand why you’re testing my faith. Why can’t I get pregnant?” Eventually, I just became very angry at God. Why would He do this to me? Why does He allow other people to become parents when they don’t deserve to be? If God has a reason for doing things (as everyone has a way of telling me over and over AND OVER again), what “reason” did He have for making me feel so sad and miserable and GUILTY for feeling the way I do?

So when the opportunity to go to this mass came along, I wasn’t jumping at the bit. However, I knew that this would be a good thing for my SIL, especially since her loss is so recent. After a bit of discussion, we decided to meet up for breakfast on Sunday and head down to the Cathedral, sans husbands (my hubby had to work and hers is not of the same faith).

Overall, I am truly glad that we went. My SIL had the opportunity to place Liam’s name in the Book of Innocence, in which prayers will be said for these babies’ souls. A prayer was said to all those parents who lost their infant and each family was given a rose and a rosary blessed by Cardinal Maida. A prayer was also said for all the couples wishing to become pregnant or adopt a child. We were individually prayed over by the bishop with an actual relic of St. Gerard and given his medallion to continue to pray to him so that St. Gerard would “intercede” to God on our behalf. It was pretty emotional being up there and being surrounded by the beauty and strength of the Cathedral. And I do admit, I certainly did feel God’s presence that day.

However, there was one thing that truly bugged me. This mass was sponsored by the archdiocese’s Natural Family Planning program. Which makes sense, given the nature of what this Mass was about. What had bothered me was the handout they provided on all their methods for Natural Family Planning. Not that I have anything against it, but obviously I wasn’t able to get pregnant using that method. At the very bottom of their handout, it made mention about the Catholic stance on infertility procedures. The basic gist of what they said was that certain infertility procedures are appropriate; however, those procedures that involve a third person in the creation of a child is morally unacceptable.

So wow. My first response on that? Holy Mary, Mother of God … I sinned. And I sinned REALLY badly. And apparently that’s the reason why my IVF cycle failed. So guilt was my first reaction. The second one was that of anger. Why the bloody hell is it considered immoral? I tried everything under the sun to try to procreate naturally and it didn’t happen. So are they telling me then that if pregnancy didn’t happen “naturally” then it’s God’s will that I remain childless? And yet … (here it comes again) there are people out there who don’t deserve to have children?

Okay, so logically I know my first reaction was irrational. And the second one is indeed justified. But it’s that type of thing that leaves me feeling disappointed in my faith.

Despite all that, I do admit that I’ve been trying to work on returning to my faith. As of recently, I have started meeting with a Stephen Minister through a local Catholic Church who just sits and talks with me about all this anger and guilt that I feel, especially about my infertility and my fears about the adoption process. Perhaps one day, whether I continue to pursue having a family or not, I will fully, without any reservations, return to my faith.

Hmm … I wonder if the Catholic Church knows that the week of November 4-10 is National Infertility Awareness Week. And I wonder if they’ll have any events that commemorates that week?

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Baby Picture

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A couple weeks I stumbled onto a picture that I had tucked away inside my dresser. At the time I tucked it away, it was the intent that I would someday look back at it and think, “Wow. I can’t believe how far I’ve come since then.” As it happened, that day I was busy looking for something else and I pulled the picture out and put it on top of my dresser (actually, on my mirror) and then went about my business.It wasn’t until yesterday when I was talking to a newly acquired friend, about my recent find that it hit me as to what the picture actually was. The picture I found happened to be the picture of my “would-be babies,” the embryos that were implanted into my womb during my one attempt at in vitro fertilization (IVF). As I was telling my friend about the snapshot, I felt myself begin to cry yet once again.

I relived that period of my life yesterday afternoon as I told her my story and my struggle. She’s heard bits and pieces about it before, but never to the extent as I did yesterday. She had previously heard about the treatment I went through, all leading up to the IVF cycle. And she certainly heard about all the wonderful medications I had to inject into myself each month and especially during the IVF cycle month. But what she never heard (nor anyone else for that matter) was how emotionally spent I was after each monthly disappointment… especially after the failed IVF cycle.

What I had told my friend is that when I looked at that picture, it reminded me of how different a person I was since that period of time. And even how much more different a person I was since starting my infertility journey ten years prior.

Ten years ago, I saw myself as a pretty optimistic person. A “glass is half-full” type of person. If pregnancy didn’t happen, then it just wasn’t meant to be just yet. Almost a year later, I began to become cautiously optimistic. And by the time I had my first hysteroscope, my mindset was of “let’s just get the task done.” At my lowest “pre-IVF” point, I was definitely very pessimistic about any chance of ever getting pregnant. By that time I had already had done enough ovulation charting, had more than enough Clomid cycles followed by even stronger injectable medication cycles, and had enough surgeries to last me a lifetime. It was at that time I became a”glass is half-empty” person.

So when Hubby and I finally decided to try the IVF route, I knew I had to change my attitude. And although I knew that IVF was never a guarantee that I’d be able to get pregnant, I had to think positive. In fact, I couldn’t just think positive, I had to put every effort into making sure that I was going to be successful at becoming pregnant. It was actually not as hard as I thought, especially with all the hormones I was pumping into me. I knew then that if I had even a shred of doubt, I would fall deep into the abyss of pessimism.

So imagine how far I fell once I found out my IVF cycle was unsuccessful. I certainly did plunge deep into that deep pit of despair. There was the initial shock and disappointment, followed closely by hysterics for the next couple weeks. Anything at that time set me off into waves of sadness and tears. A year after the failed IVF attempt, when we made the decision to let our one frozen blastocyte “go,” it was like reliving all the emotions of the year prior.* And in that moment, I knew I would never be able to go through another IVF attempt. It was just too emotionally and physically painful for me to ever have to go through again.

After a period of time, I just became “numb.” Crying seemed to be useless, and to tell you the truth, very humiliating. After all, in my culture, crying is only appropriate for a set amount of time. After that, crying is just considered a sign of weakness as we are taught to quickly “get over” our loss and “move on” right away. So after awhile, I learned to stifle my pain and pretend as if nothing was wrong. I pretended to be “over” the failed IVF attempt and let people believe that I was just content with my current situation. I also let others believe that eventually my Hubby & I would be working towards adoption. And truthfully, I tried to convince myself of that for the next three years.

However, as the past three years went by, I unconsciously knew that something was missing. By all standards, I looked like I was okay, but inside I felt miserable. I probably would have continued to go on feeling like this if it wasn’t for the news that we received a year ago next month. That news was of my sister-in-law’s pregnancy. And well, if you’ve read my previous posts (not to mention the most recent posts of Liam’s life), you’d know that I didn’t handle the news very well. As of recently, I’d like to think I managed the most recent events rather decently, but it’s only after I spent this last year talking (and subsequently blogging) about the gamut of emotions I’ve been through.

So where am I at now? Well, obviously I’ve been crying a lot lately (cultural behavior be damned!). In fact, I think I’ve cried more this past year than I did over the last ten years, since I started this crazy infertility journey. I know for a fact that all the events that have transpired over the past year is responsible for the river of tears (not to mention the trails of tissue paper) that follow behind me. And while it’s been a terribly difficult year, I do have to admit I feel I’ve grown a little more emotionally stronger from it. I would think that just by being able to post my “baby picture” shows that I am. (At least I hope so).

Wow. I can’t believe how far I’ve come since then.

* For a quick overview of our IVF history, we had 13 eggs retrieved, 8 of which were fertilized using ICSI, 3 of which “matured” enough, 2 of which were implanted in me. The lonely one that was left was frozen for the possibility of later doing a “frozen cycle.” What we didn’t expect was that we’d only have one blastocyte mature out of the 13 eggs that were originally retrieved. As there isn’t much success rate in doing a “frozen cycle,” let alone with only one blastocyte, Hubby & I elected not to proceed with that next step.

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Quiz Time

Okay, I admit it. I was feeling a little bored. I was surfing some blogs and stumbled on to the first quiz below on someone else’s blog. And well, then I kept finding more quizzes I wanted to take on the site. Scary thing is that the results, although not 100% accurate, do reflect how my life has been affected by certain circumstances, particularly infertility. Anyway, below is the extent of my boredom.

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Your Mind is 79% Cluttered

Your mind is quite cluttered. And like most clutter, it’s a bunch of crap you don’t need. Try writing down your worst problems and fears. And then put them out of your mind for a while.
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Why am I not suprised?!
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You Have Low Self Esteem 60% of the Time

While you sometimes feel good about yourself, you tend to struggle a little with self esteem issues. It’s not about changing who you are, it’s about accepting your faults. You just need to be less critical and demanding of yourself!
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Seriously?! Thought it would be more.
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The Part of You That No One Sees

You are balanced, peaceful, and sincere. You’re the type of person who goes along to get along. And you’re definitely afraid of rocking the boat. Underneath it all, you fear your world falling apart. You’ll put up with a situation that you don’t like in fear of changing it. Disruptive and forceful people intimidate you – and sometimes exploit you.
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Well, that’s actually pretty accurate.
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You Are Probably Not Pregnant

It seems like you’re in the clear, but you should really take a test to be sure.
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Duh…. I think I failed this test, or um … quiz.
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Well, maybe next time I’ll find something more productive to blog about. Like how I’m enjoying some of the new shows out there on TV this fall. Or how I find it completely adorable that Hubby likes to find movies he knows I’d love to watch over and over again and puts that on the TV instead of something I know he’d love to watch. Yep, gotta love Hubby.

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What Happens in Vegas ….

So Hubby & I are back from Las Vegas. We’re not any richer, yet we’re not any poorer either. Truth be told, with all the slots and video poker we played, we came out about $5 in the black. Maybe next trip, we’ll have enough nerve to actually play the tables … although I’m not sure I like the idea of placing a minimum bet (the lowest table being $5) just for one hand of play. Sheez … I have a hard enough time playing any of the slots or video poker games that cost more than $1. Am I abnormal for getting more gratification in spending my money on midway games at places such as Dave and Busters?

Las Vegas is definitely an interesting town. From the moment you touch down at McCarren Airport, it’s sensory overload. Walking the Las Vegas Strip is like walking Times Squares in NYC ten times over. There is just so much activity every second of the day, it’s hard to keep track of what’s going on. Each hotel has such a unique “theme” to it, that it’s almost like walking into a different country (Paris vs. Venetian vs. New York New York) or a different time period (Luxor vs. Excalibur vs. Treasure Island) or into extreme luxury (Bellagio vs. the new Wynn).

There’s also such extreme contrasts in Vegas. I mean, where else can you find a Hooter’s Casino in direct view of the Shrine of the Most Holy Redeemer Catholic Church? (Yes, since we stayed at my parents’ timeshare with them, we felt it important to go to mass with them.) Or where else can you see you can see people dressed to the nines heading to a show walking down the street next to one of those famous Vegas “escorts”?

And speaking of those “escorts,” Hubby & I came up with a new game while in Vegas. It’s inspired by the nights we walked the Strip doing some very important people watching. What we discovered was during the day, it was quite easy to pick out the “streetwalkers” by the clothing they wore. However as the night rolled it, it became more and more difficult to differentiate them from those that were dressed up to go out to the club. And thus, “Streetwalker vs. Night Clubber, The Game” was born. Trust me. If you ever go to Vegas, it will surely be a great way to pass the night away while waiting to meet up with the rest of your party who are still in the casino gambling (read: Dad).

So ultimately, what did we do in Vegas? Well, after arriving into town around 10:30 pm after quite a “spirited” flight (hey, it must have been Thursday night “Bar Night” on our plane), we went to find a place to eat at the Miracle Mile shops inside the new Planet Hollywood Hotel. And yes … yet again we spotted another Todai, but it’s too bad it was closed by that time. Friday was spent touring the south end of the Strip. We started off at Mandalay Bay to check out the Shark Reef exhibit (a must for any Discovery Shark Week fans), took the tram to Exaliber and walked through New York New York. Eventually we ended up at M&M World where I got suckered into buying a $10 M&M container full of different colored M&M’s. (What the heck, I only live once, right?)

Friday night, my parents treated us to a late anniversary gift by taking us to see “Love” at the Mirage, which is The Beatles-inspired Cirque du Soleil production. This show is a MUST for any Beatles fan out there. Definitely very cool. And according to my Mom and Aunt, this show was muuuch better than the Celine Dion performance they saw the night before at Caesar’s Palace. (Hmmm … personally, I’d chose The Beatles over Celine any day.) The show was probably the highlight of our entire trip.

Saturday, Hubby & I spent the day walking the north end of the Strip and doing some shopping along the way. But first, we had to start our day by stopping in “Paris” where we had to return (after a 6-year wait) to “La Creperie” to have the best crepes we’ve ever had. While heading past Caesar’s Palace, we stumbled onto a Buddhist shrine which seemed oddly out of place in the midst of all the glitz and glamour of the Strip. (OK, so the geek in me had to find out more about this. So if you’re interested, click here for a bit of history.) Then we headed to the Shops at the Forum, then to the Fashion Show Mall and eventually ended up at the Wynn Hotel. By that time, we were beat tired and ended up taking a taxi back to the condo.

We ended taking the bus to meet my parents at mass; which was a trip in itself. Just imagine us running across Las Vegas Blvd trying to make it to the 4 o’clock mass after we missed the stop we should have gotten off at. Yep. It was like playing Frogger. And once we got there (just as the mass was starting), trying to find my parents proved to be more difficult than we thought. I mean, come on! How many white-haired portly Filipinos married to a caramel-colored hair Filipina with freckles could there be in Vegas?! We never did find them until halfway through the mass.

Afterwards, all of us (including my Aunt and her significant other, Bob) took the bus down to Fremont Street to have dinner together for the last night of our trip and to check out the “original” strip. You know the one. Just imagine the U2 video for “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For”. Now imagine the street filled with Harley Davison bikers roaming up and down the strip. Yes, it just happened to be the annual Las Vegas BikeFest, so there were quite a few interesting characters roaming the strip. Hubby & I headed back towards the main strip shortly after dinner where we checked out the Venetian, got myself a margarita at Jimmy Buffet’s Margaritaville, and then gambled at Planet Hollywood until well past midnight.

The next morning, we got our sorry butts up and dragged ourselves to the airport. The frickin’ security line was unbelievably long. In my opinion, an airport that sees millions of people needs to find a more time-efficient way to get all the passengers through security screening. The one exciting thing that happened in line? Me spotting Barry Manilow being escorted AROUND security. Hmm … it obviously pays to be a celebrity.

Overall, it was a fun trip. And thanks to Mom & Dad, it was honestly a great way to unwind from such a long stressful few weeks. And, by the length of this blog … what happened in Vegas, obviously did NOT stay in Vegas. Oh well, c’est la vie!

Check out more pictures of our Vegas trip by clicking the album!

Las Vegas 2007
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Ka-ching!

Well … after a pretty hectic couple of weeks, not to mention a very emotionally exhausting weekend, Hubby & I are off to Vegas, baby!

Now, if I can only find a way to empty them slot machines instead of filling them up, we’d have it made! Regardless, this should be a fun trip. If anything, it’ll be nice to just get away and relax for a bit. (Is it a sad thing that I’m actually looking forward to the plane ride just so I can sit and do nothing?!)

I’m sure I’ll have lots to tell when I get back, so more to come at a later date. But then again … what happens in Vegas is supposed to stay in Vegas!