Well … For those of you that have read my last PWP post and commented or emailed me personally, I very much appreciate all that you’ve said. There were definitely points that were brought forward that I haven’t thought about in my angry haze, and for that I am grateful. All of your words definitely made me stop long enough to breathe in some fresh air rather than breathe out flames of anger.
I’m still trying to decide what I want to do with this blog. Don’t know if I want to continue to post on this blog, or if I want to move elsewhere. I’ve already got another blog site all set if I decide to move, but for now I think I will continue to just PWP those posts that I assume would “hurt” other people.
Which (okay … one last b*tchy statement and I swear I’m done for now … ) just still gets my goat (goad?) Because seriously, while I understand sometimes words do hurt … by having to “censor” myself … well, it just makes me feel like I shouldn’t be “allowed” to express how I truly feel. Like I have to “butter up” my words (or rather kiss a$$) just to avoid hurting someone else’s feelings. But G*d forbid that I’m not allowed to have my own feelings hurt!
Woops. I believe I just got side-tracked from what I was originally going to blog about. Now what was I saying?! (Ugh. Mind is in a haze …) Oh yeah. In one of the comments I received, there was a statement that I feel I need to clarify. Actually, there were two:
There was a comment indicating that I’ve made this particular relationship into a competition. That I “think” that my loss is “bigger” than this other person’s loss. Or that this person’s life is much “better” than my life. I’m “saying” this loud and clear … it has NOT BEEN ME that has focused on this part of our relationship. To me, I have never thought that one person has it worse or better than the other. To me A LOSS IS A LOSS … it doesn’t matter how small or large the loss is, it still hurts like h*ll. As I’ve (obviously not-so clearly) mentioned in this post, I never wanted this relationship to be a competition. All I wanted was the support.
Which leads me to the second point of clarification …
I want to clear up the statement I made about not considering Hubby & myself a “family unit.” It wasn’t that I didn’t think Hubby & I were a family. No, I was more irritated at the way the envelope addressed. Because that action was just a very passive-aggressive way to include me … and yet to not mention me by name. It was a subtle dig (whether consciously or unconsciously) to let me know that I was still on a certain person’s sh*tlist.
Yes, I know Hubby & I are a family … we’re a family of two; which is how it has always been. Especially as we have been going through this infertility journey alone. And that’s in sharp contrast to what our Filipino culture is supposed to be. As a “family” (which ultimately includes all immediate family members, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc), we’re supposed to be supporting each other, fighting for each other, holding each other up when another person in the family needs it most. And while I feel as if I’ve done my fair share (and sometimes above and beyond) of support, I just don’t think it’s ever been reciprocated, leastwise from this particular person. At least in the way that I wish it would. The way that I’ve done for others.
Truth be told, I want someone to speak up for me when I’m tired of giving explanations. I want someone to fight for me when someone says something inappropriate. Or at least diffuse a potentially uncomfortable situation. And I want someone to hold me up when I’m weak from having to do all those things mentioned above.
Tell me the truth people … if YOU held someone up at one (actually two) of their most difficult times in their lives; if YOU fought battles for people when you felt they couldn’t fight any more; if YOU put aside your own uncomfortable feelings in order to support someone that you knew needed it … wouldn’t you hope that when YOU needed the support, these same actions would be returned?
I suppose I’ll get the responses like … “Well, you can only expect to get what a person is willing to give.” Or “some people aren’t built like that.” And I can honestly say that it’s taken me over twenty years … but I’ve finally accepted those answers. I might not like it and may still b*tch about it from time to time (in a PWP post, of course) … but I accept that I shouldn’t expect anything more from this particular relationship.
With that said … I want to share an article with you that a co-worker thought I could learn from. I enjoyed reading it and … who knows? Maybe it’s lessons will come in handy in the (very near) future!
You don’t have to enjoy people letting you down and not reciprocating and burdening you. And you have every right to be angry.
I like the Dragon Lady!
Just wanted to say hi and hope you’re having an okay kind of day…kind of behind in blogland….but I’ve been thinking of you none the less. ((hugs))
I liked the article, but the kicking in the throat thing she dismissed kind of appealed to me. Heh.
Sorry i have been MIA. And I don’t remember the PW, so I couldn’t read the last post, but I send my virtual booze to help put out whatever flames were raging…
Oh, Emily- I really hope you didn’t take my comment to mean that I thought that you were comparing losses. If so, I want to clarify that I only meant that it seems like your SIL was trying to create a competitive environment, and expecting you to participate- not that you were trying to out “lose” her. I’m really sorry if I offended you. I didn’t mean to if I did.
That said, you are RIGHT ON with feeling angry about having to censor yourself. That totally blows. This is your blog, your safe space, so you shouldn’t have to please anyone but yourself here. But ultimately, there is a “price” for our freedom of speech, even if there shouldn’t be, and I think you are right to recognize that your “price” is having a relative who isn’t as nice to you as she should be. And you are right to recognize that as much as it sucks, some people just won’t ever change, and it’s hard, but if they want to be crappy, you kind of have to let them be that way. We can always hope for change, but ultimately, it is all up to the other person, right?
Oh, and can I just say that I LOVE the fact that you knew that lyric? It shocks me how few people remember that song anymore! And I love it, and yes- once it “infects” your head, it’s hard to get it out!
It seems to me, if someone finds the blog to be a problem for them, they should stop reading the blog. . .
As for the envelope and the way it was addressed, the Miss Manners in me is required to point out that we address correspondence to Mr. And Mrs. Apron Strings. If we wish to invite their family, then we we would send the invite or correspondence to Mr. and Mrs. Aprong Strings, and family.
Spot on, Mrs. Spit. That’s kinda what I’ve been alluding to, but apparently not everyone agrees to that. But hey, free world & free speech and all … And I had to laugh about the Miss Manners part! Somehow I knew you’d get that point, too!
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Oh Kate … Believe me, you in no way offended me. In fact, yours was definitely the one I related to THE MOST. Wiping the slate clean has been what I’ve been trying to do for years and years and years. The thing is, while I can be happy (or sad) for this person … this particular person can never “just be happy (or sad)” for me. Does that make any sense? That’s really what I was getting at. So please, don’t think that your comment spurred this post!
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Io & Sara — you two have much more on your plate than having to worry about little old me. But thank you … all your love and support has been felt from D.born and Indy! I hope you’ve been feeling my love as well.
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And Shinejil — Thank you … perhaps “Dragon Lady” will be coming out more often.