Author: Emily

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Dream A Little Dream

I had an incredible dream last night. One that I haven’t had in at least three years.

Last night I dreamt I took a pregnancy test and it came back positive. It was such a vivid dream in which I could literally see the second line appearing in front of my eyes. I was in such shock that I literally climbed back into bed, pregnancy test in hand, and woke Hubby up to confirm what I was seeing was NOT a mirage. And as he slowly woke up and opened his eyes, he confirmed that I wasn’t “seeing things” by the silly lopsided grin he had on his face. Both of us were in complete awe because Hubby & I hadn’t even been trying.


Nope. Never had one of these. Ever.

In the dream, we were so excited about the results that Hubby made it a point to take the day off from work to be with me as I went to doctor’s office. I didn’t even bother calling to make an appointment because apparently I already had one scheduled for that day. So we went into the office and as the nurse brought me into the room, she asked me where my Lupron prescription was. You see … in my dream, that appointment was supposed to be the day I was going to receive my first dose of Lupron. Instead, Hubby & I first looked at each other with these all-knowing grins, turned back to the nurse and said in unison, “We’re pregnant!”

And that, sadly, was the end of my dream.

I know why I had that dream. I know that all the recent events that have transpired over the past two months, let alone the past week has got my subconscious once again thinking about pregnancy … or rather, the lack of pregnancy. I know that the news of multiple co-workers’ who are about to become first-time grandmothers is affecting me. I know that the news of my SIL and our good friend in Portland’s pregnancies are also affecting me. And I damn know for sure that the whole endometriosis / Lupron thing is weighing heavily on my mind. Not to mention that these next few weeks are all leading up to the fourth year anniversary of our one attempt at IVF.

Those are the realities of my life. Those I understand and can make sense of. What I can’t grasp on to is that after three frickin’ years of not having any type of pregnancy dreams, why must I still continue to have them?

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Needing Some Cheese with my Whine …

Today I’m overwhelmed with baby and pregnancy news at work.

First thing I heard when I came in this morning is that one of my co-worker’s daughter had gone into labor last night. And just now, I overheard the conversation that another coworker had with her in which she was calling to tell us that her first grandbaby finally made her entrance into the world. Apparently they could hear the “new baby cries” in the background. To hear the excitement in this coworker’s voice describing her first grandchild was incredible enough as this particular gal is not readily excitable.

And then, as I’m doing clinical reviews for my assigned hospital I get one review that talks about a twenty two year old who finds herself unexpectedly pregnant and completely overwhelmed by how much “morning sickness” she’s been encountering. So overwhelmed where it’s to the point that she was considering ending her pregnancy. And well … I’m sure it’s because she’s young(er) and completely unaware of what her actions (meaning the comments that she made) might portray her as insensitive or callous … but still. It just made me very very angry.

And I’m sure these feelings are a direct result of my most recent doctor’s appointment. But still … can’t I catch a break?

Okay, I’ll quit whining and get back to work.

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Magic 8 Ball Predictions

The first draft of this post was actually quite upbeat and positive … how despite where I wanted to be in life by now, Mother Nature obviously decided to take a different path. And I was going to be okay with it. But then I had my follow-up appointment with my GYN today and well …

When I was little, I used to ask my mom for a sister. I desperately wanted to have someone to share a room with, not to mention sharing secrets and clothes and shoes (must have been all those after-school reruns of the Brady Bunch). What I knew little of back then was that my mom wasn’t able to have any more children after I was born. In fact, she was supposedly very lucky to even have any children at all, let alone my brother and me. She had such severe endometriosis that, back in the day, they didn’t think she would have much success with getting pregnant. Shortly after I was born, she had her hysterectomy to stop her endometriosis from getting any worse.

I was told the whole story when I was in high school, after having gone through yet another painful period. My mom asked me back then whether or not my cramps were bad enough that I’d want to go on birth control. Which, when I think of it now, was pretty progressive of her to do that … especially given the fact that we were Filipino (remember previous posts about how “private” we are?) and my mom was (and still is) deeply rooted in Catholicism (ahem … remember natural family planning?). Even back then, I had no inclination to be on the pill.

So my senior year in high school, a bunch of us were coming up with predictions for ourselves; kind of a “Magic 8 Ball” prediction in where we saw ourselves in ten years. Would we be successful in our careers? Would we be happily married? Would we have lots of kids? Some had said they’d be happily married with the 2.5 kids and the dog. Others said that they’d have a wildly successful career, yet single or divorced.

As for me … I can clearly remember saying that I would be happily married (“It is certain”) with a relatively successful job, but not one that I was completely passionate about (“Signs point to Yes”). And … having problems getting pregnant (“Outlook not so good”).

I’m sure it’s probably because by then I knew about my mom’s past medical history. But the other part of my prediction was that I would have at least one of my children before I was thirty. Thirty was the magic year because my mom and I were just about that many years apart and I absolutely HATED that there was not only the generational gap between us, but a cultural gap as well. I didn’t want to be so out of touch with my own children and therefore thought that by having them before thirty, I would be closer to their generation.

Well here I am, about to turn thirty-six this year and STILL childless.

And to top it off, I just had my follow-up appointment with my GYN today. The one to go over the results of my latest US, et al in regards to the increase in pain and bloating with each cycle. And well … as suspected, without doing any “looky-see” surgery, it appears that my endometriosis is back. So now it’s time to go back on Lupron. Back to being void from any emotion, except for the extreme highs or lows. Back to having no chance AT ALL at being pregnant. Basically, no ability to have any glimmer of hope. At least for the next three months. And then maybe another three months after that.

On an upswing … at least I won’t have any “oh geez … can you just kill me now because this must be what hell in a uterus feels like” pain for now.

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The Year of the Rat

I know I’m a bit behind, but … Happy Chinese New Year!!

Actually, I’m not exactly late as the celebration for the Chinese New Year traditionally lasts 15 days, but I missed posting on the first day which was this past Thursday.

So I’m sure that most people have been to some sort of Chinese restaurant where their placemats list the twelve animals in the Chinese Zodiac. Briefly (because believe me, it’s more complicated that this), each of the twelve animals is dedicated a “Lunar Year” which then reoccurs every twelve years. It’s believed that a person will have characteristics similar to the the animal that represents the year they were born in.

This year is the “Year of the Rat” and it’s particularly special to me as this is my “Lunar Year.” What makes it even more interesting is that the Rat is the first animal in the twelve-animal sequence. And according to traditional Chinese belief, the Year of the Rat represents the beginning of a new era.

Sketch that my dear Hubby
drew for me

So … I’m dearly wishing that this Lunar Year ushers in a new outlook and energy to Hubby & me as we enter into the realm of adoption. And for everyone else out there (whether you’re fellow IF’ers or not), I wish you the best in whichever new endeavor you head towards this Lunar Year.

Gung Hay Fat Choy!

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30-second Infertility

I was driving home from work today when I heard this commercial on the local radio station.

It was about a husband and wife struggling to “create their family.” How they went to RinkyDink Hospital and tried so many unsuccessful rounds of IUI’s with no success. And then when they were “just about to give up hope,” they heard about the success that BigCity Hospital had with infertility. A year and one round of IVF later, they were ecstatically happy with their infant twins.

The commercial made infertility seem so easy.

It’s just too bad that the years of heartache and heartbreak that come with infertility can’t be packaged neatly into 30-second radio spot.